I had notions of doing something more intellectual with this post but life is what it is and as such I have delayed my effortpost about The Indigenously Produced Unmagnified Gunsights of Cuba once again. I’m going to talk about music again this time.
Oceanlab was a side project of Above & Beyond and vocalist Justine Suissa, who was also the primary songwriter. Sirens of the Sea was their sole album and it is very, very important to me.
Ok so it’s EDM okay? To be precise it’s some particular style of vocal trance but its singer-songwriter vocal trance. Above & Beyond does this really cool thing where they tend to actually collaborate with their vocalists by getting them involved with the creative process, writing lyrics, production and all that. Now, the lyrics aren’t particularly complex and they won’t impress any pretentious nerds but they resonate with me and that's what it's about yeah? Oh yeah and they do acoustic versions sometimes???? which is wild??
I was lucky enough to discover this group twice, the first time was on some lonely night when I was a teen. I came across Clear Blue Water (a single) on Grooveshark (rip), checked out the rest of their discography, thought it was pretty, and proceeded to forget about it for a decade and a half.
I am almost embarrassed to admit just how much Sirens of the Sea affected me when I rediscovered it in the autumn of ‘23. It was like a hug, a cup of coffee, and a sit-down with the Jungian archetype of the kind of woman I admired the most and wanted so dearly to become. The kind of woman who carried empathy, knew failure, was capable of struggle, yet always embraced the love and joy of life. I can’t really articulate how, but this album helped me lay down my grieving for the years I spent otherwise.
My favorite track is “On a Good Day”, and I consider it to be the theme song of my post-transition life. I just cried listening to it, like actually right now, as I write this I still got a little bit of tears drying on my cheek. “If I Could Fly” is a total bop and they did something to the rhythms towards the end of that one and it does really good shit to my brain. “Miracle” is about climate change, it slaughters me HARD because it came out over two decades ago and nothing has changed.
Under this spoiler there are the lyrics of “On a Good Day” because I thought I should include them.
a little bit lost and
a little bit lonely
little bit cold here
a little bit of fear
but I hold on and I feel strong
and I know that I can
I'm getting used to it
lit the fuse to it
like to know who I am
I've been talking to myself forever
and how I wish I knew me better
still sitting on a shelf and never
never seen the sun shine brighter
and it feels like me on a good day
I'm a little bit hemmed in
a little bit isolated
a little bit hopeful
a little bit calm
but I hold on and I feel strong
and I know that I can
I'm getting used to it
lit the fuse to it
like to know who I am
I've been talking to myself forever,
and how I wish I knew me better,
still sitting on a shelf and never
never seen the sun shine brighter
and it feels like me
on a good day
This is the end of this post. Take care of yourselves. Tomorrow needs you, as does the next day, and every day after.
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mental health, dysphoria, transmisogyny
They aren't mutually exclusive. Hell they could be dialectically linked, where they make each other harder to deal with by feeding into each other. We are not logical beings, we are emotional beings. Depression can make reality unbearable, and reality can get in a way of treating depression and trigger it. And in turn, depression can get in the way of changing that reality. You wrote about this yourself, where voice dysphoria gets in the way of voice training, something that I still struggle with. But I've found someone IRL to help me, who believes in me. And I've found a group of people who don't see me as any less of a woman when I do speak with a voice lower than 99% of men.
And honestly like most things we believe/perceive, it's contagious and self reinforcing. If all you have to hear and interact with are depression-induced negative thoughts and perceptions about how you look and sound and transphobia around you leading to thoughts like this:
it just becomes your reality. Even though it's false. Trans women are women period. That includes you. This is textbook internalized trans-misogyny, which causes a ton of dysphoria and makes any dysphoria you would've had anyway far worse. The good news is that this can change. It changed for others after all and to give you some tough love, you're not that unique. You're not the one invalid trans woman. And you aren't doomed to a reality where that's how people see you.
And for the love of you and the long life you have ahead of you as a woman, don't give up on treating your depression. Attack it with every weapon against it at your disposal. And switching therapists is very normal, it can take trying many before finding one that actually helps. There are therapists specializing in gender affirming therapy and gender dysphoria therapy. You can see them virtually if there are no good ones near you.
I really hope you're able to move and find some irl community, a community who will see you for who you are and support you in seeing that for yourself.
same as above
I think at least the majority of my negative thoughts are not depression induced, but the rational conclusion to my situation.
I agree I have depression, but it is caused by my life. Without that changing I can't do anything for the depression. I've tried.
You and @TerminalEncounter@hexbear.net both misunderstood what I'm saying here, so I guess that's my fault. I don't want to be viewed as other, treated as other, separated, etc. I do not want to be reminded of my differences. I feel dysphoric when I, say think of how my life has been different from cis women. I would feel dysphoric if women treated me as a trans woman, instead of a woman. If they made me ride in the front of an uber, made comments, etc. That would make me feel dysphoric and absolutely would happen unless I'm stealth (and even able to go stealth). I do view myself as a woman, a woman born in the wrong body and then mutilated by puberty and then cast as an outsider for her suffering.
Being trans causes me a ton of dysphoria. Not being treated like cis women are causes me dysphoria. I am a woman, I am not some "in between", I'm not a "male" who uses she/her, I'm a woman and my body, voice, and how I'm treated being different from that causes me dysphoria and pain.
Yes I am. Unless I pass, and have a good voice, and act the right way, people will in fact see me as different, as other, etc.
Switching therapists is a practical issue for me with how involved my family is with my healthcare, that's the issue.