askchapo

she slept with bartender during that time, but I can forgive, we weren't together

Huh? There's nothing to forgive here, you two were not in a relationship and this sounds ~~parasocial~~ co-dependent. I recommend seeking therapy focusing on DBT if you want to manage what you consider are intrusive thoughts (disclaimer not a mental health professional). Also, if you two are talking about marriage then you should have a conversation about relationship boundaries before anything else.

Also recommend spending less time on the phone together and more time on dates. Phone calls are not a substitute for spending time IRL with other people.

Without more information, this doesn't sound healthy for you. Sounds like addiction or codependence. If you're in treatment for some mental health issue like that, get yourself sorted first. 8 hours a night on the phone fantasizing can't be healthy or productive. Discuss this with a professional.

• 8 hours sleep

• 8 hours occupational activity

• 8 hours on the phone with Favorite Person

(Seriously, even with some of my closest lifetime friends, when the phone call lasts 45 minutes, I start to get irritated)

Have you established that you're only interested in a monogamous relationship? Literally saying those words before committing to anything is what i did with my wife.

If you and her haven't officially talked about your relationship you have no say over who eats her out (strange fixation but I'm not a doctor)

I will say if she was, absurdly but hypothetically, receiving oral sex while talking to you on the phone that would be fucked up but not because it'd be "cheating"

You can't control what others do. You can prepare yourself mentally for what you would do if you found out about something but it sounds like you'd like to be aware of what she's doing at all times which, if I'm not being presumptuous, is not a good thing.

Life advice is one thing but paranoia and intrusive thoughts are another, especially during recovery. This is something you should talk to a mental health professional about, maybe a counselor at your clinic if there is one, or maybe they can help you get connected?

But unqualified strangers on the internet are just as likely to make harmful comments as give helpful advice for something like this, so please take what you read here with a grain of salt and prioritize your mental wellbeing.

Sending you my love and support

Talk to her about it. Being vulnerable is a prerequisite to a healthy relationship. Tell her that you're feeling this way (maybe leave the vulgar details out), that you recognize the feeling is unhealthy and unwarranted, and that you think talking about it will help. Make it clear that this is something that you are feeling as a result of your own insecurity, not something that is reflective of her behavior. If there's anything you want her to do differently then you can kindly request that she make a change, but if there's nothing she needs to do differently you should tell her that. What you probably want is some support and validation, and if you get it, you should respond in-kind by also reassuring her and making clear your feelings toward her.

Make it a positive conversation about your relationship and your feelings for one another. She might even have similar insecurities, or have something she's paranoid about that you can address together. This isn't a "real" problem, as in there's no material basis, and so it should be resolvable purely through good communication. If you're in treatment right now then you should lean on that. There's a lot that comes up emotionally in treatment, and getting past this is going to help you focus.

That's the place to start. She will likely appreciate the honesty and the vulnerability, especially if you're clear that you're not accusing her of anything. If this really is a non-issue, being open about it has a good chance of resolving it.