Sorry for posting something from last year but I just stumbled upon it and it's just too 
not to share, made me laugh multiple times.
Bonus reply:
"My side of history is american men and women disabled by an IED"
Wonder why they were where IEDs were an issue. Wonder if they got all the support they needed when they came back.
Weird thing to be proud of.
Americans are a weird breed. They openly acknowledge and lament about how their boys in green are blown up or have voices in their minds after coming back from war and getting no help. Then they sign up their children and their children’s children into the military and voluntarily continue the tradition of getting blown up without any help.
It’s also funny he ridicules anxiety. How much you wanna bet he complains about veterans getting PTSD? “Ummm just grow some balls tough guy. They’re just fireworks you snowflake!”
not only that but they scoff and spit whenever they see someone on the street asking for help of any kind
They're real proud of getting owned in Vietnam, Afghanistan and Iraq.
Lmao, bunch of slaveholders and racists and in the middle: MLK. 
My side is Thomas Edison
Of course it is
But it's also Jonas Salk, the guy who refused to patent the polio vaccine so no one would be priced out of life saving care. How capitalistic.
How the fuck are you both condemning draft dodging, and celebrating Monet, a draft-dodger? I know there are more egregious ones, but this one is just utterly baffling.
Imagine thinking draft dodging is bad lmfao
Slaveowners and freeing the slaves too. A brain like a spongecake.
I like how instead of just saying Mao himself, he mentions his book instead
A book he has 100% never read before lmao
mao would have loved cancel culture, very sad that he's not around to see it
long live cancel culture
No investigation, no right to speak
Just by this Mao preemptively cancelled 95% of rightwing
I think my favorite part is the attributing of Jefferson Davis to the Dems as some gotcha but also putting a bunch of slave owners on “his side.” And “Tories who fled to Canada”? What? Both of those comedians endorsed Biden to boot. This is pure ass, vibes-based, “everything that makes me feel fuzzy must be on my side” juvenile thinking.
hold on, i've just recieved a telegram... apparently some "tories" are in fact "conservative." not sure what that means. anyway.
Liberals are apparently both communists and liberals at the same time according to the hog flavour of liberal.
Western politics is just pure brainworms, no thoughts, just pure vibes and rage programmed into them by the mass media.
Just like how Americans have accidentally convinced themselves that the propaganda of the USSR being only Russian is true, the liberals have accidentally convinced themselves that the propaganda of them being leftist and socialists is true - they keep calling themselves socialist and citing Sweden or Canada or Denmark as examples of socialist states lol
For some reason my brain is focused on the brisket vs coffee line.
Like.....homie, what?
It makes more sense when you consider that one of the core issues this guy's audience has is never hearing back from your children when you invite them to barbecue.
You can't have her, conservatives.
conservatives will loudly proclaim how much they love meat to virtue signal their manliness
My side of history is William F. Buckley ... Martin Luther King
In the 1950s and early 1960s, Buckley opposed federal civil rights legislation and expressed support for continued racial segregation in the South
(...)
Buckley visited South Africa in the 1960s on several paid fact-finding missions in which he distributed publications that supported the South African government's policy of apartheid.
Conservatives have to force themselves to pretend to like MLK because he’s a universal American hero and they cannot directly say they opposed his beliefs. But other conservatives may literally only grew up learning about his “I have a dream speech,” and only care about the whole “judging by one’s character” line and nothing more. I think he was also a republican, so they have no choice but to say they like him as well as Lincoln because they want to monopolize the “anti racism” discussion
He is quite literally their one black friend that they always bring up unprompted to excuse their racist behavior
My side of history is Mel Brooks
Pretty sure Mel Brooks would disagree with that.
But Mel Brooks did a movie where they said the N-word a lot, so that basically means he's a conservative!
The song 'My Dick' but political
My dick
Attached to a tankie
Yo dick
Voting and cranky
dangerously close to reiterating a /pol/ meme from 2012 from the opposite direction
How can conservatives claim half of that stuff?
To most of the country. Conservatism just means goodism and leftism just means badism.
When conservatives say they "hate something" what they mean is that they hate when other people get it. They want to be the only ones allowed to do this stuff.
My resonse: Shut the fuck up cracker
They've discovered 2017 libposting, we're cooked
honestly it's a solid post concept, say every good thing is because of your beliefs and every bad thing is because of the other guy's beliefs. tried and true formula. if he had only only edited it to maybe a third of the length, dropping the weaker lines and improving the pacing, this could have been some effective slam poetry for idiots. unfortunately it's too apparent that he overcommitted to the first draft.
communism's achievements:
peace, medicine, vaccines, warm weather, the human emotion of joy, dogs, cats, ducks, pre-enshittified internet, gps
capitalism's achievements:
death, hunger, pestilence, disease, famine, sadness, anxiety, crumbs in your bed, whatever the fuck sleet is (seriously that's the worst weather), people who put no seasoning on their eggs
see? we win.
It'd be much better and more coherent without the ”soy latte, so much gender, safe spaces” cliches, but they just have to pander to the audience that thinks this is peak humor.
My side of history is Cato the Elder
Obligatory reminder that Cato was criticized for cruelty and callousness even by other slaveowners. I don't even want to read the rest, this dude seriously need limit of 120 characters, and also an axe and taiga.
eugh, liberals are so melodramatic
my side of history is that fish that swims into ur peehole when you wade in the shallows of the amazon river
Fuck dude, I've read shorter novels
I didn't know that Samuel Richardson had a Xitter Xccount.
Loving was a unanimous decision. Over half the judges on the court were appointed by FDR, Truman, or Kennedy.
I had to stop reading partway through when my brain started to hurt trying to parse it
The fuck is their problem with Woodrow Wilson of all people lmfao
He was a democrat and (depending on the specific brainworms of the guy in question, also an "internationalist", rather than a based nationalist). It's dumb as hell, but clearly this guy isn't very bright to begin with.
Can’t believe I wasted like 4min of my life reading this
It's the dunk tank.
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