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OpenAI courting private-equity firms with guaranteed minimum 17.5% return - Who the fuck believes they can deliver this shit? (lemmy.dbzer0.com)

submitted 21 hours ago* (last edited 21 hours ago) by wizardbeard@lemmy.dbzer0.com to c/techtakes@awful.systems

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Article: https://www.reuters.com/business/openai-sweetens-private-equity-pitch-amid-enterprise-turf-war-with-anthropic-2026-03-23/

Crossposted from: https://hexbear.net/post/8036692

I promise we're good for it guys!

I'm absolutely amazed that Altman isn't considered toxic waste by now financially. He was declared untrustworthy by his own board, and as far as I'm aware OpenAI has fallen short of every known business agreement so far. They have so many deals contingent on shit they haven't delivered and can't deliver that it should make any risk analyst's head spin.

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[–] Jayjader@jlai.lu 1 points 52 minutes ago

I watched The Big Short again last night. It's absurd how we seem to be going through the exact same steps as the subprime crisis did, not even 20 years later.

[–] o7___o7@awful.systems 4 points 6 hours ago

knock knock

Wallet Inspector!

[–] Wilco@lemmy.zip 4 points 7 hours ago

Private equity will find a way to make people use AI, they will likely force cities into contracts to use it for whatever stupid reason they dream up.

[–] baggachipz@sh.itjust.works 5 points 7 hours ago

Charles Ponzi, looking up from hell

“Jesus Christ, they’ve perfected the art!”

[–] OwOarchist@pawb.social 15 points 14 hours ago

Simple. When it comes time to repay that investment, they'll just get the money from new investors, offering them even higher returns!

[–] CinnasVerses@awful.systems 23 points 19 hours ago (2 children)

The subtext sounds like "we guarantee your returns, then go public. If we go bankrupt you get the retail investors' money, if we become the next Google you get your own private island." All you have to do is trust Sam Altman and (breaks out in hysterical laughter).

Do they mean 17.5% a year? My balanced bond-equity portfolio made 14-15% annual returns over the past three years by the radical method of buying "shares of companies that make profits" and "bonds backed by my local and national government."

[–] cstross@wandering.shop 2 points 9 hours ago (1 children)

@CinnasVerses @techtakes

This kind of ROI to me stinks of late-stages Ponzi scheme—the smart money has made its pile, but they need to keep pulling in the rubes to keep the illusion of growth running.

[–] CinnasVerses@awful.systems 1 points 4 hours ago

Yes, promising "returns like a good year on the stock market, but no risk" usually says Ponzi.

When the forensic accountants go through OpenAI's books in 2027 or 2028 I would like to see whether anyone but staff and suppliers made money from it.

[–] Tar_alcaran@sh.itjust.works 5 points 14 hours ago

the radical method of buying "shares of companies that make profits"

That's OpenAI out then

[–] Pogogunner@sopuli.xyz 17 points 19 hours ago (1 children)

They know private equity is almost tapped out, and whoever is first in this latest round will grab the largest portion of what's left. I don't know if it's the end game, but all but the most delusional investors are starting to ask where the returns are after years of the same promises

[–] OwOarchist@pawb.social 4 points 14 hours ago

"Trust me, bro. Just a few more hundreds of billions, and then we'll be able to replace all your employees forever."

[–] Luisp@lemmy.dbzer0.com 2 points 15 hours ago

to invest, put your money in that hole