Ask Lemmy

I can completely relate. Additionally my specific standards also make it very bad.

I found out that I'm an Autist so for me it at least explains things but is also totally not helping to know.

Nevertheless I do not know for sure if all of this isn't totally normal, as in the regular human experience. The older you get the more difficult it is to find and hold friends.

I basically don't have any friends of my own anymore. The ones from high school I was never really close enough with to hang out outside school. We were just too different. Almost a decade and a half later and we see each other maybe once a year and don't talk outside of that.

College was supposed to be a place to meet new people, and I did meet a few, one of which is my current partner. But that also didn't last past college years, really.

I'm now in a different country, don't really speak the language well enough and don't really have energy or time to find new people. Plus, my introversion, social anxiety and health are only making it harder. My partner occasionally comments on me having no friends of my own, but then I look at his friend circle and want to roll my eyes. Most of his friends are from high school years, and he sees them maybe once or twice a year. There are a few he met through work, but it's easier for him because the field we work in is male-dominated. So for him it's okay, for me it sucks to be the only woman. But he doesn't hang out with any of these people on regular basis. Realistically, most people he knows are acquaintances.

I think about this whole situation frequently and it makes me depressed and bitter. I feel like even if I find new friends, I'll never be the friend, you know? They'll always have other people they've been friends with for longer and I will be either not as important or discarded later. It's been this way my whole life. Always easily forgotten and replaced.

Sometimes, a handful of friends is not just enough but the upper limit as well. And that's okay, right? If you have a partner and everything is okay, you will start your own small community regardless. 😅

You aren't doing anything wrong.

That's just how life is. Practically nobody makes friends as adults due to the structure of adult life.

As children you have tons of free time and no hangups or social status to maintain. As an adult you have zero free time, lots of hangups, and most adults are obsessed with social status.

Real friends are the ones that stick with you when shit hits the fan. When you're an adult and you meet new people, you usually want to show yourself from your best side and for everything to go well. She we were kids, shit hitting the fan was somebody kicking a ball into a neighbors window or falling of a bike, minor things as an adult, but as kids that built character. The stakes are so much higher as an adult when things go wrong, so generally you avoid it even though this means that most of your relationships are superficial.

I'm not saying that something horrible must happen in order to get friends as an adult. But sometimes it's better to simply work against the odds together to form a deeper connection.