I wish that all my wishes are granted in the manner in which I intended, with no unforeseen complications or consequences.
I wish for the ability grant any and all wishes at my discretion for myself or others in a manner and method of my decision.
this post was submitted on 16 Aug 2026
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i've given (too much) thought into the wishes:
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I wish all public officials, both elected, appointed, or otherwise, work to maximize the well-being of the people they represent, and the world as a whole.
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I wish to invent practical, sustainable, achievable FTL propulsion, and live to share the knowledge to parties who can and will implement it.
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If there is no positive life after death, I wish there was, retroactively, and it was roughly inline with the form of the Good Place at the series end.
WIshes arn't perfectly bulletproof, but are robust enough i think it would be hard to twist.
- a state of pure anarchy comes about due to the inability to the inability to maximize the well being of the people they represent to any extent as no method of measurement is defined and as one manages to maximize one metric it minimizes others making public officials disappear!
- you discover FTL propulsion as you fall into a black hole and share it with others on the same ship. unfortunately even if you find a way to escape it eons have passed and either everyone already is aware of FTL travel, or they have disappeared with the heat death of the universe.
- unfortunately this affects higher powers!
#1 is fair
I dont understand #2
#3: im good with that.
Thinking about it some more:
- this is why i used 'works to maximize', which is an imperfect state, and allows everyone to take steps without being crippled.
- i dont get how i can discover FTL in a blackhole, when im currently on earth... are you saying that the genie makes a ship without FTL, moves that ship to a black hole, and then teleports me there, allowing me to solve the day?
- comment stands, im ok if gods end up in the after life too. its not a bad place to wind down your life.
I love a good monkey's paw thread.
The reality is the genie gave you your 3 beer wishes and appreciated the simplicity of the ask so told the bartender to bill genie for the rest of your beers tonight and a cab home. No monkeys paw for those wishes.
[Update] The genie just gave me my 38th beer. Heβs on his 12th now and just tried crack for the first time
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oh sure like I would tell you. im hoarding all my genie wish knowledge.
I'm using my first damn wish to make you spill the beans on your genie wish strategies!!!
ok first wish is for two wishes that I will be happy with the outcome of them both long and short term from my current perspective just before any wish activity goes on and uneffected by retro effects from the wishes and given the knowledge of how exactly those wishes will play out when I make them both short and long term.
Technically you can't wish for more wishes but even so attempting to give you near omnipotent knowledge that would be required to understand how all wish activity would most likely drive you insane or kill you in a mortal body. as to whether that would make you happy may be a perspective thing when the chance is a lot of pain from going crazy or dropping dead vs the torture of having to sift through that knowledge to use it taking more time then you have to live.
I wish for a contract lawyer with genie experience who can write my other two wishes in a way that can't be twisted. (But with more words needed to get that first wish right!)
Chris and Jack did a skit like this. The first wish was to have the genie audit "what if I wish" speculations to tell how they might interpret the wish. A great video.
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Genie experience. Sure he works for the genie. Who 'can' do want you want. But doesn't have to. 'Can' gives your lawyer an out.
What if the genie lawyer isn't licensed(not to many licensed lawyers with genie experience I imagine!) or is in league with the genie! Honestly the genie may be less tricky than that lawyer!
The genie itself likely has legal experience. Heβs just allowed the genie to select the next two wishes.
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When Fox Mulder encountered a genie like that, his wish was delivered in written form. It was a binder with probably more than 1000 pages. Basically, he wished for world peace, but he had to lawyer his way out of all the usual genie BS. If the genie is playing dirty, you have to design the wish like you would design a law.
Bonus showerthougt: The law is a book series specifically written for assholes.
The genie is wondering how you managed to get all that done before spontaneously finding him. He claims you must also be a genie and per genie law owes you no wishes!
Nah, I would just put the genie on hold for 7 months while Iβm cooking the wish with a team of lawyers.
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I was just discussing that episode when my son asked me if I pushed a button that killed all assholes on the planet would I push it. I didn't even hesitate in saying yes. He then asked even if it killed me too, and I still said yes.
This led to whole discussion around this whole concept and the monkey paw theory and I also brought up the episode as well. The ending was the only correct choice to make.
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- I win $50M USD after tax in the lotto, in a way that lets me claim it anonymously and live inconspicuously. Iβll keep my job & benefits package, though.
- I have notably better physical & mental health now through the natural end of my life.
- I have notably better emotional intelligence now through the natural end of my life.
Too bad you'll die tomorrow
naturally
Genie grants all three wishes but makes you very small and invisible to fullfill the second part of wish 1. good thing you asked for better emotional and mental health, you'll need it :)
Ties in nicely with phonicsβ resultβ¦ an invisible person is hard to avoid colliding with.
First wish free the genie
Now that the genie is free he is no longer constrained by all genie laws and enslaves us all for eternity! Great job now my weekend plans are completely ruined! /s
I would use my first wish to secure the outcome of the other two. Something like "Dear Genie, I wish for my next two wishes to be granted in a way that respects the intent I have for those wishes". Then I would wish for everyone to have empathy and humility so that we can start all pulling together as a species instead of apart. For my last one I would wish that any limb that is used to hurt a child rots away and falls off. That's just a personal one for me because I've never understood adults hurting children deliberately.
The genie does indeed respect the intent but is pretty heavily incentivized to screw it up, the genie, drives us all insane by making us all live each others shared experiences so we can all be truly empathetic. he also coincidentally got all the bad guys/gals.
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I would give my wishes you the genie.
You trust the genie too much!
I'd wish for the ability to teleport anywhere I have already been. (I figure with quantum entanglement, the genie could grant this, our scientific knowledge isn't there yet.) I'd wish that at the end of each day my checking account fill back up to a balance of $5000. I'd wish for a refrigerator that appeared whatever food I wanted to eat.
The Genie grants part 1 but puts the cost of doing so on you as if you had to walk all the way there yourself(and doesn't tell you this). On wish 2 it grants this for you and every other person but also adds a $5000 fee for doing so(be thankful the genie didn't make it a greater fee!!), and for the last wish it will appear but if you try to eat it it disappears. :)
I get to teleport and loose weight at the same time. Double wish.
I wish for the genie to, as far as their power allows, to minimize all suffering across all beings that can suffer across all time, and keeping that at a minimum, to maximize pleasure across all beings that can feel pleasure across all time
The magnitude of this wish is beyond what the genie can pull off, best genie can do is free health/spa coupons. The genie sees what you were trying to do though and won't monkey's paw this one
First wish: the genie will be my eternal friend.
Second wish: free the genie from the geas β make the genie its own master.
There is no third wish.
First wish genie is an eternal friend but more like distant friend that would talk to you as a friend or give you a hand with moving but no more. then same as https://lemmy.ca/post/69470791/24857447 but maybe you get slightly nicer conditions?
The first is because of the Arabian Nights story where the guy frees the genie and the first thing it does is kill the wisher. Thereβs another where the first thing it does is puts the wisher in the bottle it was trapped in.
So βdistant friendβ is enough.
Replace the blood of every person that's SA'd someone with molten sodium chloride.
Drop a 6 foot by 2 inch tungsten rod from orbit onto anyone that's committed a warcrime, nailing them to the floor where they will be left as an example for everyone else.
Publically release complete documentation showing every country's actions that have been directly antagonistic to their own people (I'm talking EVERYTHING. Not just 'the files' but every action where a country has demonstrably done something that serves only the interests of the few at the cost of the people.)
The Genie thinks you haven't really thought this through, replacing blood with molten salt isn't physically possible and asking for mini rods from god to be launched from orbit at earth leaves it open to the genie how many and how much force to use. the Genie thinks you either don't respect the monkeys paw his powers or maybe that you want us all dead anyway :(
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