Casual Conversation

1. How you are feeling is valid and real
2. Get a personal therapist
3. Consider a marriage therapist for a bit so you can get help talking to your wife
4. In the meantime see what you are comfortable telling your wife. It will be hard but it's harder to bottle emotions up for years.

Have you tried telling your wife any of this?

I've felt a lot of what you're feeling before and it sucks, I'm sorry that's happening. One thing that may help is to decide a minimum number of nights you want for yourself per week, then talk about it with your wife. My wife is similar where she also plans all the things and generally wants me to spend time with her each night. But if I tell her, "I'm taking Wednesday nights and Friday nights for myself," she'll understand and respect it. Doing this also helps me actually relax during that time because if I establish that I'm supposed to be doing this, then I don't have guilt that I'm supposed to be with her instead (this may not apply to you though). It doesn't sound to me like divorce is the next logical step for you. Tweaking expectations and schedules may alleviate some of what you're feeling.

Holidays are hard and she's probably feeling it too. Talk to her!

If you want food and gifts and such, you have to participate in the preparation. It's ok to choose (within reason) when you do those things.

You don't have to fake bathroom trips. It's ok to say, "I need to get outside for a bit. I'm going for s walk."

I absolutely hate living on other's schedules and I'm very keenly aware of how I want to spend my time and as a result I've decided that I don't want kids.

If your wife isn't into what you are then spending time for the holidays will always be about making compromises, and that goes both ways. She has to respect how you want to spend your time and you have to respect how she wants to spend her time and find a middle ground.

"Being Alive Is Fucking Exhausting" Syndrome.

There is no cure...

🫠

Sounds like burnout. There are ways to deal with it. This gives an ok overview. See if that matches your experience. If it does, that's great because now there's a known path out.

I don't even think I am in introvert... like I love traveling and talking with others, but I just have a limit where I think it's just too much and I don't need it. I like partying on Koh Phi Phi for 2 days but after that I don't need anyone for the next 2 weeks.

That's what an introvert is: you charge your energy by being alone. An extrovert charges their energy by being among people. Being introverted has nothing to do with not liking talking to people or never leaving your home.

The relationship has to work for both of you. You have to be clear about what you want and need. If you need time and space to yourself, it's fair to make it clear. "I get tired, exhausted and depressed when I don't get time to myself". I really need x evenings per week to do my own thing. If she's the right person, she'll understand, listen and try to work with you.

Of course, if you separate, maybe the loneliness will become more significant than you realise. Do you enjoy spending time with them when it's not forced? Do you still have things in common? Do you still enjoy the intimacy? These questions impact on whether the relationship is the issue, or your lack of boundaries and assertiveness plus your willingness to compromise on all your wants for them. Your wants are equally as important as theirs. It's supposed to be an equal partnership. Always try to improve the situation first, as ultimately, if you end it, you may very well not be able to go back. Edit: (Maybe communicate starting with positives "I love you, and I really like our life together, but I have not always been good at communicating what I need and how I feel, and I think it's made things really difficult. There are a few things I hope we can change to really improve things and I'd really like to try that". Wording like this comes off blameless. She isn't going to feel hurt or defensive and as a result will be more receptive. Also being honest and vulnerable can help build that connection.)

If you start to build a life you enjoy, you stop running, and hiding. Currently, you're trying to escape because you feel powerless. You're powerless because you haven't learnt to communicate your needs and fight your corner. No one will truly look out for you like you can and you need to learn this. You need to develop your self-esteem to feel worthy of asking for the things you need. It doesn't hurt to say "I love talking to you and you sharing things with me, but I really cannot handle too much problems before shifts. I need to get in a clear zen like mindset, or I'm carrying too much and it ruins my vibe and makes shifts harder to get through".

Oh, and most critically, don't have kids, or take risks until you know things have improved and are working. That'd really increase the pressure in the pressure cooker.

Edit: Many of these things I failed to do in the past and it took me too long to figure out and build a happy relationship. It's hard and scary at first. You need to realise that person is with you because they love you and want you to be happy, not because of what you do for them. You do learn more about your relationship as you ask for what you need, whether this is good or bad, you'll need to know.

Talk to her, don't continue eating up your frustration and getting resentful inside. Maybe she feels the same.

I used to feel like that, although in the wife position. I felt like my time was scheduled by someone else, and I felt like all I ever did was clean and tidy up and do laundry. He felt like he had to walk on eggshells around my moods. None of us ever managed to bring up the growing feelings of resentment, because we loved each other so we should be getting along, right?

It got so bad that we broke up - luckily we got back together, now each with their own household. Each household with its own level of filth, permissions around animals, schedule, way of running a kitchen, of handling finances, of receiving people ... It's so, so, so much easier. The time we spend together now is real quality time where we give each other attention - which can range from anything from helping each other out to having passionate sex.

Two people expecting to be able to enjoy living together because they love each other must be one of the worst ideas ever, but we are so programmed to just follow this model because it's the standard.

It’s ok to ask for some quiet time in the holidays - and take it even if people look at you a bit fun. I’m currently sitting in the corner at my parents in law house playing video games and it’s ok. They recognise I work hard during the year ( and so do you) and we make the effort to come see them for a couple of weeks over the holidays, but that I need some quiet to rest. Talk to wife about it - I’m sure she cares and it’s not a big ask