AbbysMuscles

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Brandon Sanderson woke up in his bed. He emitted a miasma of anger, like a shart emits a miasma of shart-smell. Most people would have thought that Sanderson had no reason to be angry, let alone emit a miasma or anger. After all, he had a new book coming out. But that was the problem. A new book meant inevitable criticism of the Mormon by his greatest critics: the critics.

Brandon Sanderson hated the critics. Ever since he had become the best author they had made fun of him. They had mocked The Well of Ascension, The Hero of Ages, The Way of Kings, The Alloy of Law and even The Bands of Mourning.

The critics said his writing was juvenile, repetitive, artless, and drab. They said his prose was swamped in a sea of poor metaphors and contrived SAT vocab words masquerading as obscure. For some reason they found something amusing in sentences such as “it seemed to hold in the heat and the humidity, like a merchant hoarding fine rugs.” They even say my books are packed with banal and superfluous description, thought the 5ft 2in man. He particularly hated it when they claimed his wit was dull. How he longed to retort with a retort as skillful as Wit’s retorts, a witty character in witty novel The Stormlight Archive. He’d already drafted a few possibilities: “It takes one to know one”; “shut up, you toxic heap of vomit”; and, best of all, “you critics are a band of morning anal discharge”. However, his restraint prevented him from sharing these witty retorts. After all, his critics were primarily heterosexual cisgender white men, his favorite group of people except, of course, heterosexual cisgender white women, like his wife, whom he had married.

Brandon Sanderson got out of his fancy bed in his pricey house and walked back and forth repeatedly. He knew he shouldn’t care what a few envious critics thought. His new book Rhythm of War was coming out on Tuesday, and the 980-page hardback published by Tor with a recommended US retail price of $29.95 was sure to be a hit ($189.95 for the calfskin edition).

I’ll call my agent, thought the writer. He reached for the telephone using one of his two hands. “Hello, this is Brandon Sanderson,” spoke Brandon Sanderson. “I want to talk to literary agent Yesmahn Sycofant.”

“Mr Sycofant, it’s Brandon Sanderson,” said the voice at the other end of the line. Instantly the voice at the other end of the line was replaced by a different voice at the other end of the line. “Hello, it’s literary agent Yemahn Sycofant,” informed the new voice at the other end of the line.

“Hello agent Yesmahn, it’s Brando,” commented the writer. “I’m worried about new book Rhythm of War. I think critics are going to say it’s written poor. Hey, that rhymes! I'm witty, like Wit.” He did not notice the issues with his grammar, and even if he did, he wouldn't have cared.

The voice at the other end of the line gave a sigh, like a big oak toppling into a big river, or something else that didn’t sound like a sigh if you gave it a moment’s thought. “Who cares what the stupid critics say?” advised the literary agent. “They’re just snobs. You have millions of fans.”

That’s true, mused the author of tomes combining fantasy, magic, and wizardry. His books were read by everyone from famous actor Henry Cavill to famous actor Vin Diesel. Besides famous white male actors, it was said that a copy of Mistborn had even found its way into the hands of famous white female actress Rosamund Pike. He was grateful for his good fortune, and gave thanks every night in his prayers to Mormon-space-deity-God.

“Think of all the money you’ve made,” recommended the literary agent. That was true too. The thriving writer’s wealth had allowed him to indulge his passion for great art. Among his proudest purchases were a specially commissioned landscape by acclaimed painter Vincent van Gogh and a signed first folio by revered scriptwriter William Shakespeare.

Famous author Branderson smiled, the ends of his mouth curving upwards in a physical expression of pleasure. He felt much better. If your books brought innocent delight to millions of readers, what did it matter whether you knew the difference between objective and subjective pronouns? Especially given you considered pronouns something warranting eternal damnation.

“Thanks, Yesmahn,” he thanked. Then he put down the telephone and perambulated on foot to the treadmill desk behind which he frequently stood to write his famous books on a laptop in Courier point 12 double spaced font on Microsoft Word using Outline mode. He needed the exercise. He was developing his newest book Rhythm of War, the latest in his series about fictional character Kaladin, a paladin, a fictitious paladin to be precise. It wouldn’t be the last in the lucrative sequence, either. He had all the sequels mapped out. The Pace of Combat. The Tempo of Strife. The Beat of Bloodshed.

The 290lb adult male human being nodded his head to indicate satisfaction and returned to his bedroom by walking there. Still asleep in the luxurious four-poster bed of the expensive $10 million house was beautiful wife Ms Sanderson (the Mormon church had done away with endorsing polygamy). Branderson gazed admiringly at the pulchritudinous brunette’s blonde tresses, flowing from her head like a stream but made from hair instead of water and without any fish in. She was as majestic as the finest sculpture by Caravaggio or the most coveted portrait by Rodin. I like the attractive woman, thought the successful man.

Perhaps one day, inspired by beautiful wife Mrs Sanderson, he would move into romantic poetry, like market-leading Mormon rhymester Neil Aitken.That would be good, opined the talented person, and got back into the luxurious four-poster bed. He felt as happy as a man who has something to be happy about and is suitably happy about it.

Sauce

Turns out we don't have a c/books and I didn't want to shit up c/literature lol

Someone is truly in here going The hundreds of people gunned down daily is really a small percentage of the population so it's all just scaremongering. Several dozen people are upvoting it. I think I'm done with hexbear for a bit. Thanks for the fun posts, everyone

Being a child is criminalized. And the children are suffering. The point of childhood anymore doesn't seem to enjoy some innocence and learn life lessons and make mistakes in a loving or caring environment where you're shielded from most of the consequences. The purpose of childhood is to mold you into an ideal member of the proletariat. And to never ever misbehave, because the Eye in the Sky (whether that's your parents or the police state) is always watching and you'd better get used to it.

I've talked about the atrocious state of childrens' rights in this country, and had some really good discussion here about it. It's only getting worse. Don't walk or bike home from school, wait for your parent to come get you in an SUV. Don't go skateboarding, you hooligan. Don't hang out with friends or other kids in the neighborhood with only the admonition of being back before dark. Don't drink a beer, even as an adult- you'll go to jail. Don't host a party, you'll go to jail. Don't have awkward teenage sex. Don't go hang out downtown or explore the woods, you'll be raped and abducted and sold into slavery! Just stay home, on your phone where it's safe.

I fucking hate this. This shit honestly makes me despair more than climate change. I'm not sure why that is, obviously what we're doing to the climate could well spell the end of human civilization. I think I'm just really upset at this very clear, yet less dramatic impact of living in a fascist society. Being a child is criminalized.

Kids are up to no good! They're not turning into little clones of me! They're watching the communist tik tok and listening to weird music and doing gender and getting all fruity with each other!

No but really. It seems that a decent subset of American historical oppression is targeted at children as well as minority groups. That may be a controversial thing to say, and I'm not at all equating how awfully we treat kids to chattel slavery. Idk it's a half-formed and new thought but bear with me.

The history of this nation can in part be traced by the history of its attempts to subjugate and assimilate all populations. Everyone must adopt a specific and endorsed American way of thinking, set of morals, and inherent beliefs. From manifest destiny to policing "ethnic" hair into the modern age, all will be assimilated. And after generations upon generations of war, expansion, torture, eugenics, colonization, and forming a society of round holes were all square pegs who fall out are ground to dust, we're closing in on that dream of assimilating all. There will always be horrific racism against American-born people of Latin, Middle Eastern, East Asian, Any Asian, et. all descent, but many Americans do view the national population as a blob of varied ethnic backgrounds unified by core American belief systems.

But there are two intruders to this "harmonious" system. The first are immigrants. We all know how they have been and currently are treated; to go into much detail needs its own dedicated post. But they are from the outside world, not to be trusted, speak funny words and eat weird food, and are viewed with varying degrees of suspicion.

The second set of newcomers to this system are our own children. Younger generations have always mystified and confused the old, perhaps even since the dawn of settled civilization. They're different, and that makes them terrifying. Societally, youth and their culture is viewed as an existential threat. Few if any people consciously recognize this, so let's examine how children are treated and understood. I'm going to list out a sample of practices and attitudes that Americans use in relation to their own young. Pay close attention to the number of entries that depend on children having absolutely no say in the course of their own lives, or so little that it's basically an illusion.

• Residential schools. :amerikkka: had them too and in abundance. This was more of a cultural genocide than really anything to do with kids in the modern sense, but it perfectly exemplifies attitudes to both the foreign and the young. The right people need to be raising children. The wrong people (ethnic and sexual minorities, mostly) could instill the wrong values into kids after all.
• Child Brides (Someplace Under Neith). About half of the country still permits child marriage in some form or another. Children are coerced by parents and their pedophile "fiancées" into signing forms and abruptly being legally fucking married to a man two or three times their own age. The great state of Wyoming defeated a measure that would have alleviated this barbaric practice earlier this year. All over the country, any attempt to end the practice of child brides is met with massive opposition from the religious right. Religiously justified pedophilia isn't an issue for some faraway and "uncivilized" peoples, it's a massive problem right here at home.
• The overall criminalization of youth culture. Curfews and cops in schools and skate park closures and prosecuting children as adults (leading some literal children growing up, getting old, and dying behind bars). I'm not saying that closing down a skate park is as evil as a DA working to get a child sentenced to an entire life inside prison. But I am saying that all of these points paint a mosaic. Anywhere children act independently of direct adult supervision it's suspicious at best.
• Moral panics. Are your kids doing something weird? It's definitely Satan. During the '80s, there was perhaps no better way to keep your kids from having sex than playing Dungeons and Dragons, but it was actually Satan. Heavy metal? The men who sing it look scary and my kid is singing about fighting dragons or whatever the fuck, so that's bad. Hip-hop? Black teens are into it, and that's definitely double trouble. Graffiti is damaging public property and an indication that a kid might be part of a gang, so it's actually a felony to paint a fucking wall. Kids are using the internet, they're using phones, they're using myspace and facebook and tiktok and snapchat and smoking the Devil's Lettuce! It's all different and scary from what I'm used to and what I remember from my own childhood! Gotta ban tiktok, let's ban vapes, let's raise the smoking age to 21! We'll keep military enlistment at 17 or whatever, because what better way to mold your child into a weird and psychologically damaged machine that having them join the literal army?
• Speaking of, the absolutely fucking weird obsession American parents have over their kids' sex lives is revolting. Navigating our sex-crazed society is challenging, and even the most well adjusted child/parent relationship would present challenges in terms of how to best counsel and help the kid figure it all out. Most American parents are not well adjusted and loathe to think of their teenage children developing any sexuality at all. A large chunk of it is religious, of course. I think an under-appreciated factor is that if a kid is going through puberty and soaked through with hormones and wanting to have sex, it's unmistakable that they're almost an adult.
• The Troubled Teen Industry (The Last Podcast on the Left). Teens are moody, withdrawn, developing independence, and are really becoming their own people. Fortunately for the American parental control freak, there is an entire industry dedicated to pathologizing and "treating" the human maturation process.
• Children are basically parental property. It would always be difficult to codify what rights a parent has over a child even in the most enlightened society. America took the easy way out and decided that kids basically get nothing. With a parental signature, children can be married or become child soldiers as discussed above. Based on my anecdotal and personal, but deeply troubling, observations, it's basically impossible to get a court or judge to remove a child from any bad family situation. There is a deep, deep resistance to taking kids away from their parental/owner figures no matter how horribly they're being treated.

That's a sample. I'm sure many societies have many such issues with their kids. I don't know to what intensity some or all of this behavior is present elsewhere in the world. The overall vibe I felt in Germany and the Netherlands when I visited is that youth culture doesn't seem quite as smashed in and shoved into a play-dough machine as American at least.

I don't have a conclusion here really. This post was basically me talking to myself to try to articulate this feeling I've had for awhile. We spent decades screaming about Soviet brainwashing, even making movies about an allegorical alien race coming to steal our brains. We were really screaming into the mirror.