AskTransgender

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A place to ask transgender people questions and get answers about the trans experience.

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Advice for first date with a trans woman? (sopuli.xyz)

submitted 4 weeks ago by Gork@sopuli.xyz to c/asktransgender@lemmy.blahaj.zone

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Hi, I've got a date in a few days with a lovely trans woman whom I've not met before but chat online and talk with on the phone. I'd like to know if there are any faux paus in general that I should avoid.

I have reassured her that I unequivocally see her a woman, that I strongly support trans and LGBTQ rights.

For context I'm a bisexual cis man. She's pre-op but looking to get hormone replacement therapy. She doesn't seem to have dysmorphia about her nether bits, but does have dysmorphia from the negative social stigma. I didn't press too much about it as I didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable. I also shared some personal details to put her at ease about my identity so she knows I'm not just a creep.

She very much seems into me though, and is very open to talk sexually as well which I find as a good sign as it indicates very open communication.

Thanks for any advice!

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[–] dandelion@lemmy.blahaj.zone 6 points 4 weeks ago

I wonder what faux pas you had in mind or if there is are more specific questions you had. I'm happy to try to help answer questions you might have, but others have done a good job.

Mostly what comes to mind is the importance of good communication and not making assumptions. Trans women vary significantly in how they want to have sex or seen or treated.

I eventually came to understand trans women on estrogen have genuinely female genitals - without some effort they are not likely to function or be like male genitals. Likewise HRT does really change the biology, in ways that scientists are only now beginning to discover. Trans women on estrogen are much more "biologically female" than commonly believed. This point seems difficult for cis folks to understand, which is why I raised it.

Regarding faux pas, I don't know - it's generally as simple as recognizing and treating her as a woman. A bisexual cis man who was dating a trans girl friend of mine told me he hasn't had sex with a woman in years because he was in a poly relationship having sex with the trans woman friend of mine and with a transmasc enby (who I didn't know or meet). That was definitely a faux pas because he basically just let slip he doesn't see my friend as a woman...

In general I would say you shouldn't worry about rare mistakes if your heart is in the right place and you are sincere and making consistent effort to not mispronoun or misgender people. There is no need to be fragile or overly apologetic, trans people can be accustomed to being misgendered and mostly they want to know you saw you made a mistake and that it was a mistake, so they know it's not intentional and they are still safe.

Or at least that has been my experience.