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true.
i find my girlfriends the most attractive when they were at their 'worst'. i liked sweat pants, bun hair, and shopping at the grocery store for a meal. they only found me attractive when i was dressed up and shiny and taking them on a expensive dinner date.
it sucks. still stuck in this pattern where the ladies i date HATE the things I love. super jealous of my friends who have wives who have zero interest in expensive restaurants and dressing up.
Sorry to hear that! Maybe you need to rethink your dating approach...
i can't change who is attracted to me. only fancy women want to date me. on dating apps i just get an endless stream of high end designer handbag women sending me messages. i got two messages this morning on hinge.
i dress like a schlub, it makes no sense. schlub women want nothing to do with me. i send all my messages/matches to schlub ladies, but they never reply.
i dress like a schlub, it makes no sense. schlub women want nothing to do with me. i send all my messages/matches to schlub ladies, but they never reply.
This looks like a logic problem: If you're dressing like a shlub, and only attracting fancy dressed women, while your desire is to attract schlub dressed women, but schlub dressed women aren't interested in your current projected self, then it seems you should dress fancy yourself (for your app pictures at least). While you might still attract fancy dressed women, you might also attract the attention of shlub dress women as well.
But, then he'd be "lying" about how he wants to dress, and he'd be expected to dress fancy all the time. That's not who he is, it seems.
I'm not on dating apps, so perhaps I don't know all the protocol, but if I see someone dressed for fishing holding a fish, I don't automatically assume they always dress for fishing. If someone is dressed up fancy, it could have been taken at a wedding and no one would accuse them of deception if they didn't always dress up in wedding formal, no?
OP could put a text disclaimer in the post: "The pictures don't represent how I normally dress. I very rarely dress fancy."
I don't automatically assume they always dress for fishing
…fuck; is that why people keep getting weirded out when I show up for the first date?
You're bringing new meaning to the term "catfishing". 😀
Might help if he updates his profile to specifically say he's looking for a schlub.
i don't ever dress fancy. i am not going to falsely advertise myself. not everyone is an amoral manipulator seeking to optimize their image. i don't own a suit and haven't worn one in 15 years. i don't have a 'projected self' either. I am what i am, unlike the women who want to date me, who are often liars and fakers.
lying to people is a shitty way to date. i'd know. most of my exes were liars who thought lying to me was totally cool because i was a 'stupid man' and they 'knew better'.
i am not going to falsely advertise myself. not everyone is an amoral manipulator seeking to optimize their image.
I wouldn't categorize showing a picture of yourself dressed up as "amoral manipulation". You're certainly free to hold that view.
I am what i am, unlike the women who want to date me, who are often liars and fakers.
I'm sorry you've had these difficult relationships in the past.
presenting a false image of who you are is manipulative.
I think people have a hard time grasping just how off "dressing up" feels for some people. Like I recognize that I look pretty good when I do, but the farthest I've went is a dress shirt+suit jacket and that already felt like absolutely so not me. Putting pictures like that up to, essentially, advertise myself would feel extremely dishonest.
I'm guessing it's similar for you.
It doesn't make me off, it's just not part of my lifestyle. I actually would like going to fancy restaurants and dressing up, but on rare occasional, not every week/day. And the 'dressiest' I get is business causal. I've never in my life been to a restaurant that required a jacket, for example. I only ever wore suits for weddings and funerals, as an adult and I haven't had one of those in 15 years.
I’ve been down that road. The hardest thing to do is to pass over a sure thing for what you might classify as a fantasy. But, there are thousands of people in your area (some are single milfs too 😅) and I’d bet dollars to doughnuts there’s a few out there that would get you super close to your ideal. Keep dating, but take stock in what works for you and what doesn’t. My therapist calls these people “practice chicks”, because they’re your stepping stone to “perfect” (not literally perfect).
Stay strong and give yourself grace.
the COL in my city is so high that normal people can't live here anymore. I only am able to live here because i bought a home 5 years ago before prices doubled. hence the dating pool is full of people who are making 200K a year, who think they are poor, walking around in $5000 outfits thinking that is 'normal'. my outfits are like $100. I shop at uniqlo and rei almost exclusively. the most expensive clothing i own is probably my ski jacket that's like $200.
and if i've learned anything about rich people over the years from dating them, it's that image is everything to them. and it's nothing to me, so there is zero possibility of us ever being compatible beyond a casual sex relationship. which is mostly all i ever find in dating the past 5 years. i haven't had a real relationship in a decade, when the COL in my area was 1/3 of what is today.
litereally my last date before xmas, the woman humble bragging about her multi millionaire parents and went on for 45m about her financial struggles as a doctor making 400K a year she would never 'live up to their standards'. when i told her my parents made 30K a year so i had no clue about any of that, since i make way more than my parents ever did, she took out her phone and said 'i have an emergency' and got up and walked out leaving me with the check.
Well this is one thing that's different in Florida. You can't get us to dress up. Restaurants though? Sometimes the fancy ones are so good!
I do love to cook so we are eating mostly at home but I consider it "putting in effort" when my husband takes me out for supper, that seems like a normal thing to think? Especially if I thought it wasn't his preference. They probably did find you attractive in your casual wear (otherwise would have swiped left or whatever the equivalent is) but wanted to acknowledge your effort in dressing up.
yes. I have many photos of her with food on her face or caught by suprise.