Casual Conversation

I was "in love" with a girl for about 4 years. I finally worked up the nerve to ask her out just after we graduated. She had been single but just started dating someone. I missed my chance.

It was a bummer. She was so fucking pretty and, to the degree I spoke with her, she was kind. But she was quiet and reserved. I didn't even know her, to be honest, but I dreamed about her — fantasized about her in both a sexual and non-sexual context.

But that was over thirty years ago now. And in that time I've learned a lot about myself. About life. First, she was easy to project fantasies onto. She was quiet and passive. Not without a personality but reserved. And everything I loved about her was how I imagined her to be. Also she was beautiful, but what if she wasn't?

I only knew her from the school bus. But there was another girl in the bus, who I knew a little better. Not as pretty, but not ugly either. She actually liked me. She hit on me. And I was not rude but I didn't pursue it at all. Partly because she was intensely Catholic and I was atheist — but I have no idea the religious inclinations of the first girl! I found out later she attended some evangelical church and in hindsight, I probably was less compatible with her than the other girl.

By sheer coincidence, I did marry someone from that bus. Neither of those girls and not right away — I was not ready for a serious relationship then no matter what I thought. I was very self-absorbed and self-interested. I married her after we were both once divorced. She'd had kids. We were both in our mid-thirties.

Part of me wondered for years — longed to find out. But not any more. I've let that go. If I ran into her and recognized her, it might be fun to have a laugh over. But my curiosity about what might've been has faded.

My first crush did a stint in rehab and now is a cat lady on an industrial scale, park rangering at a wildlife animal rescue preserve.

I fell for a girl in a big way. She was super cute, super nice (mostly), and super easy to imagine a life with.

We went to a graduation-style ball together, she met a guy I knew really well who's a genuinely nice chap - and they hit it off from the moment they set eyes on each other.

They're still together and I'm thrilled for them, two really decent spuds ending up together and happy is the dream for everyone - I'm really chuffed they nailed it.

You are probably right when you say you feel something and it's hard to pinpoint. We all have different experiences in life and not always get a chance to fully integrate or become aware of what we did, what that means for ourselves, etc.

So, to add to the other points, you are probably confronted with a variety of topics that are difficult to grapple: the passage of time for everyone; what do we think about ourselves as a result of seizing or letting opportunities pass by; do we want a relationship, and of what kind, and with what kind of person, and was she really this person or not; what do we need to change or adjust in the light of the results of all this thinking, how anxiety-inducing all these topics are, how plausible it would be and how much control we have over any of this.... Heavy stuff. YMMV for each one of us when facing these issues.

You are very likely over her, but not over all the topics this touches. So yeah you do well by getting it out of your head and talking about it