You got some shit to work through before you date anyone
this post was submitted on 13 Sep 2026
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The only option I can honestly think of is trying therapy? Or moving to a bigger city with more ace people
There's more going on here than you being asexual.
With all due respect, that sounds rather concerning. There are many reasons why someone might identify with asexuality, but there is something seriously concerning in what you wrote. I would advise against seeing anyone at this stage, asexual or not.
Do you know why you feel this sort of an extreme response?
I can only speculate that it's because of sexual trauma from childhood and my teenage years. My experiences with men as a very young adult didn't help either.
I'm very sorry you went through all of that. Have you ever spoke to a professional about these things? Mental health is a difficult journey, but if you truly do want a relationship, I'd wager you'd eventually find some success in therapy and more life satisfaction in this area.
One of the things I will say is that the specific type of therapy also can be important. I found huge success with a type called DBT, but I don't actually think this would help you out much here.
Look for trauma focused therapies. Ones I've heard of that night ne world looking into are called EMDR therapy and internal family systems therapy. One of these may be a decent starting off point. I'm sure there are others out there too to investigate, but these are some of the ones that I've come across.
It also makes me lose any sexual attraction.
Not sure I understand. Doesn't asexual mean no desire to have sex thus no sexual attraction?
Regardless, how do you show affection and how do you want to receive affection?
My thoughts are that you could search for a poly-amorous or open relationship. If you don't want an asexual man, but are attracted to men, your partner could be with you for everything but sex and have another partner for sex and other things.
Not sure I understand. Doesn't asexual mean no desire to have sex thus no sexual attraction?
To do a bit of an "um achstually ☝️🤓" Asexual means someone who experiences little to no sexual attraction. It has nothing do with whether someone has sex or wants to have sex
Many asexuals have sex for various reasons: intimacy, libido control, partner's pleasure, etc. Many also don't have sex either bc of a lack of desire or some are repulsed by the act or even the thoughts of sex
Its important to remember that allosexuals (non asexual people) can be sex repulsed for various reasons (one if which is trauma but that's not the only reason) and that's perfectly valid
So op, you don't necessarily need to find an asexual partner, and given the other info you've provided, like others have said, therapy may be a good place to start. Not bc there's something wrong with not wanting sex but bc thoughts of harming people (either genuine urges or intrusive thoughts) are not normal so talking to someone would be the most helpful. If you truly do want to have a sexual relationship with men then a medical professional should be able to help you get to the bottom of why you have these thoughts
Once you work on that part then do some thinking about what you actually want from a relationship. Do you actually want to have sex or do you feel like you're supposed to want that. Do you want to kiss people or have any physical intimacy? Once you've figure out what you want and who you want it with (men, women, enby, all of the above) then just be honest with people. It'll definitely be harder to find a partner if you don't want sex, but queer spaces will probably work better for you or if you're on dating apps make sure you're clear about not wanting sex. Only consider a poly or open relationship if that's something you want
you really left out a lot of info in this post... do you want to date men? do you want to have sexual relationships with them?
assuming the answer to both is "yes", i would recommend seeking out a psychiatrist who specializes in OCD, these intrusive thoughts sound like some of the symptoms of it. a psychiatrist should be able to guide you in treatment methodologies to make these intrusive thoughts less frequent and more manageable, hopefully to the point it doesn't interfere with your life anymore
As someone that was married to someone that decided that they were asexual after a decade of marriage, and who verbally, emotionally, and sometimes physically abused me because I'm NOT asexual, and I only got out of the relationship because I failed to complete a suicide, I would strongly advise you to not look for any kind of relationships - including friendships - until you have yourself under control. You are absolutely going to cause harm to anyone that you're in any kind of relationship with unless and until you can get your shit together.
I could never think of doing that to someone, tho I don't understand why shouldn't I look for friendships?
I don't think it's wrong to have friendships at all. Your question was about romantic relationships, though, and thus the above person replied in terms of that.
They specified that I shouldn't be looking for friendships as well, not just relationships