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A collection of some classic Lemmy memes for your enjoyment
Itβs not the employees fault. Itβs shitty big box stores that donβt pay a living wage. The only people that want to work there are old ass retired men who just want to drink coffee in the rental center.
But also, men:
Signed,
A woman who used to work for a big box hardware store
Not a hardware store but a few weeks ago I was at Decathlon and one worker there was walking in circles carrying a single piece of clothing, pretending to be super busy. When I eventually asked them if they have a moment they still had the same piece in their hand. Maybe I am rude but for like 10-15 minutes I couldn't figure out what they were doing.
In Walmart the employees disappear like roaches when you turn on the light.
There's only three these days
There was the time I had to hunt down an employee to make a copy of a house key for me because they didn't have any of the automatic machines and the other home improvement super store in the area which did have an automatic key making kiosk unfortunately did not have a functional automatic key making kiosk.
For 45 minutes, I tried to steer the conversation away to almost any topic besides the one he insisted on having about his favorite American football team, The Patriots. This guy was stopping the key duplication process just to look me in the eyes and tell me about The Patriots. He messed up his first 2 attempts at copying the key I was having made because he was too busy talking to me about The Patriots. I probably told him 10 times in the course of this episode that I don't watch sports at all, don't know the teams, the players, the rules, the seasons, and I have no interest in it. That didn't dissuade his passion to discuss The Patriots with me at all.
Got home and of course the set of keys he made didn't work.
Last time I went to use one of those stupid key kiosks, it was out of fucking keys. Not to worry though, some enterprising genius thought of a way for them to still make a sale in this case, and the best part is you never have to refill the blank keys!
When it's out of keys, it instead asks you to just scan your key, enter your postal address, pay at the kiosk, and they'll mail you the key simple as that!
Which means that somewhere out there, there's a corporate database that knows exactly two things about you: what your house key looks like, and what your address is. We all know how careful corporations are with our personal data. I'd sooner make the key myself than give them that info.
You are an incredibly patient and polite person. I doubt Iβd make it past the first failed attempt. If he kept up with the patriots after that Iβd suggest we βdiscuss it some other time,β or even walk to a nearby section with βbrb.β Either way, Iβd never make it to 45 minutes and multiple failures with my blood pressure intact.
Yeah... 45 minutes to make a couple keys? I'd have been losing my shit.
Sure, but did you see that ludicrous display last night?
It's like a mental problem, I'm glad I never caught the sports bug
Well , what'd he say? Was this around Deflategate? Was he morally outraged?
Or was it when Brady went to Tampa Bay and we all cried ourselves to sleep like jilted lovers?
Or was it more recent? Maybe around last year's surprise Superbowl run?
I need to know if he was right or not!
When someone asks me for project advice, itβs usually someone SO woefully ignorant that I think itβs irresponsible to sell them tools. The other 1% of the time, itβs someone very experienced asking me an incredibly detailed question that I couldnβt possibly answer.
At a computer store I'm the 1% guy. At a hardware store I'm the 99% guy.
Oh hey we're complements. I needed to call a friend to help set up my email, but I can at least get you started on pretty much any hardware store question
The hardware store near me uses it as a selling point. "We keep low prices due to self service".
The staff only knows how to scan the barcode and use the credit card terminal. Everything else in on the webpage.
Had a hardware guy explain how to find the right light bulb for my stove once. I'd have figured it out but he saved me some time. That was a cool experience. The one time I actually had to ask a guy where to find something, instead of telling me where it was he asked what I was doing and then proceeded to lecture me about how I should use some other things instead. It was like nah, dude I know what I'm doing, that shit is way more expensive and doesn't fit this project. He then left me to find what I actually wanted on my own.
They might know where something is, that's about it.
However, there was an autistic kid working at my local Lowe's for a while. If I had trouble finding something, I'd ask him, and he'd quietly walk me right to it. Every time, no matter what it was. One time, I was in looking for a locking door knob set, he pointed me to one that had been mis-priced and was 80% off. He said it was a pretty good deal, and that he'd sold a couple of them that day. I took it to the check out and it threw an error. I explained the situation and waited. After a while, a "manager" showed up and said they couldn't sell it for that price, but they'd give me 50% off.
I can't remember how old I am sometimes...
I mean, I also have some autism flavor with enhanced memory, and I don't either remember my age most of the time. It's just not terribly relevant information and it keeps changing every year as well. And for the few situations when I do need it, I can work it out with maths, it's fine.
I can't remember just about anything lol, but that does make me feel better, thank you
Hardware store guy: "I'm here if you need any advice!"
Me: "How do I begin to heal from past traumas when my only coping mechanism is fantasization and when the only emotional reaction I have to someone breaking contact with me is validation of my belief that I'm a burden and they are better off without me in their life?"
Put some wd-40 on it
You begin by finding or making things you love and like about yourself and use that as a scaffolding upon which you can develop self love, before reopening the traumas to heal properly from them. I'd recommend building a deck, maybe with a hot tub and fire pit, it'll get you moving, be a big project you can really be proud of, and leave you with a nice place to introspect. After that we can swing by the gardening section so you can feel the responsibility of keeping something alive and the joy of having plants in your living space.
Have you tried fantasizing the core of your trauma?
My stereotypical hardware store guy response would probably be, "Whiskey".
David Cross is a great stand-up comedian.
Apparently he also works in a hardware store, and has this very "meaningful" look on his face if you ask a question
David Cross when you call him βthat guy from the Chipmunk movie.β
Isn't he the world's foremost Anal-Rapist
you're out of the band.
"How do I open the package on my battery operated package opener?"
And why are scissors always sold in a cage of plastic you need a scissor to open?
My favorite is needing a screwdriver to open my screwdriver.
The giant pack of box cutters in blister wrap, ah yes I'm buying this because I already have a dozen box openers.
Carefully.
The look they give you when you are the twenty seventh customer and ask for your free ballpeen hammer
Damn them and their neutral expressions!
Yeah I'll never understand the tendency for people to make memes with an expression that holds no decipherable meaning and also has a caption "such and such be like..."
Unless you visit Ace Hardware.
Yeah Iβm a useless yuppie and I love how genuinely helpful the workers at Ace are.
True Value was my first job as a teen. I was beyond useless when it came to actually using the things sold in the store. I lived at home, had never done any actual projects myself beyond a pinewood derby car, and was not to be trusted beyond which aisle something is in.
He looks like he could use a Thunder Muscle.
I know more than them, the only advice I need is where to find the bathroom