this post was submitted on 16 Mar 2026
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14
How to get over regret about bottom surgery without killing myself? (programming.dev)
submitted 5 hours ago by MarthaPuppyGirl@programming.dev to c/mtf@lemmy.blahaj.zone
NSFW 20 comments fedilink hide all child comments
 

I had bottom surgery almost a year ago and I regret it so much. I didn't say anything up to now I kept getting told that feelings of doubt and uncertainty will get better as it heals, well it's healed for over a month and it hasn't gone away. It's gotten worse! I feel like I'm broken, like part of me is missing. I wish I didn't fucking do this shit. I miss my dick and balls so much.

Don't tell me that I don't regret it and that regret is rare. This isn't the first time I spoke up. I said this shit on Reddit and the dipshits who run r/trans banned me telling me that regret is rare and that I probably don't regret it, and that the chance of me being not trans is tiny. I explained to those dumb fucks that I 100% am trans, am a woman and that I miss my dick and balls and they got me suspended for 3 days and muted me.

I absolutely regret it and I absolutely am a woman. Some days (currently now) I think about killing myself because I know I'll never be whole again. I just want to get in my car and drive off a gate bridge, and that would be it.

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[–] IntensityLad@lemmy.blahaj.zone 1 points 1 hour ago

Wow, what a ridiculous take from the reddit. “Regret is rare so it doesn’t exist”. Honey, BEING TRANS is relatively rare in the general population and it’s real as hell.

I wish I had better advice, but try to remember no feeling is final and there is always a tomorrow. Though it may be a hell of a battle to stay sane while going through this I know you have the strength to keep fighting as you had the strength to make such huge changes to find yourself originally, even if you might have pushed too far in that direction with that choice. Lots of love girlfriend <3

[–] bearboiblake@pawb.social 11 points 4 hours ago (1 children)

Your feelings are totally valid, my advice to you is to seek out a trans-friendly therapist and to work with them. It sounds more expensive than it is, and if it could save your life, it's worth every penny.

[–] MarthaPuppyGirl@programming.dev 5 points 3 hours ago (1 children)

I'll look for one. I don't know how much it'll help but it's worth a try I guess. Thank you.

[–] bearboiblake@pawb.social 3 points 3 hours ago

I'm really glad to hear that, I really think it can help. In the meantime, if you ever need a sympathetic ear, to trauma dump or rant or anything, please feel free to reach out. I'm really sorry about the people invalidating you, that must be really horrible, but remember you are never alone, there are always people who care about you.

[–] WalrusDragonOnABike@reddthat.com 12 points 4 hours ago (1 children)

Sorry to year your experience with your bottom surgery and attempts at getting support in the past have gone poorly. From what I've seen in the past, lemmy trans spaces tend to be better than that.

I don't really have any advice unfortunately. It seems like its difficult to try to get a phalloplasty after having a vaginoplasty; even if you can find a surgeon who is willing to try, there's higher risks from my understanding and you may have to do a lot of self-advocating to get the surgeon to be willing to try.

Not exactly what aspects you miss about it, but would a packer potentially help? Seems like it would be worth a try?

I hope you can find some peace regardless of what it takes.

[–] SuspiciousCatThing@pawb.social 7 points 4 hours ago

You can still find happiness in life. It's a big change, but it can still be okay. I truly appreciate this post and I hope dearly that you choose to stick around.

[–] boobs_@lemmy.world 10 points 4 hours ago (1 children)

What made you choose to go through with it in the first place?

What makes you miss it now? What is it about then vs now that you miss?

[–] MarthaPuppyGirl@programming.dev 1 points 4 hours ago (2 children)

I was told by people I know and in support groups that it was the next stage and that if I didn't I wouldn't ever feel like a real woman. I was told that I would be seen as a man by others and that I could be assaulted by people I meet and hook up with. I don't really know, I guess I believed the shit people told me and thought it was the right thing to do. It was not.

I miss peeing while standing up. I miss... (People will think I'm a troll for this)

NSFWI miss jacking myself to porn. Touching myself in general down there. Feeling myself down there, jiggling my balls. Things I took for granted back then. I also hate dialating, I haven't done it at all in the past 2 months. It just feels so gross to stick something inside me. I don't even care if this rotten hole closes up. It's not like they can fix it or put it back how it was.

I miss just having it in general. Seeing myself with a dick back then I never thought anything of it, but seeing myself with this disgusting hole in my crotch just makes me want to vomit, and always makes me cry. I look so disgusting, I know other people don't think I would look disgusting if they saw me naked but I look disgusting to myself with a vagina. I hated it so much that I ended up breaking my bedroom mirror out of anger, sadness, and disgust. Tore a 2 inch gash in my hand doing that.

[–] boobs_@lemmy.world 7 points 4 hours ago* (last edited 4 hours ago) (3 children)

Alright so here's why I think you're a troll:

Being post-op doesn't change shit for trans women when it comes to hook ups or even meeting people. Transphobes will do it regardless. Transphobes will see you as a man regardless. Everyone in the trans community is inescapably aware of this. People who are not transphobes will have no issue seeing you as a woman regardless of your equipment.

Trans people do not, under any circumstances, gatekeep when you feel like a "real woman" because bottom surgery is something utterly inaccessible to most.

The way you describe it skips over the part where actually getting bottom surgery is a long series of hoops to jump through including multiple different therapist letters where every single person everywhere along the way is going to double check with you that you really do want to go through with this. If you express even the slightest hesitation, they're going to tell you no. Someone who is actually unsure whether or not they want it is going to back out. No amount of peer pressure would ever be enough to get someone to go through with it which, again, that peer pressure won't exist because trans people will never tell you when you get to feel like a real woman. If you come into a space expressing that, it's up to you to say that not having bottom surgery is the reason for that feeling. Nobody else can ever tell you what to feel about it.

Lastly, the idea that you can no longer touch yourself after bottom surgery, jack off to porn, or feel yourself is absurd. You absolutely can, surgeons preserve the sexual function. Even if you went to the least reputable bottom surgeon there was, you wouldn't be saying the things you are in the way you are if you did. You'd be saying you regretted the surgeon you went to or that the results weren't what you wanted, not that you wanted the old equipment back as is. It would be couched in "well it was better than this because everything sucks for XYZ reason" where XYZ reason is none of the reasons you just gave.

[–] ada@lemmy.blahaj.zone 6 points 2 hours ago (1 children)

Trans people do not, under any circumstances, gatekeep when you feel like a "real woman" because bottom surgery is something utterly inaccessible to most.

Sorry, but this is simply wrong. There is a whole section of the community that does exactly that. They are known as transmedicalists. They believe that you have to have dysphoria to be trans, and that you have to badly want GRS, and do everything you can to attain it.

For many many years, this fitting this description was the only way to access medical care, as popularised by the Benjamin Standards of care. And whilst many countries have moved away from this, many have not. There are many trans communities and sub communities that absolutely judge trans people who don't need or want GRS, because they're perpetuating the transphobic gatekeeping that they've internalised in to their own self image.

Which is to say, a key part of your suspicion is based on your own lack of exposure to harmful parts of the community, and there is a non zero chance that you're being needlessly cruel to someone expressing their pain and vulnerability.

Yes, it's suspicious that someone with a brand new account appears out of nowhere, and expresses pain and distress at an experience that is uncommon in trans spaces, yet is also perceived as common by transphobes.

But unless you know for certain that you aren't hurting a genuine member of the community with your words, I'm going to ask that you refrain from engaging further.

[–] boobs_@lemmy.world 1 points 2 hours ago

I made another comment after yours because it took a while to draft and so I posted it before I saw this. I've aired my concerns and accounted for transmedicalists in them, I am fine stepping away now.

[–] bearboiblake@pawb.social 3 points 3 hours ago (1 children)

This is a really, really bad take and it's very cruel, I completely understand why you'd be suspicious, but I think even with those suspicions, you should be erring on the side of caution, on the chance you are wrong, you may have pushed a transgender person closer to suicide by invalidating their experiences.

There is a good deal of transmedicalism out there, and I don't see many signs of OP being a troll at all, they seem like someone nearing the end of their rope to me.

[–] boobs_@lemmy.world 2 points 2 hours ago

I understand the concern. I came off harsher than I intended but I do feel fairly strongly that the poster is not who they claim to be and is not posting in good faith. The details, language, and content don't line up with someone who was heavily influenced by transmedicalists either. There is the possibility of details and information that would change my mind but that's where it stands right now. I would need to see the points I brought up addressed.

I don't want to ostracize someone struggling from the community but I don't want to simply ignore astroturfing / astroterfing either. People do try to poison the trans community or others perceptions of trans people sometimes, we are unfortunately a fairly controversial topic right now. I've seen too many instances of transphobes making their own social media posts posing as people who regret something in transition in order to then screenshot it and share it in their own circles, for example. In my best judgment, I think this post is far enough past suspicious that I'm willing to state my concerns matter-of-factly.

I encourage others to upvote or downvote me accordingly with whether they think my take is good, bad, the post is real, fake, etc. if people disagree with me and OP is indeed genuine, then at the very least a negative score would make it easier for them to ignore my take.

[–] MarthaPuppyGirl@programming.dev 2 points 4 hours ago

Screw you! if I wanted to have people dismiss my experiences and validity I would go back to the transphobes on Reddit!

[–] MarthaPuppyGirl@programming.dev 0 points 4 hours ago (2 children)
[–] Spyro@programming.dev 2 points 4 hours ago (1 children)

They didn't, our auto-mod did. We have an automod that detects profanity.

I have disabled it for you now.

[–] MarthaPuppyGirl@programming.dev 1 points 4 hours ago

Oh, @ada@lemmy.blahaj.zone @LadyAutumn@lemmy.blahaj.zone I'm sorry My bad. I've been very volatile lately. I'm hurting very badly lately.

[–] gibmiser@lemmy.world 8 points 4 hours ago

There are risks with everything. I'm sorry you are suffering. There is so much to unpack about something like this, and people are probably afraid to say the wrong thing since everyone has such strong loaded opinions about this shit.