Angry at self wanting to be perfect and a teetotaler

Angry that I also feel completely justified when I disappoint myself because I never felt good enough for my dad and he's the reason I became an alcoholic in the first place, and now dealing with him is what causes me to relapse

Meemaw cat gets mini seizures and flops over like she got a leg cramp and a really bad itch and will fall out of a chair when that happens

Spent all evening at the gym, go check on parents tired and burned out (failed my leg press sets, didn't have enough in the tank to stick to my rowing schedule either)

She has one of her mini seizures, flops out of her chair into his lap, claws his leg accidentally (it's a completely unintentional thing, she's done it to me and would never hurt me and she's 16 and I've had her and her sister ((RIP)) since she was a kitten)

He's drunk as always and says some nasty shit about her (she's an absolute angel and he's a disgusting decrepit braindead miserable piece of shit)

Immediately start wishing he'd just fucking die already, wish my mom divorced him before I was born, wish I'd never had to know him, etc

Take care of their dishes, laundry, scoop her box, take out the trash, clean her bowls, fill them and get her fresh water, put away their dinner leftovers they left out (I feel taken advantage of, they're not that incapable)

Leave and go buy a box of wine and a flask size plastic bottle of bottom shelf vodka (my shifting sobriety self rule was "no spirits")

Walk to gym because it's the only other place I go, do ab and back stuff I skipped

Pick up trash on side of road, pick flowers from bougie gated community's front gate for my windowsill

Listen to podcasts

Angry at everything

Gonna go walk home drunk and stop to stare at a fountain while I listen to angsty music

Maybe tomorrow I can be happier with myself but for tonight I'm fucking livid at everything and exhausted and feel pathetic and am so fucking mad at my shitty parents

The kindest self dialogue I've been able to muster lately keeps coming back to "well no wonder you suck, look at how and by whom you were raised"

Thanks brain

The grape flavor sucks

Telling myself "I'll stop drinking and smoking again after New Year's"

Neglected my upper body shit and just did cardio today but honestly had my best session ever??? Hit 1111 kcals burned on incline treadmill in one sesh and was going for more than an hour without a break

Did good on household chore stuff and the kitties were pretty good today

Feeling weird about myself tbh

Like, not even necessarily bad but odd, I've felt a bit more masc/butch than I usually do lately and I dunno what to make of that

Part of it is presenting kinda more androgynous and spending a lot of time in proximity to gym bros and not wanting to stand out too bad in an uncomfortable way and masking my gender shit and queerness

Part of it could be endocrinology shit from exercising a ton and my levels might be out of whack in a more masc skew

Libido's been higher than usual? Kind of an annoying chore tbh, I've kinda felt like I did fairly early into both of my puberties where it was like "goddamit, seriously again??"

Feel bad about looking at random ppl with some thirst, especially women and feel bad about feeling like my attractions and impulses are too male and feel bad for the women like in the abstract just from being attracted to them

Feel bad about weird smut shit I've looked at that was hot and then immediately off-putting after uh, interest wore of because off uhh, accomplishing the goal there

Have some weird feelings and thoughts about gender and sexuality and idk if I wanna get into them now but idk, feel weird

I neglected some self care grooming shit today just out of exhaustion and feel bad about it

I feel like I'm craving some feminine social interaction and femmy stuff for myself, I don't remember the last time I wore makeup or dressed up or did a manicure and I feel like I'm neglecting part of myself and feel kinda sad about it

Generally lonely and weird feeling

Idk, but I'm glad to be able to post here and interact with you lovely ppl

put a cable station chain on my coat epaulette and hit the Jotaro pose in the mirror alone

been thinking of what my stand would be lol

Joseph and Jolene are my favorites but I love Jotaro too

I like the idea of "Lavender Haze" (Vildhjarta, not Tswift, but the mashup is funny) as a combo of Hermit Purple and Stone Free

I like Crazy Diamond's healing ability too

IDK I'm on my gymrat shit and I'm gonna learn how to double jump irl and dunk a basketball and it'll be sick

It also sucks because I've wanted to make the family watch Tokyo Godfathers for years, but it was never accessible on their streaming apps. This year, it's on Amazon Prime but with the climate I think it would cause a fight with my dad (and maybe even mom) who would accuse it of "confusing/corrupting" children. It would be a good way to test the waters and gauge the family's reaction, but I don't want to get in a fight.

Also not looking forward to getting dragged to church (of the "non-denom" evangelical variety). Would be another reason to skedaddle early to at least cut down the number of that experience.