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this post was submitted on 01 Sep 2023
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Tl;dr:
"I don’t want to hear feedback. Just do your job.”
“We value you. But a promotion isn’t in the cards right now.”“
"This is on a need-to-know basis. Information will be shared when the time is right.”
“We can talk about compensation at the next review.”
"We need to fill this role. Let’s not share those details with candidates.”
"I called you last night at 9:00 p.m. Why didn’t you answer?”
"We don’t have time for fun.”
Honestly, it's missing the following gems...
"We are looking for an industry leading ninja..."
"We're a work hard, play hard team/company"
I would also add any sort of variation of "at this job, we're like a family!"
A Manson family
"Fast paced work environment"
"We are family here"
“We treat our employees like family.”
I joined a " we are family" company and got shouted at by the founder because I wasn't a mind reader and didn't do something I had no idea needed done.
Sounds exactly like family, except I was hired into the position of toddler.
Fuck that noise.
I’m reminded of this guy I fired after he ghosted me when he no-call-no-showed.
“Wait? You don’t treat everyone like family?”
“No. I treat everyone like employees.” The look on his face was kinda priceless.
(For the record, I do try to take care of my employees, and the minimum there is paying what they’re worth- but the relationship is definitely employer-employee. The relationship is inherently transactional; pretending otherwise is exploitation)
“Industry leading ninja” is so cringey. It’s like a very out of touch old guy trying sound relevant. I AM an old guy so I have some knowledge here. 😀
Ninja, literally, "invisible", or perhaps generously, "spy" is such an insane term for a business to use anyway.
It connotates someone who is willing to break the law - kill if necessary- to bring down the opposition. Not someone connecting a new API node for Slack notifications
They probably actually mean Stakhanovite, but wouldn't bring themselves to use a communist term (/s).