Kinda rage bait. I’m a newish mom and verbalize when struggling. If he’s doesn’t know how to help, I direct him. I had to get comfortable with the fact that he would help in his own way and to not steamroll him as a parent just because I’m mom. But I ask if I need something; he’s not a mind reader or an asshole, he’s my partner.
I hope it gets better for anyone struggling like this. It’s tough.
I have great respect for the task of being a parent in our time. Not just the social pressure and the workload is immense, figuring out how to share it is a hard task on it's own. It's great, that it seems to work for you.
I'm just always a little irritated, when people talk about men "helping out" in care work, as if it is not their main task, as if it is extra applaudable when it's men that do the same exact thing. I might read way to much into this choice of words, so feel free to ignore, but would you call what you do as a parent "helping with parenting"? Whenever workers share an equal workload e.g. on a construction site, one wouldn't usually say about the other:"they helped out", they would say:"they did their part, same as I did, same es everyone else". Directing people, keeping everything in mind and telling them when something needs to be done is a lot of work too, a kind that's easily ignored.
I guess if one person has to do a lot more wage labor than the other to fill a shared account, than that's a piece of their part of the work too and that might mean less care work. In the end whatever setup works for everyone involved is fine, as long as it is consensual and meets everyones needs as much as possible.
Help isn't just used in the context of a person doing something and another person with a secondary contribution. It's also the word used for two people working together on a common goal.
We're helping eachother out.
You made a nice meal. Oh yes, but Steve and Joe were helping me cook. That doesn't mean one was the cook, it means 3 people cooked to make a meal.
OP even says "when he doesn't know how to help" implying all his chores are done and he still has energy so he gets advice on the next chore from his partner. Maybe it's a chore his partner usually does, or maybe it's a chore he didn't notice needed to get done that she noticed. If she finishes her chores and has energy left she can ask for the same thing.
God you just want to see men as useless and women as heroes when we're all just people in this world trying to make the best of things.
You articulated it perfectly. Partnership is collaborative. Our mindset is that we’re on the same team. We help each other to keep harmony so neither is overburdened. I’ll pass on that motherhood martyrdom bs, no thanks. This is a marathon, not a sprint. I value my partnership.
I appreciate your comment @Hacksaw@lemmy.ca
Mmm I love me some communication ❤️
This generalization can fuck off in a number of different ways.
As a father I'm seeing all these other fathers and just think damn glad i'm not their wife.
My friends and I do make this generalization a bit, but mostly at older men, boomer age. We all know a number of men who will proudly claim they never changed a diaper.
My mother in law and grandmother in law were in amazement at the level of participation I had with my kids. They commented on it a number of times (jokingly telling my wife to lock me down with sex) when they'd see me do almost anything for my own kids.
I don't know any new fathers though
You say that based on what? Do you know these couple's reality? See my other post: https://lemmy.eco.br/post/22554051/20529801
This post is explicitly talking about fathers who never change diapers or help at all with the babies. Does that apply to you?
I think nowadays I do a similar amount of work as she. Some tasks she does more, others I do more. And we both have help.
Anyway, our sex problems are as old as our marriage, many years before pregnancy.
Regarding your other comment about not having a right to sex: marriage comes with an implicit spectation of sex. If someone despises sex, they need to make it clear before marriage.
I am not talking about one side being a dick and still demanding sex. I am talking about a person with clear health problems refusing treatment because therapy is for the weak and therefore she has no problem.
I am not saying she is evil, I am saying prejudiced caricatures cause troubled people to refuse therapy.
Maybe I wrote in a confusing way, but she is a much happier person now after therapy! The fights and headaches are gone. Previously, twice or thrice a week she had such violent headaches that induced small visual hallucinations, but she refused treatment because "it is normal, I was born this way".
Based on lots of things that i dont care to argue about. I don't know if you actually believe that gender equality has been achieved wrt domestic labor but it hasn't. A lot of dads view stuff like cooking, cleaning and changing diapers as the moms job still.
I never said gender equality has been achieved. You are pontificating about people you never met, based on prejudice. What is your data? Mayo Clinic says 40% of women experience dyspareunia (painful intercourse), yet many don’t realize it’s a treatable medical condition. Or they take long to realize. My wife’s physiotherapist had a 60-years-old patient. Additionally, libido naturally varies between individuals, meaning couples with mismatched desires must both adapt.
These physical factors are often compounded by psychological barriers, such as sexually repressive upbringings and stigma surrounding therapy. When a woman is unaware that her condition is treatable, she may deflect blame rather than seek help. Pontificating that sexual difficulties are always the husband’s fault only reinforces this resistance. Blame narratives prevent women from accessing the care they need.
Generalization sucks.
Going to the comments section. 😎🍿
Dude, great username. That's all I came to say.
Many assume an unsatisfied husband is simply demanding or abusive, but the reality is far more nuanced. For instance, the Mayo Clinic reports that 40% of women experience dyspareunia (painful intercourse), yet many don’t realize it’s a treatable medical condition. Or they take long to realize. My wife's physiotherapist had a 60-years old patient. Additionally, libido naturally varies between individuals, meaning couples with mismatched desires must both adapt.
These physical factors are often compounded by psychological barriers, such as sexually repressive upbringings and stigma surrounding therapy. When a woman is unaware that her condition is treatable, she may deflect blame rather than seek help. Framing sexual difficulties as solely a husband’s fault only reinforces this resistance. Blame narratives prevent women from accessing the care they need.
Generalization sucks.
