This is not helpful, and I'm sorry to make light of your woes, but I was curious and looked up a help article to find:
Cortana can cause Windows Explorer and other essential Windows services to malfunction, especially on Windows 10. To resolve the Start button not working problem, you can disable the temporary Cortana files using the Command Prompt.
The
computer lady from Halo may have messed your shit up lol.
Have you tried unplugging it/removing the battery (do they even make removable batteries in laptops anymore)?
