Ask Lemmy

Turned alcoholic

Edit: not even kidding, shit fixed my awkwardness.

I developed a secondary extrovert personality and used it in social occasions. Used it enough that it comes naturally now

Unironically, season 1 of Dexter was a big help in jumpstarting it. Bringing baked goods is still my #1 strategy of getting on someone's good side, especially at work haha

I read some of the stoics and then did a shit tonne of therapy.

Find equally awkward friends.

I didn't. I'm still awkward. But that hasn't stopped me from living my life.

I stopped being an awkward teen by simply getting older and becoming an awkward adult.

I had someone tell it to me straight - that the reason I was getting side-eyes and laughter behind my back and why girls wanted nothing to do with me was because I was an awkward dweeb.

At first it kind of hurt my feelings, but it kind of woke me up to the reality of the situation and I began to not only notice how other people saw me, but I started examining myself and my own actions in a more critical light.

Most of the time it was me behaving inappropriately in the given situation. Everyone else walking to their next class? There's me Naruto running down the hall. You get the idea.

I had to learn to identify the behaviors that people were critical of or found off-putting, and learn the appropriate behavior to emulate. Eventually, after I learned the correct response to any particular social situation, it was less about knowledge and more about confidence. I was lucky to make some well-adjusted and confident friends in high school who helped me learn what it was all about. I didn't fret about talking to random people anymore, I could carry on a normal conversation for at least five minutes, I developed "normal" hobbies and interests (but crucially I kept my old ones as well, they were just not the first things I would lead with when talking to people), and in general I just mellowed out a little and developed the skill to be able to read a room and know how to deal with certain people.

tl;dr - someone talked to me and told me I was an awkward kid, but they also did their best to help me identify and fix the things that made me weird and unlikable.

You get older and stop caring all the time what people think and it starts to get easier.

Fake it till you make it. I realized everyone is very busy thinking of how they come across, so likely what I worry about isn't that important anyways.

I've gone up and down throughout my life, and these days I am quite an awkward individual in person.

However, what worked for me in my early 20s when I was probably at my most sociable was finding a hobby to interact with people in. Even something as simple as a monthly book group can work wonders on your social skills

Get a job where you deal with the public.

You'll get paid and you will learn quickly.

I read a book about autism

I was at a party with my parents one day celebrating our national day. I decided right there that I was going to talk to someone and I started up a conversation with an old gentleman which I was able to carry for a good long time. From then on, every time I was at a social event with people I didn't know, I talked to at least one person.

Then when I was able to drink, I'd stop in at a bar and strike up conversation with random people. Alcohol helped a lot.

I became an alcoholic. Stopped worrying so much because I was drunk all the time. Built a reputation for being relaxed and confident. Started going to parties and clubs. Built up real confidence. Stopped drinking so much.

Can’t say I would recommend my path, but I’m happy where I am.

By becoming an awkward adult

I had an autism diagnosis. I found a friend with even more autism through school. Thats kinda it

Sinking into depression

Covid gave a lot of time to think and lots of time to reflect...especially also finding out im Bi and then meeting the diverse ppl helped a lot

fake it till you make it, eventually my joking 'girlboss' attitude just turned into having some confidence. also I'm a girl now

I learned how not to be awkward with experience. I paid attention to what people thought was awkward, got a feel for it, generalized, and tried to avoid it. It's all practice.

I did a horrible and dangerous job for 2 years while undergoing the most intensive psychotherapy that exists. It improved my social skills, developed a skillset that's rare and highly valued in my chosen field, and completely recalibrated my sense of hardship.

I took estrogen and everything worked itself out from there~

Seriously though, there were a few factors. It was a combinations of building up my confidence (that's how estrogen helped, turns out when you stop hating your body and life, you get more confident) and actively constructing situations that allowed me to connect and build relationships with people. I started a book club as a not so subtle way to get people in a room and talking to me, I reached out to people to have them round for dinner, I put a lot of effort into being thoughtful and kind. Developing a variety of hobbies and interests means I have plenty to talk about and lots to fill my time when I'm not doing that - a creative hobby is especially great for that.

finding a group wont stick unless you have a level of cohesion, which takes you being comfortable. I agree with your thoughts that can be via a study/hobby/shared interest. But a big bonus of this is your happiness.

Figure what makes you happy, this is not things...this is something that makes you feel peacefull, fullfilled, excited to be part of.

Use your comfort routines, but not to a detriment. Hiding is a comfort but not helpful to the end goal. Test the boundaries of being around people, practice small breathing techniques. There are lots of others just like you doing the same thing despite appearances.

Likewise there is always an arsehole. Everywhere, there is one at school, one at work, one on your street. Learning to spot them and live with them is uncomfy but is a good skill lifelong.

As others have said learning not give a fuck about what people think of you is liberating, however its also a balance as friendships need cultivating, this is part of routine, they are not just a need them when you need them thing.

Good luck, trying is the first step. I hope happiness finds you, and wraps you up.

Work and finding a peer collective outside of what was available at my high school. I had some friends I went to school with, but I took a kitchen job at 16 and was exposed to a much larger group of ages, personalities, and beliefs. Same thing happened when I started going to punk shows regularly and found a coffee shop with a vibe I liked. Being exposed to so many different people helped me realize that what made me feel “awkward” wasn’t totally innate. I will always be a touch reserved, self-conscious, weird, but being in a jock-centric preppie high school, my ultra-conservative evangelical parents, church groups- those spaces amplified my insecurity and feelings of not belonging until it because a self-destructive feedback loop.

It’s not all rainbows and butterflies though. Alcohol came into the picture and while a good social lubricant it’s been a roller coaster. High school can keep you safe by limiting your friend options to people roughly your same age, in the real world you might end up becoming friends with people years older than you. There’s nothing wrong with making older “friends”, but as an inexperienced youth it can be hard to tell which older people recognize youth and a potential lack of boundaries so they step up and guide you positively, and which are people who struggle to recognize that, are reliving their own youth, or are straight up predators. It’s also really on you to figure out what you think is proper. When I was 16 the dude that had the party house was 30, and bought our beer for us. But he also would cut people off, make sure we didn’t over indulge, kicked out those who crossed the line, and kept people safe. I’m sure a lot of people would find a 30yo running a party house for high schoolers questionable, and rightfully so, but at the same time it was a far safer and more accepting environment for a lot of us kids than our own homes.

I also got involved in non-party related causes that were things I felt passionate about, particularly environmentalism. Similar to the party scene in that I ended up around people of all ages, all experiences, but were all present because whatever we were looking to do, we all found shared value in it.

Being around people and finding places where the bits of me I felt awkward about were accepted helped me. It also helped shape me, because when I trusted those people and they confronted me about bad behavior, instead of taking it like a rejection of me as a person I could learn to recognize what was being rejected was truly an inappropriate action.

Different settings, jobs, locations.

Also, and this will be very unpopular, but beer really helped. Not at work or during the day (thankfully), but alcohol unlocked me socially and improved my confidence as I met more and more people while I traveled. Not that I'm recommending teens do this, and it's probably illegal for them in the US anyway, but for me it was a fantastic social lubricant.

The secret, it applies to everything in life: No one cares about what you do, who you are, or what clothes you wear.

upskilling

Feel free, you're free, no one cares! Upskilling would be dancing lessons for an awkward guy/girl who doesn't know dancing is fun.

find a group

Find a group that does what you like or what you may like. Go one step further. If you feel that it could be interesting in a parallel universe, even if it's not your passion right now, try it.

hobby

What do you like? Take it to 11, write a blog, be an expert, you have all the time in your life!

I haven't completely figured it out. I was a very awkward and sheltered teenager twenty years ago for a lot of reasons I'd rather not go too much into. As a result there are very few people from my school, sixth-form and university days who I'm still in touch with.

It doesn't help being on the autism spectrum and living in a somewhat dysfunctional household with elderly parents (moving is out of the question because my job prospects got nuked by AI and mass layoffs, and Britain is a country filled with greedy parasitic landlords and no properties to actually buy.)

What helped me come out of my shell was working in a call centre (where I had to start interacting with colleagues and customers) and more recently, karaoke. I've started going to pub karaoke nights quite often over the past two years and made some pretty good friends from it. It's not something I'd recommend from everyone, because the pressure to drink is there.

I was as awkward as it gets. I thought I was ugly because I was told that all day every day by around me. Not my family z my family is awesome, but class mates, coworkers, etc. I was always heavily bullied.

I figured it out twice: first time when I started practicing full contact karate. Within two weeks everyone in school knew and the daily bullying just dead stopped in its tracks. I figured then that bullying has a lot to do with perception. If people perceive you as weak, some will pick on you. If you display strength, at least that part will stop.

However, the damage was done, I was socially awkward as hell, no idea how to talk to girls.

I figured it out for a second time when I married the most beautiful woman in existence.

I know, I know, I'm biased, but my wife is holy shit pretty and at our slightly advanced age, still has a bettery body than the average 18 year old. At first glance, anyone would guess she's 30. Add to that an amazing personality and a serious great and dark sense of humor, we laugh all day everyday about everything.

I would never ever in my life have thought I could get a woman like her and she actually WANTS to be around me. We are together pretty much 24/7 and even 6 years in we're still all day hand in hand, even when we're eating. We are nauseatingly close, and we love every second of our lives.

Still got a lot of other shit going on, a lot of stresses in our lives, but us together? We're golden.

I figured out that everything is perception. Be self confident because you trust yourself. Know yourself and stop being afraid of things that can't hurt you .

Have you tried boosting your confidence with some cocaine?