I sent flowers to my best friend, anonymously (sopuli.xyz)

submitted 4 months ago* (last edited 4 months ago) by blujan@sopuli.xyz to c/casualconversation@lemmy.world

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She means the world to me, I just want her to be happy. I don't know if she'll realize they're from me.

Edit: okay, I let her know it was me

Edit to add context: I do like her more than as a friend, I know she doesn't and that's why I did it anonymously.

I don't want her to feel pressured, just cared for. We have been good friends for a long time, I think my feelings can become an obstacle for our friendship and I hate that.

I wish I didn't feel this way.

Update: we're not friends anymore

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[-] Blaze@reddthat.com 19 points 4 months ago

Nice of you!

[-] intensely_human@lemm.ee 17 points 4 months ago

I think it’s nice you told her it was you. I can’t speak for others but if I got anonymous flowers I’d be delighted at first but soon I’d be obsessing over who it was and feeling all sorts of weird stress about feeling the need to find out.

[-] Khrux@ttrpg.network 16 points 4 months ago

Hey apologies if I sound like I'm greatly underestimating your maturity but it's probably better to act on the side of caution.

Flowers are lovely I really hope she likes them! I also have a best friend who I really want to be happy and would probably appreciate nice flowers, although I'd personally steer away from valentine's as I wouldn't want them to be interpreted romantically.

As for that, I trust you know if you want them to be interpreted as a romantic gesture and you should absolutely let her know they're from you and if they are or aren't.

If you want it to be mysterious if they're from you, absolutely expect her to either figure it out or assume they're from someone else secretly and show them gratitude, it's a rare person who would receive something anonymously and not try to presume the sender.

It is a really thoughtful gesture to get flowers for someone you care about today in the want for them to be happy, but it's not fun for anyone if it's misinterpreted and someone ends up less happy for it.

[-] blujan@sopuli.xyz 7 points 4 months ago* (last edited 4 months ago)

Thank you for the heads up, I let her know already.

Edit to add context: I do like her more than as a friend, I know she doesn't and that's why I did it anonymously.

I don't want her to feel pressured, just cared for. We have been good friends for a long time, I think my feelings can become an obstacle for our friendship and I hate that.

I wish I didn't feel this way.

[-] Khrux@ttrpg.network 2 points 4 months ago

That's a complicated place to be in and I wish you the best. Until I found my current partner, I'd fallen into a similar friendship / romance pattern with a few friends and it does suck to have both unrequited love and a friendship built off it.

You said you just want her to be happy and I believe you. You can still be a good friend to her despite those feelings do don't ever feel like that friendship is built on your love, even if that's how it started.

It's totally up to you how you progress, you could choose that distance between the two of you helps let that desire simmer until you meet someone else and wonder how you felt so strongly now, or you can make your love known and see where it takes you, which is whaf I'd recommend. If you do this, then both of you are able to take action about it and nothing is left disingenuous. Perhaps it's mutual and that's fantastic, but if it isn't it puts her in the same position as you, which is deciding how to navigate your friendship going forward knowing about this aspect of it.

The other option, which I absolutely would not recommend is continuing to hide these feelings and try to be a good friend regardless. A good friend is trustworthy and can give sincere advice on things like love and dating which is really difficult if you are romantically interested in the person who you give advice to. Even if you mean well and don't try to keep the person you want to be with from being with other, any time a potential person comes up, you will inevitably compare their worst traits to your best. Not just is this insincere, even if you can't tell in the moment, watching them have feelings for someone else will really hurt.

I think I've had strong romantic feelings for a close friend or best friend 4 times in my life. Once was in school and she never knew so whatever. One time it became obvious and basically ruined the friendship and caused both of us a lot of hurt and without a best friend. The most recent two times were a little different, I was between two friendgroups and sort of ended up in this situation in both. One is now my partner of 4 years and the other is my best friend who I no longer feel that way for. I do think that the final case here would have ended badly if not for the fact that I found the other person in that period.

I've done a lot of rambling here but you really should let them know, it's probably the most difficult of the choices to do but also no happiness can come from the other options.

[-] klemptor@startrek.website 9 points 4 months ago

I think you had good intentions but the flowers probably made her feel uncomfortable. As a woman, receiving flowers from a guy who knows I don't reciprocate his feelings would not make me happy. It puts the woman in a bad spot. If she says thank-you to be polite, it can be misinterpreted as encouragement. And if she reminds him that she's not interested, she's a bitch. Either way it's unwanted pressure because a man giving flowers to a woman is always going to be interpreted as a romantic gesture, which she clearly doesn't want.

[-] blujan@sopuli.xyz 1 points 4 months ago

No, I get it, makes sense, didn't even want her to know but shouldn't have sent her anything at all

[-] partial_accumen@lemmy.world 8 points 4 months ago

Its a nice gesture, but wouldn't it mean so much more to her knowing they came from you?

[-] dingus@lemmy.world 4 points 4 months ago

Maybe. Idk if OP is like this too tho, but when I want to do something nice for someone, I don't like singling them out to make them feel uncomfortable. So I try to do nice things more covertly. I guess it sounds stupid, but that's the way my mind works. Idk.

[-] willya@lemmyf.uk 6 points 4 months ago

I’d let her know they’re from you.

[-] Worx@lemmynsfw.com 14 points 4 months ago

And definitely clarify whether or not you meant them romantically

[-] intensely_human@lemm.ee 7 points 4 months ago

“Those were me”

“Oh”

“And just to let you know, they weren’t meant as romantic”

“Oh”

“More just casual-sexual”

[-] shinigamiookamiryuu@lemm.ee 6 points 4 months ago

That's sweet. I myself got multiple bouquets of flowers from people (almost out of vases lol). Thank you to any anonymous flower donors who might be reading this.

[-] squid_slime@lemmy.world 6 points 4 months ago* (last edited 4 months ago)

Anything good come from this?

[-] Seventhlevin@lemmy.world 18 points 4 months ago

Narrator: No

[-] blujan@sopuli.xyz 5 points 4 months ago

OP: no

[-] squid_slime@lemmy.world 3 points 4 months ago

Unfortunate, but without these risks we don't progress.

[-] PanoptiDon@lemmy.world 1 points 4 months ago

Did she not like the flowers, or is the good a condition of something else?

[-] blujan@sopuli.xyz 2 points 4 months ago

It was fine, she didn't say she liked them but she said thank you

[-] squid_slime@lemmy.world 1 points 4 months ago* (last edited 4 months ago)

Was your goal of making her happy successful?

[-] blujan@sopuli.xyz 1 points 4 months ago

She was probably happier not knowing it was me, but then I told her because of good points other people made.

[-] squid_slime@lemmy.world 1 points 4 months ago

Maybe she's scared, if you two are good friends then complications like evolving feelings could be an uncomfortable thing for her, its lovely that you sent her flowers to make her happy. Did you tell her about your real feelings?