If someone misgendered me, I would be really sad for days, it would absolutely crush me. I would struggle to look in the mirror because I would just be caught up in how different the people on TV looked than me, how "manly" my face was. I could prove it scientifically - my jawline was wide, my shoulders were wide, I have a prominent brow ridge... I could go on but I think a lot of us have these lists in our head of reasons why we're not "good enough" to be our identified gender.

One day I was in a room with two cis women who confided to me that they too get misgendered and accused of being trans semi-regularly. I was so shocked that such a thing could happen, but the narrative that I was a "fake" woman because I "didn't pass" and that "passing" is what makes you a woman shattered entirely at that moment for me. I would never doubt these ladies' gender even if they don't "pass," so why should I doubt my own?

If I had to guess at the core of the conflict here, its that people who fall into the narrow set of western beauty standards have the privilege of never having their gender questioned, and that anyone outside of that, cis or trans, has to "prove" their gender. Personally, I think that a lot of trans people see a huge gap between themselves and cis people, but I'm starting to think that that gap is smaller than we think. For every issue that we as transwomen have, there are many many cis women who can relate to it.

It's weird talking to my mom about HRT, which she's now on, but it's a new point that we have in common. It sounds like many cis women also know the pain of being misgendered and discriminated against for "looking trans" as well. The whole plastic surgery industry exists due to beauty standards and its not just trans women who get FFS.

Cis people of our target gender are not above us and many of them experience similar pains to us. I guess what I'm trying to say is that patriarchy affects all who identify as women, who are perceived as women, or who are perceived as trying to be women, and rejects our womanhood entirely if we don't fit into the narrow box it provides for us. Society loves to make us the butt of jokes, to make a caricature of us to try to reinforce power structures and force us into an "other" category, or back into the closet, by preying on our insecurities.

Some days its easier than others to be proud of my body, as it is, despite my hangups with it. Some days its harder. I am lucky to have people in my life to tell me I am beautiful on those days and I've learned not to obsess in the mirror because my perception of my body is just a bit unstable. I don't think I'm ready to start making a ton of cis women friends but maybe I won't be so closed off to them anymore if they seem chill.

And as to the specifics of my face, well... it turns out that loads of other women have brow ridges, they just don't appear as often on TV, or they are not white. Am I mad because there is something fundamentally wrong with calling myself a woman while still having "male" parts, or should the definition of who gets to be a women and not have their gender questioned be expanded?

I guess what I'm trying to say is that trans women are women, and this is what I think that means. I think we need to tear down the walls that keep us in an "other" category and that starts with examining ourselves and our attitudes towards our own bodies critically. I think that learning to look at myself and see all the features that I thought of as "male" or "tells" as female - not just because it's trivial to find a cis woman with wide shoulders or a prominent jaw line or who is taller than me to prove to myself I am not alone, but because I am female - is the first step of that and its an important one.

I feel like I should give a caveat here that I've not experienced blatant obvious discrimination for being trans, perhaps because of where I live, or because I am white, or because I have some passing privilege (or so I am told). I don't begrudge anyone for any alterations they make to their body to help reduce dysphoria or just to be and look how they want to be or look so don't take this as prescriptive.

But for me, I think I'd rather not try to further fit myself into that tiny category of western beauty standards. Maybe its naive of me, but I hope I can learn to appreciate those "un-ideal" parts of myself.

So what’s the next cope? Maybe I should gain some weight? Weight cycle. Get even better at makeup.
Maybe just a bit more laser.
Surely I just have to keep moving and eventually it will all fall into place /s

This all feels like it’s inevitably leading to the point where I’ve done everything, tried everything and I’m still just as much of a freak as I was before.
And then I know the only thing there will be left to do.