AskTransgender

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A place to ask transgender people questions and get answers about the trans experience.

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How do you figure out your identity? (lemmy.world)

submitted 15 hours ago by JayJLeas@lemmy.world to c/asktransgender@lemmy.blahaj.zone

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I know I'm not cis, but that's about it. I'm AFAB, I would like to appear more masculine, I have dysphoria around my chest and genitals and would like them to be more masculine, but I want to present as a femboy or a twink, I don't want facial hair or curves and I want a deeper voice. I like the idea of people not knowing what gender I am when they look at me. But at the same time neither she/her not he/him feel right for me, and I'm happier when people use they/them. Part of me thinks I don't need a label, but at the same time I feel like I need a way do describe and identify myself. Can anyone help? I feel so confused.

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[–] dandelion@lemmy.blahaj.zone 5 points 14 hours ago* (last edited 13 hours ago)

I basically don't think there is any direct way to objectively know your gender identity.

To be honest I don't even have your level of awareness about what does or doesn't feel affirming to me, and my feelings are often self contradicting and unreliable. Sometimes I feel things clearly - like, I know I don't want body hair, or that I like curves generally. But it took me like 10+ years to figure out I like being curvy, but I don't like fat distributed in a male pattern - I thought I just hated being fat, but what I hated was having man-shaped fat.

Regarding pronouns, I was just used to what I had always been called and even now it can be jarring to be called by my "preferred" pronouns, so most of my life pronouns have just been a minefield with nothing feeling affirming or right. For me, they/them is the worst because it demands the most of other people and makes me feel the most awkward and puts the most attention on my gender, and it doesn't even feel affirming or "right". She/her is ideal, but I just feel like I don't deserve that ideal, and I definitely don't really think of myself as authentic or woman-enough to have she/her applied to me. So it can variably feel like affirmation or threat depending on whether I'm comfortable and passing vs insecure and unsure.