Ask Lemmy

One thing I learned over the years is that toxic people don't change. The signs are always there from the very beginning, and ignoring them is always a choice.

It took me 3 years of dating a toxic woman to realize this. At the beginning I was so happy at the thought of having a relationship that I intentionally ignored red flags that were always there. I ignored her passive aggressiveness, her emotional unavailability, her manipulative tendencies, her narcissism, all of it. I was miserable, but I tried to naively convince myself that I could try to change her or that she would see things my way eventually, but that's a stupid mentality to have.

People can only ever change themselves. Change requires dissatisfaction with oneself, and that comes from personal growth. Toxic people like this, they're always satisfied with themselves, which is why they're unaware of their toxicity. These people can't ever change. This is why it is vitally important to not ignore the signs in the beginning, it's never worth it. You'll be in a bad relationship from day one, and it'll only get worse with time. If you're smelling something sketch about the person you're dating, then trust your gut and dip. Your hunches will be right more often than not.

That the world is basically run and controlled by a handful of rich fascists or paedophiles, or rich fascist-paedophiles. That's pretty grim IMHO

Sometimes doing the right thing falls a foul of the law.

As I've gotten older, I've learned who I am, and become comfortable with that. And, I've also learned who I'm not. This has reduced stress for me.

As I’ve grown up, the most depressing realization I had is that adults are a myth. No one knows what the hell they’re doing. People can be good at doing their thing in a specialty but world leaders are mostly putting on a brave face.

There’s no real plan. No one’s on the same page. No one’s steering the ship. It’s just a whole lot of hemming and hawing, and a few idiots doing the bull in a china shop routine.

The walls seperating governments, corporations and organized crime are somewhere between transparently thin to non-existant.

You will not be "too frail" to enjoy life at 65, or even older. Don't let that thought poison your present. I took up a competitive sport in my 60s, as well as beekeeping, and I'm not an outlier.

You struggle to make new connections as you get older, and as old connections fall, you become more isolated and realize just how few people give a shit that you exist at all.

I'm a happy enough guy, and I've been lucky with family in my life, so this comment, while it may sound negative , hopefully won't bring you down - it's just a general observation from 48 years on the planet.

Basically, I've noticed that most 'professional' folk - ie Doctors, lawyers etc these days are surprisingly mediocre people.

I always assumed, as a kid, that these people in lofty positions would be intelligent, eloquent, wise and charismatic.

Perhaps it's because I was raised on TV and have unrealistic expectations, but the lawyers and doctors I've dealt with myself through work and in my personal life seem entirely unremarkable. I could forgive that if they were steadfast and competent, but instead I've found them to be mostly dull and poor at their jobs.

My superiors at work seem to be barely able to string a sentence together without ChatGPT, and our kids teachers are little better.

Anyway, rant over. Just generally fed up with how many, franky, inept people are in jobs that I once assumed were for exceptional individuals.

We spend our formative years constructing a model of the world that makes sense, and the rest of our lives coming to terms with how wrong we were.

Two important lessons are opposite aspects of the same thing:

• You're not entitled to anyone giving a fuck 😞
• Nobody gives a fuck 😀

In other words: You're responsible for your own happiness. And whatever makes you happy, most people won't care, and fewer will think any less of you for it. Enjoy what you like, and don't worry too much about what others think.

Realized just how badly Christianity dropped the ball in helping people find meaning and connection to "something greater". Not only did it fail countless believers horribly, it also poisoned the well so that people can't imagine spirituality in general being anything but grifts, dogma and belief in supernatural beings arbitrarily screwing with people.

Thankfully I had enough open mindedness to actually try to understand what makes people religious, so I read some books on different traditions and Three Pillars of Zen hit on something in me I didn't know was there. And I got the answer to my question.

Somewhere in the middle: A dream job doesn't exist, but a dream life with a job can.

Everything, even high end shit, is built to be the cheapest possible, generally with no regard to repair.

This might be the broadest question ever asked.

For many people the only thing worse than having no family is having family.

Once I let go of all the ideas about what I thought "should" be, I got a huge relief. Stopped arguing with reality and just live one day at a time, doing as I please with what is available to me.

Nothing is right, but nothing is wrong either. It just is.

You can try to help your friends who have mental issues, but it comes with risks.You should know when to stop. I'm not telling you to abandon your friends who need help. Try to support them, but only within your limits.

You're (probably) not a professional therapist, so you don't really have the means to make the kind of impact you're hoping to make. Try to pay attention to the signs when the relationship is beginning to harm your well being. When you notice that, it's time to step back.

If you know someone who clearly needs help but refuses to seek it, you're in a tough spot. Realistically, there might not be much you can do to help. Coming to terms with that that is painful, but watching someone collapse and implode is even more agonizing.

Positive side: You've done what you can, but sometimes that just isn't enough. It's not your fault if someone gravitates towards an otherwise avoidable disaster, so don't blame yourself.

People just don't really want to be my friend.
They'll hang out when we're having a good time or doing things together, but as soon as they're no longer being entertained i don't exist.

Everyone's probably already said this, and it counts as both good and bad.

Nobody else knows what they're doing, either. I think I learned this depressingly late in life. I had this idea that the movers and shakers of the world got there because they knew what they were doing. Their goals and mine may not align, but they know how to achieve them. It was probably when the Juicero came out and (Forbes?) had that video of someone just squeezing the bag into a glass, and then me subsequently learning how much VC funding that thing got. It made me realize that Silicon Valley tech bros and their investors live in a different world altogether.

medicare covers 80% of medical and the retiree pays 20% with no cap. so enjoy that reatirement.

That the most evil people who are willing to break laws and social norms at other's expense are the most likely to succeed

I'm not the doer.

https://youtu.be/QojrXv5iVEM

Depressing realisation about life: It ends.

Positive benefits about life: It ends.

Don’t trust anyone — anyone can stab you in the back at any time.

When I figured out that a lot of people are going to spend their better years, wasting away, working jobs they hate every 40 hours of the week and 8 hours a day or longer.

Yep it's so grim