selfcrit

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This is a place to self-critique and explain why your words or actions were wrong and what you learned from the experience, and share that with other users to promote mutual education and a healthier site culture.

This is NOT a place to mount a defense of your words or actions, call out other users, or appeal bans.

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I posted too hard and said some uncool stuff, (hexbear.net)

submitted 1 week ago by ashinadash@hexbear.net to c/selfcrit@hexbear.net

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When I yapped in the thread I posted about Whipping Girl, I was pretty hostile to the use of the terms TMA and TME. Seeing people use them essentially as slurs on tumblr will do that to you, (fell for it again) but that doesn't make the terms bad, obviously. The AcidSmiley post was a good read on that subject. But I've carried a skepticism with me regarding both the idea of trans men taking over spaces/pushing transfems out of spaces, and the concept that anyone could hold a "non-binary supremacy" sort of viewpoint. Mostly this was because I was introduced to these concepts, respectively, through a novel and Whipping Girl. But if you've been on tumblr, you've also seen the shit that anyone transfem gets on that site daily. Maybe even experienced it.

I was told that some of what's written in Whipping Girl might have been more relevant two decades ago, and the above plus reading some stuff from the 90s as well has led me to writing this. There wasn't any good reason for me to be skeptical of people's experiences in queer communities, that thread or anywhere else. Wasn't following "No investigation, no right to speak" and alienated others over it. I don't like that I did that.

Also I took the nothorses tumblr post at face value, which was a colossal L. Imagine talking shit about psyops on tumblr and then taking a tumblr post at face value? You can only grow by admitting to your faults.

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[–] Athena5898@hexbear.net 5 points 1 week ago (2 children)

Speaking as a genderfluid person. I do not feel comfortable with TME and TMA. That's all I'll say on that because I don't want to open that up again given what you said.

What I will say, I have in general been very upset at the trans community as a whole lately. My group that should be a haven, is often no different then being with non trans people. My experiences have often been ignored and it is almost impossible to find resources for myself. Mean while I see what I can only call a op putting a wedge in the trans community. Terf logic and bio essentialism has spread like wild fire. Nuance and real intersectionality has been completely decimated. Don't even get me started on white supremacy I've seen making a home in trans communities. And rainbows capitalism and liberalism brunch.

I think the bitter pill to swallow is... Its the same god damn shit. Growing up I faced a lot of discrimination. Then I come out as trans and the people who are supposed to be my people? Do and say the same exact shit. And then I'm told it's not a type of transphobia? It honestly feels like honest to god gas lighting. "Ignore the facts, ignore your experiences, what I tell you what you face is what is true" shit down, shut up, suffer in silence or conform to our idea of what you should be.

I just thank god I have people IRL, I feel bad for anyone who has similar issues to me and doesn't have that. But yeah, I've accepted the fact that I'll never have some broader since of community.

Trans people should be standing up for each other. So much of the "discourse" is just so forced. Created to turn on each other. I just don't know how else to put it. Its just terf retorc given a new coat of paint. I've just decided that I refuse to partake in it...which probably means I shouldn't put this. But idk I'd feel remorse to not speak up at all on this. I get angry and I get bitter but I refuse to allow these...ideas turn me against my fellow trans people even if I don't often feel comfortable myself in what should be my own spaces.

I will always fight for my trans siblings. My brother and sisters. The its and theys. The neo pronouns. Even if I doubt I live to see a day where I get the acceptance, love and support that I want. I'll fight for the world where everyone else will get theirs.

I don't know if I should post this but I probably won't respond.

[–] SwitchyandWitchy@hexbear.net 5 points 1 week ago

I'm trying to read this in good faith but I'm struggling to get what this is supposed to be other than trying to justify trans-misogyny erasure. Like you bring up white supremacy in trans communities immediately after claiming that TMA/TME terms drive a wedge in the trans community. The latter is just class reductionist all-lives-matter "we need to tolerate racists so we can unite the working class" level bs and I just don't know how to take it any other way. All trans people face transphobia and those terms don't take that away from anybody. And yeah, the discourse is forced, I'd rather not be writing this comment but somehow you ended up writing all of that on a good selfcrit post by a completely different user. Trans-misogyny erasure is terf rhetoric.

[–] ashinadash@hexbear.net 4 points 1 week ago

Yeah, I guess I should also clarify that this is not a thumbs-up approval-stamp on the terms, but more that I don't like how I conducted myself in the thread referenced. I talked a lot myself about ops splitting the community, but on reflection kind of felt like I was doing that myself by bringing that "discourse" here.

Can't say I fully disagree about the community wrt bioessentialism and terf rhetoric, and ESPECIALLY white supremacy and rainbow imperialism. When I see that type of stuff, I think about Leslie Feinberg wistfully and wish we had a thought leader like hir now. Not that I'm a serious individual but I empathise with how you feel about the community at large, I've been in and out of so many trans communities, especially online. I'm thankful you did post.

[–] 389aaa@hexbear.net 5 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago) (1 children)

As one of the people you alienated, you are forgiven. I've done the doubting others experiences shit before as well, it can get too easy to feel as though one has to dig one's heels into one's chosen ground.

I myself at that time was already decently too dug into my broader position/feelings on that subject. I am significantly more chilled out about masculinity now, as an example.

And do remember, it wasn't just you doing the alienation. Speaking from my personal perspective there were several users at that time who contributed as well, and I ended up writing off the trans community on this site as a whole as 'Not a space that would accept me'.

It's funny, honestly. I've actually only gotten more non-binary since then in an objective sense even if I very much shy away from calling myself that for a lot of reasons. Sometimes I'm not sure if that thread helped with that change or hurt it - same thing with the chilling out on masculinity.

What that does make it for sure is narratively significant, so, no regrets or hard feelings on my part, alright? It was a worthwhile conversation, if unpleasant at the time.

Welcome back.

[–] ashinadash@hexbear.net 4 points 1 week ago

Hi, thank you for saying and I'm glad to hear. I guess I didn't feel like the thread was a net-positive contribution to the site, but I'm glad it was worthwhile.