this post was submitted on 20 Jan 2025
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I'm terrified of being a bad person on the inside and it makes it so hard to let the real me out of the cage I've built for her
Bad people, genuinely bad as far as moral certitude can go, don't generally worry about being bad
That's a good point. Maybe if I try hard enough I can internalize that. I guess the thing holding me back is I worry that I'm more worried about other people thinking I'm bad than actually being bad. Like maybe I would be okay with being a bad person if I knew that I could be bad and no one know? I'm realizing as I type this I tend to assume the absolute worst in myself for no reason. I guess we add that to the laundry list of things I need to talk to my therapist about once we start back up.
I also find it funny how close your reply is to the "cis people generally don't sit around worrying that they might not be cis" line that was one of the things responsible for shattering my egg lol. I should start a counter for how many times I get hit with this kind of logic on this site ๐
I suspect a lot of us are unnecessarily harsh on ourselves. I would never talk to one of my coworkers the way I do to myself, I'm quite harsh on myself for not getting an IV start for example but I'm quite encouraging to my coworkers or the students we get.
specific example with a sick kid
One time we got a kid where EMS mixed up their weight as kilograms when they took it in pounds. Because most of us think in pounds, no one caught it until on my shift one of the nurses did because this young kids weight was the same as his wife's lol. We reweighed and fixed it, it was important because it was a DKA case (doesn't matter what that is but a risk in treating DKA is cerebral edema from pumping too much fluids in, which is what happened when the weight was falsely high). Between EMS, ER, and then us it took a long time to catch that error - luckily the kid was fine with no damage. But explaining it to the people who were on last night, I could recognize the exact feeling I would've had. That I should've caught it, it was my fault, that I was a bad nurse, that I could have hurt someone, etc and meanwhile I was reassuring them and told them the family knew what happened and that we would adjust the policy to reweigh every admission no matter what. But if it had been me, I would've been very harsh on myself meanwhile here I was being gentle and reassuring to someone else..
Anyway, that kind of reverse double standard isn't healthy and it's insidious. I try to be gentler with myself too, it's a constant issue. You're not a bad person, especially if you're self reflective and want to be good.