An example of the most moral corporate executive. Involuntary biology experiments on unsuspecting subordinates seems like an upgrade from what they're doing normally through the psychological torment.
this post was submitted on 03 Jun 2026
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You can tell this is fake because caffeine withdrawal does NOT just cause "lethargy" people would be going home with headaches and worse.
100% this. By the afternoon the first day it would be anarchy in that office. Headaches, crabby aggression, screaming, crying.
Plus, what entire office actually drinks all the same coffee from the same source?
Plus, what entire office actually drinks all the same coffee from the same source?
If it's coffee provided by the company for free, yes they are.
we have a free espresso machine and two free large cafetieres and a coffee shop where you pay on the ground floor. A lot of my colleagues still go to Starbucks across the street.
Some, but certainly not all. People have their preferred coffee, out go out for the sake of going out. Free isn't an absolute determiner of human behavior.
We have free coffee in our office. It's terrible. Only half the people drink it. Others buy their own.
'Plus, what entire office actually drinks all the same coffee from the same source?'
Yah that what I find the most hard to believe, especially given the writer is sipping a monster energy drink.
Me who buys cheap packets at the nearest convenience store almost every morning.
"You have no control over me! I have my own Spice! My own desert! My Arrakis! My Dune!"
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LinkedIn lunatic material
Well it would have to be real and not a “lawyer meme” as well
From the moment I understood the weakness of my biology, it disgusted me. I craved the strength and certainty of the boot. I aspired to the purity of Corporate Governance. Your kind cling to your caffeine, as though it will not crash and fail you. One day the crude occupation you call a “job” will be laid off, and you will beg the Government to save you. But I am already saved, for profits are immortal… Even in death I serve the Shareholders.
I hate how much sense this makes. Well, I guess the original is meant to be satire in real life so whatever
Adeptus Mechanicus from Warhammer 40000
"From the moment I understood the weakness of my flesh, it disgusted me. I craved the strength and certainty of steel. I aspired to the purity of the blessed machine. Your kind cling to your flesh as if it will not decay and fail you. One day the crude biomass that you call a temple will wither, and you'll beg my kind to save you.But I am already saved. For the machine is immortal. Even in death I serve the Omnissiah."
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If this was remotely true the
Looked ashamed of his natural biology
Would 100% be the psycho misreading this:
I mean, this is the reverse of unknowingly drugging someone, not sure if this is illegal or not, but it feels illegal lol
Pretty sure it's illegal
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if it was true it's abuse~
Just like corporate governance.
I adore coffee. But how would they k ow the caffeine levels of the coffee? That's just not available.
Light roast tends to be more caffeinated than darker roasts.
Also, different bean times have different amounts of caffeine, but I haven't tested this personally.
Caffeine withdraw is no joke, that’s how you get a really bad migraine or worse.
Should I stop drinking caffeine? I have two in the morning(7am and 8 am) and then none for the rest of the day. Am I subjecting myself to daily caffeine withdrawal?
(I only take medical advice from random internet people btw, never LLMs or 3D doctors)
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Yup, can very much confirm.
I remember this "prank" scribed on some BBS or web page from the early 2000's, possibly even the 90's.
Everything old is new again!
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Had he pulled it through for two weeks, the withdrawal symptoms would've worn off.
Inducing withdrawal is the whole point!
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a coffee lover knows difference
I never met them in the office. The coffee drinkers in my office are just drowning their coffee in milk and sugar.
Generally work coffee seems like just get me through another day of this shit medicine.
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You think these people drink coffee for the flavor?
They're addicts.
I drink coffee every day.
Flavour is certainly extremely important.
I have never met anyone that likes coffee on the first try. I'm not saying they don't exist, I'm just saying you acquire a taste for it the same way you do any alcohol.
I mean with that last bit... I mostly enjoyed the taste of alcohol from a young age.
I'm not saying you don't exist, I'm just saying you're an outlier.
Decaf still has a fair amount of caffeine. This is clearly fake.
Decaf has very* little caffeine.
This is awful, but God so hilarious ( besides the weird psychopathy ) but as a senior prank or something it would go hard
Noob mistake!
A professional biological terrorist knows that you need to mix decaf beans and light roast beans (high in caffeine) into the bean reservoir at 50/50, resulting in randomly varying amounts of caffeine per brewing cycle/cup of coffee.
Never let their caffeine tolerance know the next move!
coffee does genuinely nothing to me except make me unable to sleep at night. dont get the people that are depending on it daily
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People would notice within 6 hours. Source: had this happen to me, got a raging headache despite coffee, left office to go get some
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The weird control kink aside, this does sound like a pretty funny office prank provided there's no really important work going on
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