The room was stale and sodden It's 85 in Autumn I thought it was hot in here But it's hot outside And I thought about my problems Everybody wants to solve them But problems are problems And these problems are mine

Then I think about time... I have time, right? Right? Right?

Ben crossed the street just a little too late So he's gone and I accept that it's fate It's just fate, what's so great about fate? Don't get me started on fate.

I saw Ben In a dream last night I asked about heaven and he said "Heaven's alright." Of course it is man You're still sharp as a knife! I asked about heaven And he said "Heaven's just fine." That's the tyranny, That's the identity Of time as a body fifteen feet in the air All that concrete Versus timing What about destiny and Hollywood endings?

I'm not smashing any mirrors I'm not walking under ladders I'm not opening umbrellas I'm not sparking with white lighters It's just every time we try to meet Liz was far away from me In essence or by space It took Ben It took death It took time Yeah it took time.

I exhale my smoke towards the rotating fan Liz wakes from her dream and she squeezes my hand She says "Good morning."

Good morning! You look so precious just dreaming of me! She blinks and laughs me off... She says "Boy if you knew I wasn't dreaming of you... You are dreaming of me. Still right now you imagine me say These words right back at yourself." Then I woke myself shaking from deja vu. I saw Ben I saw Her I've got Luck I've got Fate I've got Time...

He was a naturally really smart kid with a bad home life and a little brother that was a lil shit and got into a lot of trouble but as we got into highschool age, he became a real misfit punk dude and we caught up on our early/mid 20s but I worry about him and hope he's well, he was a good dude despite all the angsty crusty greasy hardcore scene bullshit. Last I saw him, he was going steady with a mutual friend gf living together, but it was kinda a mess and their roommate that was also a childhood friend turned out to be a real POS and did some real irredeemable shit to them and I hope Ben (and Maddie) are well

He was smart enough to make a lot of trouble for himself in creative ways but not smart enough to avoid trouble altogether, and those are the kinds of people I really worry about when we lose contact for years

God I hope he (and Maddie) are doing well

When it comes to depression, there are some things you can do on your own without meds or therapy (I would still recommend both). Part of dealing with depression is dealing with the way it tells you nothing will work and to give up and to not keep trying, it can be a very insidious enemy. Anyway, do what you can to keep eating regular meals at regular times, stay hydrated, keep a regular sleep schedule with enough hours of sleep and do what you can to go to sleep on time and wake up at the same time every day, keep doing those things you love like Lego, go outside and walk in green spaces for like 30 minutes every day, keep reaching out to trusted friends do what you can to keep yourself continuing to reaching out. Some or most of these may sound impossible, some or most may sound like they won't help - they might not take you all the way but they can help and part of why it seems like it might not or isn't working fast enough to keep it up is depression telling you it won't. You should still seek a psychiatrist and/or a therapist to really help out but these are some things you can start right now. There's a lot on that list, if it seems overwhelming start with one (I recommend keeping a regular sleep schedule or keeping fed at regular times or if you're particularly ambitious getting 30 minutes a day in a green park or out doors). Then keep adding when you can.

For you, you have made some very good active steps in your life. You're looking into diy or actually ordered some. I think you mentioned being out to a friend or friend(s). You're planning for the future when you can be away from your parents. These are all good things. You can make progress. Just stay alive, things will get better.