someone help me understand why people give a shit about the met gala. it's a party i'm not invited to, why should i care?

God's Sleepiest Princess has transformed into God's Most Caffeinated Queen.

mmmmm

long hair feel nice :)

Weekly depression/anxiety post/cry for help incoming: (possible CW: stomach problems)

Im still in the closet and living at home. I went to peer counseling one day last week and couldnt open up as much as I could when I went in October (I was more optimistic in October and now im completely hopeless, the place temporarily closed the week after and I could only do phonecalls between the two times). They recommended a few therapists I still havent called. Im in a near constant state of panic. I used to be able to chalk up my inability to go through with transitioning to my extreme anxiety, a male sexuality (when i imagine emotional “making love” sex im a female that gets held but then i get a boner and it all goes male) and concerns about wiping due to IBS and hemorrhoids. I wasnt happy but I was accepting. Then I Saw the TV Glow came out and idk im also a failed filmmaker and not only was the movie about my life, it also completely nailed the mood/setting/atmosphere of movies I wanted to make (my movies were silly genre fare tho). My friends even noticed how eerily similar it was and even in trailers it looked that way. I saw it in theaters five times. I uber for work and thats all Ive been doing for work for seven years. My parents are Liberals who would have hot n cold acceptance of me that ultimately went cold when I was younger and more able to tackle all this. My mom has apologized since (and my dad indicated he may be closeted himself which makes it way worse actually) but idk they did things like when I failed two classes freshman year of college they had an intervention telling me theyd be accepting (I wasnt ready I was a virgin and unfortunately didnt realize im trans until I was 14 and the only stereotype of trans people available in the late 2000s/early 2010s was “knew since I was 5”) but the next year I was ready and they threatened to kick me out. They would also always tell me I was doing it wrong and that people who transitioned in their 60s/70s were doing it right. It took Caitlyn Jenner media blitz for them to get accepting. I need to move out and estrange myself, Ive been open about this and theyre supportive/graceful about it. (Honestly it may be differing political views that motivates my decision a lot more, it feels like they never took my autism/anxiety seriously either and I just dont fit in with my family). Ive tried to apply to the post office but I sent in one application a few months ago and didnt notice a further quiz/assessment they sent me. Ive sent in another application but Im worried that not doing the second quiz/assessment blacklisted me. If I really lock in I can make $1050-1300 ubering 40ish hours a week. Theres always the constant risk of car accidents though. I dont know how I should go about getting my own place.

Lately theres so many horror posts I see about new ways they find to fuck with us and Im in a constant state of panic. I just dont know what to do. People acted like the sky was falling during first Trump admin and that genocide was at our door any second. It scared me last time even though if I genuinely just tuned it out/pretended it didnt exist I wouldve been ok. It doesnt seem like thats the case this time. Im still 100% pre everything and I honestly need a much more robust irl support network. I just dont know what to do. Should I just stay in the closet even though Im really sad because its too dangerous? And if I do, how do I cope? What drugs should I take to tune it out? Im always sleepy so I need stims (been taking Adderall nearly every day for the past few years by buying it off a friend) I also really dont want to live as long as normal life expectancy probably even with transition. Im almost 34 now. Tbh 40 sounds like enough life.

Just finished changing my driver’s license. With little fanfare and much relief, all the state documents that I can change are done.

We’ll see if my passport actually gets processed, and my state doesn’t allow sex marker changes, but that’s a fight for another day. So happy to have finally earned the F on all my documents.

Death to Amerikkka and all its vassals.

I was told Three Houses was a wonderfully queer game but there's only like 3 M/M options and none of them really appeal to me

purposefully putting the Greek Yoghurt lid on a Turkish Yoghurt jar. If an international incident happens you know who to blame.

music ~~monday~~ ~~tuesday~~ wednesday

what are you listening to? tell me or face my wrath

I keep putting off buying clothes cause I have no idea what will work with my body type. I'm terrified of, once again, buying stuff that don't look good on me and just wasting a ton of money.

And with that, I can feel my PMS on the horizon, which it is. This one isn't going to be fun :\