If you care about looking cool in front of people tell them you listen to drum n bass when they ask for your music preferences instead of just saying video game OSTs. If they ask for any recommendations look something up so you don't default to saying Bomberman or ridge racer, not talking from experience everyone knows I'm a dweeb anyway

nsfw genital dysphoria

god I fucking hate having a dick. I naturally have a pretty darn high sex drive but every time getting off just feels so unsatisfying and disappointing cause I hate what I have, no matter what I do. I can't wait for SRS, but that's years away at the minimum and maybe never if worse case scenario. the wave of dysphoria and disgust is really getting to me, I know I'm not just going to stop masturbating for the next several years or anything like that so I've got to deal with the discomfort and dysphoria and never actually being satisfied. Shit suuuuuuuuuuckkkkkks

robot rock is a rare daft punk L tbh. release the beast is just a better song

Riff concept for the next song I'm writing

I was heavily influenced by classic prog (like Dream Theater and Fates Warning) when I wrote this one.

I like how the story started to play out in Adventure 2 but gameplay wise I feel it started to enter the era of "do all these cool tricks as we intended to get a perfect score" compared to adventure 1 which was just about speed. Like your score is still heavily tied to your speed but each little section if you break it down is just tight action sequences you have to nail in between the next action sequence... I miss the free form style of Adventure 1 so much

late night posting

Can't fall asleep for anything right now. Took a nap too late I guess. Also brain is just looping through all the bad thoughts. I remember someone describing to me or reading about how your brain focuses on a problem until a solution is found, and when it can't it just kinda fucks you like this. Anyway that's what's happening, that's what's been happening.

Hopefully tomorrow I can disassocite again and forget about how much I hate this and how horrible everything is and how I'll never be happy and how I'm ruined. But I'm actually pretty cooked on not being able to sleep.

Smoking

What kind of cigs does transbear smoke? I'm one of those freaks that gets a different pack every time B) Also, tell me why Marlboro reds rock, but the greens are the worst menthols of all time... 🤔

Thinking of getting back into Dead State. It's a spiritual sequel to Fallout 1 and 2 (and Tactics now that I have recently replayed that). It's a turn based squad RPG set in a zombie apocalypse. It's one of the few games that I feel properly balances combat against humans versus combat against zombies, exploring and looting, while managing a base, with speech checks and dialogue.

I finished it a few years ago but I messed up and caused some people to die and didn't get the best ending with a couple of others. I also picked a kind of boring ending where the surviving military helps you evacuate, in exchange for your character being drafted as a commander of their forces.

What I really like is you have to balance the personalities and factions in your base. You can't please everyone as different factions are diametrically opposed. But you can call in favors and persuade people to soften the blow. The other thing is you also manage your individual relationship with other survivors, but without any spoilers some survivors secretly (or openly) are real pieces of shit, so you're better off antagonizing them and bringing them into line (even killing or exiling them), instead of placating or appeasing them, because if you do the later messed up stuff can happen between them and other survivors. Likewise other survivors who seem like dicks or useless really come out of their shells and become real team players.

The combat is basically like Fallout 2. You have action points, 2 weapon slots, you balance attacking versus moving etc. You can customize your own character to be good at melee, range or a mix of the two (my favorite as there's some neat synergies that can make you a real jack of all trades MVP in a fight, but that's balanced against not being the worlds best sniper or melee fighter).

You also go from being like Season 1 walking dead helpless survivors to unstoppable killers in customized body armour and weapons, clearing rooms with homebrewed nerve gas.

spoiler

Still upset. Was talking with someone about diy and like- even if it is actually none of my families business they'll still probably at very least be hurt if they find out that way. They might feel like I was "going behind their back" or being "underhanded" (seriously we have to start cissies). And like, they're right, that is how they'll feel. I don't really have any hope of moving out in the next year either. Obviously I could start, wait a few months, and then come out and tell them what I am doing but idk. I hate it. I don't want to come out. They won't see me as my gender, its going to be so awkward, genuinely just horrible. Its not even just me at the house either. Cried. idk what to do.

spoiler major bad idea/cognitohazard So chat gippity released a new model semi recently with image gen- I don't understand the technical details well enough to explain them here but it sounds really neat. Anyway I obviously told it to feminize me and change a few things (just hair and glasses) and holy fuck I'd be so happy if I looked like that. Its not realistic, at very least it shrank my nose, but damn. What could have been...

dysphoria, I brief si

instead of looking like that- like a woman- I look disgusting. Actually revolting. I literally have to figure/get my shit together regarding a couple self care things because that picture (the original) makes me want to kms. Imagine other people seeing me like that, imagine asking to be called a woman looking like that.

But I have been feeling less depressed lately, still just this type of stuff...