this post was submitted on 12 Jan 2026
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i can't change who is attracted to me. only fancy women want to date me. on dating apps i just get an endless stream of high end designer handbag women sending me messages. i got two messages this morning on hinge.
i dress like a schlub, it makes no sense. schlub women want nothing to do with me. i send all my messages/matches to schlub ladies, but they never reply.
This looks like a logic problem: If you're dressing like a shlub, and only attracting fancy dressed women, while your desire is to attract schlub dressed women, but schlub dressed women aren't interested in your current projected self, then it seems you should dress fancy yourself (for your app pictures at least). While you might still attract fancy dressed women, you might also attract the attention of shlub dress women as well.
But, then he'd be "lying" about how he wants to dress, and he'd be expected to dress fancy all the time. That's not who he is, it seems.
I'm not on dating apps, so perhaps I don't know all the protocol, but if I see someone dressed for fishing holding a fish, I don't automatically assume they always dress for fishing. If someone is dressed up fancy, it could have been taken at a wedding and no one would accuse them of deception if they didn't always dress up in wedding formal, no?
OP could put a text disclaimer in the post: "The pictures don't represent how I normally dress. I very rarely dress fancy."
…fuck; is that why people keep getting weirded out when I show up for the first date?
You're bringing new meaning to the term "catfishing". 😀
Might help if he updates his profile to specifically say he's looking for a schlub.
i don't ever dress fancy. i am not going to falsely advertise myself. not everyone is an amoral manipulator seeking to optimize their image. i don't own a suit and haven't worn one in 15 years. i don't have a 'projected self' either. I am what i am, unlike the women who want to date me, who are often liars and fakers.
lying to people is a shitty way to date. i'd know. most of my exes were liars who thought lying to me was totally cool because i was a 'stupid man' and they 'knew better'.
I wouldn't categorize showing a picture of yourself dressed up as "amoral manipulation". You're certainly free to hold that view.
I'm sorry you've had these difficult relationships in the past.
presenting a false image of who you are is manipulative.
I think people have a hard time grasping just how off "dressing up" feels for some people. Like I recognize that I look pretty good when I do, but the farthest I've went is a dress shirt+suit jacket and that already felt like absolutely so not me. Putting pictures like that up to, essentially, advertise myself would feel extremely dishonest.
I'm guessing it's similar for you.
It doesn't make me off, it's just not part of my lifestyle. I actually would like going to fancy restaurants and dressing up, but on rare occasional, not every week/day. And the 'dressiest' I get is business causal. I've never in my life been to a restaurant that required a jacket, for example. I only ever wore suits for weddings and funerals, as an adult and I haven't had one of those in 15 years.