Asklemmy

Your proposal seems fair to me.

My wife and I lived together for a bit back when we were dating. We did some math:

Combined rent + $savings = my old rent + her old rent

Then we split the combined rent roughly 1/3 - 2/3 (my salary was higher than hers at the time) so that we were both paying less than we had been before.

We split utilities 50/50 which was kind of a mistake IMO -- I regret the accounting chore that it created. One of us would pay the rent by hand (USA, so paper check to the landlord), but utilities were on auto-pay from my account. We'd have to tally up utilities and add it or subtract it to the rent in order to reimburse the other person when they paid the rent.

Instead of that nonsense, I'd suggest estimating your utilities and split that figure 50/50 - then maybe look at it again once a year in case costs change.

if she helps pay the mortgage or renovations or anything that increases the value of the house she gets to own part of the house otherwise its completely unfair, split utilities according to income and thats it.

Probably best to let her dictate the price though since there is such an imbalance of power at play

My advice is not financial but rather about relationships:

• Money and finances are one of the top things couples fight about.
• Psychologists have observed that couples have the same disagreements (or fights) over the long term course of a relationship, and these can be used as touchpoints to assess the couple's emotional maturity and overall relationship health.
• So, whatever financial arrangement you agree upon, commit to it in a way that actively reinforces the importance of the relationship, fosters open communication, and strengthens your bond with one another.

Stumbled into c/relationshipmath over here

This varies by person, and he best person to talk about this is your girlfriend.

With that said, I'd do half what she paid in rent for mortgage (of half the mortgage payment, whichever is smaller), and all other expenses split down the middle. She would pay rent if she lived elsewhere, the way I see it, her contributing to the mortgage is a deeply discounted rent.

This might not work for you, you need to talk. Me and my now husband when we first started setup a joint account, and each sent half of an agreed amount there every month, or as needed. We didn't make similar incomes, it fluctuated back and forth through the years for both of us. Some people would think it was unfair for us to pay the same. It worked for us, and both of us were happy with the arranjement, it might not be the best option for you.

Holy shit. I'm worried about everyone suggesting she pay no rent.

As others have said, there is no right answer but here are my thoughts based on my experience.

Mortgage

The apartment is under your name so I would expect you to pay the mortgage.

One thing you could do is that your girlfriend puts a share of the mortgage cost into a savings account under her name. It could be the equivalent of what she's paying now for her rent of the equivalent of your mortgage minus 30%.

This way if you stay together and decide to buy a new home you can both contribute to it with a nice down payment and if you split up you both get your marbles back.

It also levels your salaries and you are contributing equally to the housing cost so there is no resentment being built on your side.

Utilities and groceries

What I did with my girlfriend (now wife) is that we were doing a pro rata monthly contribution to a bank account that was used for everyday life. In your case you are earning 30% more then you can contribute 30% more to this account. Then everything like electricity, groceries, restaurants together ... Was deducted from this account.

It's quite easy to get a free bank account with two cards so we used that (we used N26 at the time but there are plenty of options, the bank account was technically a single person account with two cards but it did not really matter since we were not keeping a lot of money in it). We started by keeping track of all our expenses on an app like Tricount and regularly balancing our contribution, it's easy to set up but it requires to keep track of all our expenses and was quite annoying to do on the long term.

It’s up to both of you. Don’t rely on social norms because it almost always leads to disagreement or when something changes someone feels it’s unfair.

Sit down together and decide what’s fair for your current situation and revisit it every time you adjust the budget. That can be as often as every week or month. Don’t lock yourselves into 1 agreement for ever. Expect it to be fluid and change as your financial situation changes.

As long as you’re both happy with it, it’s fair.

My partner and I split all costs based on what we are able to commit to (roughly proportional to income)

You should split groceries/electricity and all that 50/50. The house is yours so she should not pay for it unless you actually both agree she should pay a monthly rent to live in your house. That to me would be correct. I am in a different situation as you as I bought the house with my wife and even tho I spent more because I had more money available I did not ask her extra money. Also keep in mind that wife is different than girlfriend. So since wife>girlfriend I honestly thing you should get to an agreement with your girlfirend and she should actually pay something for the rent and it should not be all on you.

If you're keeping the apartment only in your name I think it's fair only you pay the mortgage, she can pay half of everything else that she does benefit from/has to pay for in her current living situation anyways

Either way this is something you need to talk about with her and see what both of you are comfortable with. Se might not agree to whatever some stranger on lemmy thinks

I personally would feel weird collecting rent money from my girlfriend that provides me equity. Did you ask her what she thinks?

I agree it wouldn't be right for her to pay off your mortgage. But I think either 50/50 or proportionate to income (i.e. 1.3/1) splitting of bills, groceries, and other costs incurred by the both of you, is reasonable. But you're in relationship, not a contract, so do discuss this with her and see what the both of you would prefer.

Like others have said, one option is to have a chat with her.

Another option could be coming up with a percentage that fits your 30% increase in earnings:

Assuming you start with a 50/50 split, we can add a 30% increase to your share:

0.5 * (1 + 0.3) = 0.65

This 30% increase leads to a 65/35 ratio, where you would be paying 65%, and she 35%.

This sounds like a conversation to have with her, not strangers on the Internet

There are a million possibilities and no single right answer. Strangers on the internet are not going to be able to tell you. Strangers on the internet certainly don't know the dynamic between the two of you.

Write down the possibilities (you've mentioned some in your post). Think of what seems fair to you. Show her the possibilities and talk about it and agree something.

My wife came from a family that considered it the man's duty to pay for everything and that women have to protect themselves from exploitation by guarding their own money. Conversations about sharing expenses were very unwelcome and showing love meant spending a lot on luxury gifts. She used to earn a third of what i did and had more disposable income than me since bills left me with little disposable. You could end up with 2 people at different levels of affluence in the same house if you are very defensive and financially isolationist. It's taken a long time to change that to a collaboration to work through life together with shared resources.

The most "scientific" way in a full commitment would be to put an equal % of both salaries into a "bills" account, then put how much you both want to save into a savings account and then divide the leftover disposable equally between yourselves.

Or if you're too early to be fully committed then you can start with continuing to pay for everything or ask her for a flat amount contribution.

Just know that money is one of the biggest sources of friction on a relationship and most people at not on the same page. It takes work and talking to get to the same page (that means talking to her.... Not us).

Not a financial advisor so take my answer with a massive chunk of salt.

My suggestion would be to get a joint account. If you are comfortable paying all the bills you can also have it overdraft to your account in case of emergencies. The move money into it monthly for bills. I would round up on your bills so you could build a little nest egg at the same time. You move everything that you have been paying into it. And ask her to move what she can into it. If she feels comfortable paying 50%, then do that. If things go sideways, split any extra money by the percentage she is paying. Then if things do go sideways then you can take your piece and have a nice vacation. If they don’t, you have nice rainy day fund.

I am not sure the way Amsterdam law sees it but in a lot of countries if shes paying some of the mortgage and she lives there for a certain length of time she becomes part owner of said condo. Best to get legal advice as if you break up you may be forced to sell and split part of the sale.

When my wife (at the time girlfriend) moved in, we split the interest portion of the mortgage payment 50/50. Principle was 100% me. Utilities food and supplies were evenly split. Every bolted down upgrade I paid for 100%, but we decided to split paint since it mattered more to her.

The idea was if she bolted, I would mostly be left with what I paid for. If we got married (we did), we’d combine finances and it wouldn’t matter anyway.

Take the total of what both of you earn, see what % each one contributes to that, and replicate this on rent

My husband and I split things by % of income. First, we made a list of all household bills that we both benefit from - this includes everything from the mortgage to Netflix. Everything. We put it on a shared spreadsheet in Google Drive so we can both access it and update it. The sheet includes the bill description, the amount of it, the due date, and the frequency (weekly, monthly, annually), with another column to deduce the monthly cost of all bills based on frequency.

Next up we made a section for income, and totaled out what we each take home every month. This is AFTER taxes and insurance, what actually lands in the bank accounts. Then we take the total of all the bills and figure out what % it is of our total combined income. For instance if the combined income is 5000/mo and the total for all bills is 3500, then it's 70%. Lastly, we then have a spot that determines what 70% of each of our monthly incomes are. So let's say you bring home 3500 and she brings 1500 - in this scenario you would pay 70% of 3500, or 2450 monthly, and she would pay 1050. If you get paid twice in a month, divide that by 2 and you know what you each should contribute per pay period.

If you setup the sheet with proper formulas, you can just update the bills as needed, and change the income as needed, and it will update contributions automatically. This is the simplest version, but you can also include savings and stuff if you want as well. We opened a joint checking account separate from our main ones when we moved in together, and we transfer the money to it for bills each time we're paid, and all bills come out of that account. Our personal accounts are kept separate and private, because anything left after bills and savings is our own money to spend or save however we like.

Personally I think this is the most equitable way of doing things. We ensure that all bills are paid and that we both have a bit of spending money. We've been together for 20 years, and have kept this system for most of it!

Utilities 50/50. Look at what renting a similar place costs, and halve of that.

If I were you I'd split just the bills and groceries.
If you'd break up someday (God forbid), the property is still gonna be yours, so there is no point in making her pay any kind of rent.

I've had shared finances with my partner since we moved in together. It's worked well for us because she's really good with money. Probably not for everyone though. Basically we make sure everything is paid and put whatever is left in a joint account.

I would suggest not charging her to live there, as you own the place; that might feel excessively transactional. Perhaps what would be most reasonable is to split bills proportionally after you've paid your mortgage. If, for example, your mortgage alone was 2000 Euro, you earned 6000 Euro a month, and she earned 4700 Euro a month, you would say that your income was 4000 Euro to her 4700 Euro, and that the split should be about 46% (your share) to 54% (her share).

What we did is we added up all expenses. I was making 2x what my SO did. They wanted everything 50/50. I insisted by pay. We ended up meeting half way. Inplay 3/5the of the bill they do 2/5ths.

A relationship is built on trust. You are not room mates. Invite her to move in with no expectations, and let her decide how she wants to contribute.

I’d see someplace close to 50-50. Maybe you cover a little bit more because you’ll get some of the money back when she moves out.Maybe I should say if she moves out.

No matter how you do it put it in writing. Let me state that again , put it in writing. And yes, I know there are certain people who not listening or not paying attention so I’m gonna say it a third time: put it in writing.

Do not assume anything do not use verbal agreements. You will get screwed. It’s not a matter of if it’s when. You will get screwed. write everything down. Who covers what who owes what how the bills are going to be split.

Edit: and just to make a slight addition here. When I say everything I mean everything. Including how long she gets to live there for. under what circumstances and what conditions. Who owns the apartment. Everything. I don’t know about where you live, but here once a person lives in a certain place a certain period of time they are called a the resident. trying to kick them out even if you own the place is a pain in the ass. So write everything down no exceptions.

Without knowing how serious your relationship is, it's hard to say.

I would advise not doing this if the main reason is to save money, especially with one person being the sole owner. The power dynamic is too unbalanced.

But if you're both pretty sure this is a long-term, perhaps lifelong, relationship, then no one here can give you the correct answer. Set aside some time, sit down with your partner, discuss things from both a practical and emotional perspective, do this again in another week or two, and find an arrangement you both feel good about.

I had my home before I met my ex and my current gf. Like you, I was used to paying for everything, but contributing makes people feel like they're an active part of the whole home situation, so my thought was always:

1. They get the groceries. They will have different tastes than me, and it's the only bill that really doubled as soon as someone else was here every day.

2. They are the main provider of outside the house activities. Going out to eat. Buying gifts to bring to parties. A bigger chunk of vacation budgets. I've already got the home expenses covered. I got to pick the home, so they get to pick the outside of home experience for our life together. It splits up the choices instead of just the money.

Both people were making significantly less than me when but relationships started, though but eventually evened out. This split of things also let them ramp spending up or down with how well our overall financial picture was at the time without any worries of actual bills being paid.

Also as I said, I already had picked the home itself solely on my own along with all the furnishings, so letting them spearhead the non-permanent aspects let them feel they contributed an even amount to the relationship and let them put forward their personalities in unique ways. Both people are very different in who they are, and both really enjoyed the way things were split up, so it seems I struck on something.

Find a local comp for renting a room. Half that.

Let her decide if she wants to contribute more.