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[CW: Mentions Suicide] How to get over regret about bottom surgery without killing myself? (programming.dev)

submitted 2 days ago* (last edited 1 day ago) by MarthaPuppyGirl@programming.dev to c/asktransgender@lemmy.blahaj.zone

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I had bottom surgery almost a year ago and I regret it so much. I didn't say anything up to now I kept getting told that feelings of doubt and uncertainty will get better as it heals, well it's healed for over a month and it hasn't gone away. It's gotten worse! I feel like I'm broken, like part of me is missing. I wish I didn't fucking do this shit. I miss my dick and balls so much.

Don't tell me that I don't regret it and that regret is rare. This isn't the first time I spoke up. I said this shit on Reddit and the dipshits who run r/trans banned me telling me that regret is rare and that I probably don't regret it, and that the chance of me being not trans is tiny. I explained to those dumb fucks that I 100% am trans, am a woman and that I miss my dick and balls and they got me suspended for 3 days and muted me.

I absolutely regret it and I absolutely am a woman. Some days (currently now) I think about killing myself because I know I'll never be whole again. I just want to get in my car and drive off a gate bridge, and that would be it.

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[–] MarthaPuppyGirl@programming.dev 6 points 2 days ago (1 children)

A lot of the discussions I had with mental health professionals were largely me telling then the things I thought would get me bottom surgery. I thought and was told that I needed bottom surgery to be valid. I was told many things, including that it was required for legal gender change, and that I could be assaulted by someone for having the wrong genitals.

I never actually felt any dysphoria about my penis or testicles, I was told that "numbness" is a form of dysphoria and that I would feel better once I was post-OP but it felt like the worst decision in my life. I was told that's normal and I would feel better as I heal but I didn't it just got worse.

I thought that getting bottom surgery would be as people said, that it would suck while I was healing but it would get better and I would feel more like a woman. I don't feel any more or less like a woman than before but I do feel disgusted and disgusting about what I have now, and I feel sad and miss having a dick and balls.

I hate those cis people you talk of, they are disgusting. They gave me so much fake support on Reddit and all of them told me that I feel bad because I'm a boy and just coping by pretending to be a girl. They refused to call me she/her pronouns saying I need to heal from the delusion. Fuck those people. I hate those people. I probably do need to see a therapist, I don't want to see the ones I was seeing before. They just told me to give it time and that I would adjust. That going through this is normal. Even when I came in one day with stitches in my hand because I broke my bedroom mirror out or disgust and sadness of seeing myself naked after the shower.

[–] PanGodofPanic@lemmy.blahaj.zone 14 points 2 days ago

Damn, I'm really sorry to hear that. I've rarely encountered trans circles openly push other trans people towards bottom surgery, it sounds like you got fucked on advice by a group who've never really encountered genital non-dysphoric trans people. I also completely forgot there's societies where it's required for a legal gender change recognition. The assault thing might actually be true in some capacity regardless, but that should never have been a reason to push you to make the decision. "Numbness" can be a presentation of dysphoria, but it's active and miserable, not passive and unnoticeable. People you talked to seem to have used those words to fit their own experiences but accidentally extrapolated them into yours.

I agree you need new therapists, and I suggest bringing a written document going over all the things you've brought up to us. Out of curiosity, what country/region are you from? It sounds like the therapists (and your social circles) are talking to you with a very outdated idea of what it means to be trans, one I see a lot out of certain regions like the southern US and eastern europe. One that's very "a boy needs boy parts and a girl needs girl parts" and struggling to see how some people won't fit that simple mold (which would explain why everyone keeps trying to tell you that you'll get over it).

Before I poof away back into internet anonymity, I wanna tell you there is hope. It's not easy, and the path to getting everything approved is difficult, but the same surgeons who do successful GRS for trans men can work with you to reconstruct your penis. Look into that, and give yourself something to keep living for.