Casual Conversation

Hey..

I dunno if this is just an issue that I have since I am married, I feel so exhausted by people and especially now in family with my wife and I don't have kids.

Maybe my stress tolerance is just screwed up or I might just slowly find out that marriage isn't for me.

Especially during the holidays I notice how small minor things are getting on my nervs, but what bothers me most is that most of my days are being planned by others (wife, her family, my family sometimes,..).

I get off nightshift, I wake up and do my thing. During the year its fine cause my wife and everyone else is WORKING and I am alone. I wake up, make my coffee, hit the gym, sit in a café and zone out and watch people. Call me pathetic, but I could sit there all day and just stare at a wall and people and I'd be happy until my nightshift starts.

Now the holidays. I wake up, can't go to the gym cause I have to get XYZ at place XYZ before XYZ or else it's to late. I have to get the christmas tree, I have to help bake cookies, I have to buy grocieries for the holidays, I have to,...

Before my marriage when we didn't live together my holidays were easy. I had my nightshift, woke up at 4 in the afternoon, hit the gym, stopped at her place and stayed there if I didn't have nightshift. The days before I was able to play computer with my friends, do my routine (gym, coffee, walk around, do nothing,..) but now?

I think this is more an issue that I am slowly realising marriage and living together isn't for me but I kind of screwed this up cause we are bought a house (debt) and commited to marriage.

I do love her. I just think I'd love her more if we wouldn't be so close every day and I wouldn't have to kind of live her life in our place. I liked my slow pace casual life. Now it all feels so heavy, stressful... and I don't even have kids (lol). I think if we'd have kids it wouldn't last long because I just don't have the drive for so much family things...

I feel really bad now, cause I feel like a husband that gave her wrong hope.

I could go on with this text, like missing the days when we just casually booked a flight to thailand, india, etc. and backpacked through the countries, but now it's all "organised" and thoughtthrough the year.

Now I can't even come home from nightshift and play computer without her waking up asking why I am playing and not sleeping. Because if I play, I won't wake up til 6 pm (which is late I know) and we can't do anything together. But I notice I don't need to do so much with her, basically not even her - with anyone. I am totally fine alone, slow paced doing my thing.

I'd even wake up, drive an hour to a new city and check out a restaurant and just sit there or walk around stores and read books, being totally unproductive.

Right now I am writing this in my bed, pretending I am still sleeping cause if I go down stairs I am afraid of the next "to-do list" for tomorrow. I know I have to get something somewhere, I know I have to help prepare something for tomorrow, even though I just want my peace. I wish my wife would just not care about christmas and chill and just watch netflix all day and I'd sit down with her after gym and chill before work.

I dunno.. I dunno if this is a casual conversation.

Tomorrow, I will have to go the "toilet" every 15 minutes and tell everyone I have a urinary tract infection just to find my peace for 5 minutes of all the interaction with all these people.

They will question it again after my third toilet drive by. But in reality I am just drained and want my peace, I want to go to the gym, stare at a wall, die. Okay that was too much, but really, I'd like to just be dead for the next 3-4 days then living through this.

I really can think of 50 other things off the bat what I'd rather do than sit at that table and listen to so many problems (sometimes good things) at once. Don't get me wrong, I like them all. But not at once. And not before my nightshift.

Why am I such a horrible person? Why can't I just love this?

But I have this problem with almost anything. Its birthdays, its events, its basically everything. I hate attending weddings (even my friends weddings), it's all so stressful to me.

A good friend of mine is marrying next year. I am so happy for him, but he invited us to a lodge for a weekend. A whole weekend... I dunno man, I love him, but why can't I just stay at home or somewhere else?

I don't even think I am in introvert... like I love traveling and talking with others, but I just have a limit where I think it's just too much and I don't need it. I like partying on Koh Phi Phi for 2 days but after that I don't need anyone for the next 2 weeks. Just an example. In the gym I have a few people we talk but then it's like: "ye ye but I gotta workout now" and they all seem to be like me. Im not a total "loner" and someone who trys to avoid people and only plays computer or reads books.

But if it's one thing I really miss about my "previous" life without my wife, is just being able to play computer all day and giving 0 fs about anyone with my friends. We'd play 23rd Dec to 31st and then party hard a night and thats it. No stress, no shopping, no tree, no presents, no exhausting chats, nothing,... we'd sit in discord and have hours of not talking with other and someone saying: "Yall still alive" and we responding: "Ye" and then playing Battlefield or Starcraft

I dunno... totally confused.