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Created as an evolution of White People Twitter and other tweet-capture subreddits.
RULES:
RELATED COMMUNITIES:
First thing monday morning.
Looks at river, "If I was in that river Id be so wet right now."
Boss starts looking worried.
"I bet if that river splashed me in the face we'd need two towels to clean it all up!"
Then I dont need to comment on it again until next monday.
"Boy, that river is moving pretty fast. I bet if I fell in you wouldn't be able to find my body for weeks..."
From: jrandom@company.tld
To: everyone@company.tld
Subject: River observations 2026-04-27
Everyone,
I would like to point out that the river appears to be wet. I would also like to observe that I saw at least three (3) separate ducks on the river so far.
We will revisit this topic next Monday as per company guidelines.
J. Random
Widget Testing Dept.
Clearly, this needs to be a meeting with 20 people. We need to get consensus on the number and color of ducks, and what to do about them. Plus there's the more elementary question of whether water can be wet.
It needs to be 2 hours. The only slot that everyone has free is during lunch, so I booked that.
next week...
I just want to go down and slowly insert two of my fingers into that river and feel how wet it it! Then id pull them out and watch it slowly run down my arm.
I bet it smells like fish...
ok im good until next week!
That's... actually kinda cute? I mean, it has a Michael Scott vibe to it? Like he's trying really hard to get them to appreciate the river? I believe I might be overusing the questionmark? Oh my god I can't stop? Send help?
Wait, what? Unless that's an allegory for AI or something, that actually sounds pretty nice.
It's the forced small talk that the OP has an issue with, not the actual view.
Maybe I'm too deliberately obtuse, but I would make so much fun out of this, taking it as an opportunity to research useless river facts. Like "did you know this river starts at X?", specific facts about its wildlife, etc. Just pretend I'm intensely interested in the river beyond its utility for small talk until it goes from something everyone is sick of into a running gag.
Which I guess ironically feeds into what the boss wants, but at least it's not painful.
Find a local river monitoring org and see if you can get the nombers for oxygen saturation, PH and pollution information. Odds are they aren’t great.
Ok, now do that at least twice a week forever.
You only need to research 104 facts, then boilerplate the intro and closing and copy/paste for the messages, then you setup a scheduled task to send 2 messages - Monday and Thursday - in order (not random, since you don't want to send the same thing twice or too close). In an office of 50 people there's no way they'll remember the 4 facts that you sent last year at the last week of April. But here's the fun part, if they keep it up for a year+, you start seeing return on your investment. If not, you don't change the scheduled task, and they slowly go mad with river facts until they leave the company and/or die. Either way, you win.
I think that’s the takeaway… well assuming “yearning for the mines” isn’t being used sarcastically.
I'm way overthinking this. To me, it sounds like someone proposed to move to a cheaper location. Some other manager asked for this to "prove" this improves morale and the river view office should be kept Who knows
A friend told me that as part of a “team bonding exercise” they were asked to sing one of their favorite songs with the lyrics re-worded about their job or company and I am so thankful that this bullshit hasn’t spread to my country yet.
🎵 I know a task that gets on everybody's nerves...🎵
🎵Why does this meeting never end🎵 🎵it just goes on and on my friend🎵 🎵Some C-suite level jokers heard that number must go up🎵 🎵This could have been an email but we'll forever ever wonder...🎵
Just sing Gwar - Sick of You, unchanged
Plot twist. Boss is actually the river and just wants to hear nice things about it.
Maybe he doesn't remember that he's a river?
Sounds like an anime plot to me! "Old Man River: How I Discovered My Boss is an 8000-Year Old River God"
Ngl I would have a ball with this.
"Hey boss you excited for the beginning of trout spawning season?"
I see people badmouthing this but it sounds like a case of 1. It's easy to forget and stop seeing the beauty that you see every day and 2. A lighthearted corporate goal stated to try to get people to come together and just take a moment to appreciate some of nature's beauty
I see what they tried to go for, but enforcing stuff like that is not good. Because forced good feelings always just do the opposite.
Who said this is even tracked, let alone enforced? Drawing the conclusion that it's enforced seems like a bit of a leap.
That said, if my boss said that to me it would probably sit poorly with me in the moment purely because I just want to focus on my job and GTFO, I don't particularly want to pine for outside when I'm stuck anyways. It's corny and not particularly inspiring, but nothing wrong with it on its face. If somebody was clocking such things that's a huge "find another corporate wage slave camp to sink your labor into" flag.
Yea, I don't see the problem with this. I have annual goals at work. If this was an official goal for me, I'd be thrilled. Easy exceeded expectations for that one.
"Imagine diving down to the bottom, expelling all the air from your lungs, and just waiting for the river's sweet embrace to take you. I hear it's a surprisingly peaceful way to go. I yearn for that with all my being. Monday mornings, eh? Do these windows open?"
In the mines they make everyone stand in a circle every morning and take turns each day giving stretches for us all to do
I would rather say look at all them chickens
How about your boss brings in a puppy and everybody who likes puppies has to play with it twice a day?
Anything to keep you from talking about how management treats you or how much you're all getting paid for the same work.
This is being hyperbolic, but at least the lordes and tyrants of the past used to just steal your food or murder you.
These modern replacements like playing with their food.
Later during performance review:
"I noticed you are having issues staying on task; you need to minimize the distractions around you to make sure this doesn't become problematic for work"
let me out of the office to experience it, then
Damn, I bet that river has more liquid assets than I do.
I would like to know where this river is so I can sail a barge made out of empty plastic containers down it while wearing a Gandalf costume and let everyone hit their 2 things quota in 15 minutes.
#firstworldproblems
Lol really... I wonder what this person's workload is... It seems like the boss was just making light of the concept of quarterly goals, but maybe I misinterpreted it
The river brings life. The river brings prosperity.
You have to be kind of a fucked up person if you can't appreciate the river.
Rotting in the mines is probably where you belong if you can't appreciate the river.
Say both of those on a Monday when you come in and your goals are all met!
Just spam "from the river to the sea" all day every day.
"Hey, don't you love the nature surrounding us, which you are prohibited from interacting with during the length of your contractual obligations with us?"
Not really, but it beats the fuck out of the interstate that runs by mine.
I would love to work there