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I need help... (I feel like I'm transphobic) (copied from lgbtq+ instance) (piefed.blahaj.zone)

submitted 5 days ago* (last edited 4 days ago) by RadioactiveShark@piefed.blahaj.zone to c/trans@lemmy.blahaj.zone

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Important to note: I have OCD, and I seem to have this obsession with the idea of me being transphobic. I am a member of the LGBTQ+ community, I have known this for years, and I try my best to support everyone. I have a lot of trans friends, I love them a lot, and treat them and see them as I would anyone else.

So, I feel like I’m transphobic. Is there any evidence of this? No. I’ve been a vocal supporter about LGBTQ+ rights for years (online), including trans rights, but I’ve recently become increasingly anxious at the thought of me being transphobic.

This likely stems from my questioning of my own gender, often times I feel that I am not quite male, maybe that I’m nonbinary or genderfluid. I mentioned this to my nonbinary friend, and they said “you don’t seem nonbinary”. This sent me spiraling, questioning my own gender and identity, and questioning if I was transphobic for believing that I was nonbinary (or possibly genderfluid, as at times I feel very comfortable being male, but at others I feel a lot more feminine).

At some point, I have to accept the fact that this is delusion, but I still really feel like I need guidance/assurance. I do not really know what to do about this.

(ANOTHER WORRY I HAVE is acting so paranoid and making it seem like I think trans people are going to cancel me and ruin my life if I say anything wrong, like a lot of transphobic people claim and act like. This is NOT AT ALL my intention, but I know I probably come off that way.)

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[–] Comrade_Spood@quokk.au 15 points 4 days ago (1 children)

Rule of thumb, you are the only one who gets to decide your gender and how you express it. For example I recently came out as gender-queer (he/they/she). I was born male, and I look masculine. I have no issue with identifying as male, but I found it limiting and not representative of the whole me. On the surface though no one would notice that unless I told them. At least for now. I am working on being more comfortable publicly expressing in more feminine ways. That is to say I don't "look" gender-queer or non-binary, doesnt make me any less so.

In terms of transphobia, I think you outline exactly why you aren't transphobic. You treat trans people how they want to be treated, with respect. You are accepting of it, you even identify with it. Unless other people are calling out specific behavior regularly, I wouldnt worry about being considered transphobic. Personally, I found myself wondering how anything you mentioned could be considered transphobic, so take that as evidence that you are not transphobic. Explore your gender identity and dont let others control how you identify or how you express it. Gender expression and identity are two different things and they don't always line up neatly. The whole point of being queer is not letting others fit you into their narrow boxes.

[–] RadioactiveShark@piefed.blahaj.zone 6 points 4 days ago

Thank you for your comment and kind words. Another person on the other post I made mentioned that there are some types of OCD where one is fixated on the fear of doing something taboo, I probably have that, where I am fixated on the fear of being transphobic when I know I am not.

I also seem to have this sort of double standard for myself and for others (if that is the right term). For others, of course nobody else can tell them what their gender is! For me, well, my friend is actually nonbinary so they are the better authority on the matter than I am as a cis man. It is strange and I don't really know how to get past that. I have been trying to ignore these feelings that I am not fully male, and it is making me insane.

[–] Bad_Engineering@fedia.io 6 points 4 days ago (1 children)

Questioning your own gender is never transphobic, quite the opposite really.

Your friend is wrong, "seeming" like one gender or another to other people doesn't matter in the slightest. I'm a trans woman, I'm not overly feminine or butch either way, some people see me as male, some see me as female. It doesn't matter what their opinion is, the only ones that does is my opinion that I feel like and am a woman. I don't understand the feeling of being non-binary or genderless, but that doesn't mean it's not valid or real to the people that do.

Other trans/nonbinary people don't get a vote for what your gender is just because they figured theirs out before you, or if you fit their predefined notion of what arbitrary traits represent each gender. If you feel like you're somewhere in between genders then you are, if you feel like your neither then you are. Gender is made up, it's just a concept humans developed because we like to organize things into simple little boxes. Black or white, up or down, girl or boy. But reality is rarely ever that clear cut or simple. It's messy and subjective. So if you feel like presenting a certain way, then go for it, everyone else be damned.

[–] RadioactiveShark@piefed.blahaj.zone 2 points 4 days ago (1 children)

Thank you for your kind words.

It is very strange and foreign for gender to be put that way, compared to other things like black and white where most things are not so objective, it is a bit confusing for me to read it, but it makes so much sense! All of the people around me in my life do believe in gender being strictly binary (and that God created gender for the human), but this thinking makes so much more sense to me.

Do you know how to change my mindset, so I can tell myself I may not be a cis man fully without me thinking that I am transphobic for having these thoughts?

[–] Bad_Engineering@fedia.io 1 points 4 days ago (1 children)

Just trust in your own intuitions, and if something feels right, go with it. Experiment, try out different cloths or hairstyles, just have fun with it. If you decide you don't like something after giving it a try, then oh well, try something else. Just find what works for you and makes you happy.

[–] RadioactiveShark@piefed.blahaj.zone 1 points 4 days ago (1 children)

I can't do that in real life very much, I still need to look and dress masculine. I have longer hair to shoulders, but that is as much as I can do, and if I start dressing less masculine, the people in my life will be becoming suspicious.

[–] Bad_Engineering@fedia.io 1 points 3 days ago

You can do all this in private to see how you feel about it. Most trans an nonbinary people experiment in private before ever coming out publicly.

[–] Domi@lemmy.blahaj.zone 3 points 4 days ago (1 children)

If you examine the claim "you don't seem nonbinary", it falls apart so quickly. What does a nonbinary person seem like? It's not some a static third gender, it's a broad term that includes a lot of folks who present very differently to one another. It's really a very silly thing to say.

Trans imposter syndrome is real and it affects so many of us. There's a book that helped me a lot called "Am I Trans Enough?" by Alo Johnston. Basically echoing the others that you're the only person who gets to decide who you are. This book helped me sit with the questions about my gender identity and really feel my way through them.

You're feeling the way a lot of us have at some point in our lives. You're not alone in these feelings I promise. Good luck on your journey.

[–] RadioactiveShark@piefed.blahaj.zone 2 points 4 days ago

Thank you so much :)))

[–] TheLeadenSea@sh.itjust.works 4 points 4 days ago (1 children)

Your friend should not have said that - gender is internal, it can't "seem" a certain way to others.

Also, I know I am transphobic, but only to myself, so... ...it's fine?

[–] RadioactiveShark@piefed.blahaj.zone 1 points 4 days ago (1 children)

Am I transphobic to myself?

[–] TheLeadenSea@sh.itjust.works 3 points 4 days ago (1 children)

You would know that better than me. Do you tell yourself transphobic narratives about how you're not really nonbinary because [TERF argument insert here]?

[–] RadioactiveShark@piefed.blahaj.zone 1 points 4 days ago (1 children)

I tell myself I am not nonbinary because my nonbinary friend said so, and them as a real nonbinary person are a better authority on subject than me as a cisgender man. (I know this logic is flawed but I cannot change my thoughts that easily even when I know this is not logical.)

[–] TheLeadenSea@sh.itjust.works 2 points 4 days ago (1 children)

What does being nonbinary mean to you, specifically?

[–] RadioactiveShark@piefed.blahaj.zone 1 points 4 days ago (1 children)

Well, how most people define it as the gender identity that is not strictly the man or the woman.

The way that I thought I was, before my friend told me otherwise, was that I was mostly male but had some not binary elements in the gender? (Apologies for the bad English.) Like, sometimes I feel very masculine and I like looking and being seen as male, but other times I feel much less masculine and I want to wear things like skirts and paint my nails and have the long hair.

[–] TheLeadenSea@sh.itjust.works 2 points 4 days ago (1 children)

So is it about liking different things at different times for you, then? Like, how you feel about your gender expression changes over time?

Also, how do you feel about your body? When you like expressing yourself more feminine, do you mind your body being masculine at all, or is it purely the presentation part of gender?

[–] RadioactiveShark@piefed.blahaj.zone 2 points 4 days ago (1 children)

It changes very often, like some days I feel like a man and some days I feel less like a man and some days I feel barely like a man.

I have never actually expressed myself femininely outside of growing out my hair (which many people in my life dislike.). I do not mind having a masculine body, I would prefer it over a feminine body, I just wish I could express myself differently sometimes when I want to.

[–] TheLeadenSea@sh.itjust.works 4 points 4 days ago (1 children)

Thanks for sharing that, that helps me understand you a lot better!

I'm definitely not trying to tell you how you feel, that's for you to know for yourself, and you definitely know more about yourself that I do from just reading your comments.

However, that said,

It changes very often, like some days I feel like a man and some days I feel less like a man and some days I feel barely like a man.

sounds a lot to me like being genderflux - meaning your gender oscillates between one gender (male, in your case) and agender (not having a gender at all) or possibly some other nonbinary identity, depending on what you mean by 'not a man', without ever crossing onto the other side of the spectrum.

The fact that you prefer having a masculine body over a feminine body suggests to me that you're at least masculine of center, rather than transfeminine, but you could still be various forms of nonbinary that are masculine of center - agender, genderflux, demiboy, etc.

And it's also important to note that gender presentation is not the same as gender identity - you can want to express yourself in ways typically called 'feminine' without wanting to have a female body, and without being a woman - if you're not.

But all in all, these are just guesses, are any of my suggestions helpful in understanding your identity? Do any of those terms resonate with you?

[–] RadioactiveShark@piefed.blahaj.zone 2 points 4 days ago* (last edited 4 days ago) (1 children)

Thank you so much, you have no idea what this comment means to me. You taught me many new words that I will now spend hours researching while I should be sleeping xDDD.

Thank you for your kindness and understanding :))))

Do you know how can I get rid of the feeling that I am being fake because I do not seem nonbinary?

[–] TheLeadenSea@sh.itjust.works 1 points 4 days ago (2 children)

I've got to sleep too, unfortunately, but please remind me to come back to this in the morning :3

One thing maybe you could tell me is what you mean by you don't 'seem' nonbinary? Like, you don't present androgynous/fem enough? To me, what you've said about not feeling male all the time seems to indicate that you are nonbinary at least in some form - and you don't need to look a certain way to be a gender

[–] RadioactiveShark@piefed.blahaj.zone 2 points 4 days ago (1 children)

I am leaving this here so in the morning you can see this.

I searched up some things about genderflux and found a Reddit post asking about it, and the top comment is a long one that explains it a lot. Would you say this is good?

So then I might be genderflux masculine? As in sometimes I am more masculine than other times? I do not have the exact vocabulary to describe what it is when I feel less masculine, I do not know if agender is the right term or not (absence of gender I think is the description?)

Also, I am thinking, should I talk to my friend about this and what they said? I don't think they even remember saying it or me mentioning that I feel that I may be nonbinary. I don't think they would disagree that I am nonbinary if I talk to them about this, considering they know more about genders than me.

Also, another question about vocabulary that I have is that can transgender and nonbinary be used together? My friend (like me maybe) identifies with multiple labels such as nonbinary and also transgender and gender qu--r (I don't know if that is the good word to say, if it's not, I will delete it.). They identify and present more masculine and nonbinary. As the comment on the post I linked says, nonbinary is an "umbrella term" that can incorporate any gender that is not just male or just female or that is not male or female (if the information is accurate, which upon further research, it might be.) Can transgender and nonbinary then be co identitys? (Sorry if that made no sense.)

Talking to people here made me feel really much more confident and comfortable with the idea that I may be not just or not entirely or not always a man (still researching vocabulary), and I am very very grateful that I did this and can get these supports :)))

[–] TheLeadenSea@sh.itjust.works 1 points 4 days ago

Nonbinary is often treated as part of the trans umbrella, yeah. It's up to you if you want to personally identify with the term as genderflux masculine though.

[–] RadioactiveShark@piefed.blahaj.zone 1 points 4 days ago

I present entirely masculine, and have my whole life. The only experimenting I can do, really, is with the hair and maybe wearing lighter colors. I don't want any body in the real life to suspect that I may be transgender (this is not out of my own transphobia but their).

[–] phr@discuss.tchncs.de 3 points 4 days ago* (last edited 4 days ago) (1 children)

a lot of people pointed out, that it is not other peoples beer to define you.

i'd like to add: it might be helpfull to try out different expressions. are you happier when presenting fem? or masc? or do you find peace when expressing as neither (or both)? whatever that means in detail. does it change over time?

i really had to deduce from that for years. back then i figuered i was probably enby. i didn't like being a man but also was afraid of identifiying as a women. i didn't even adopt the nb label, bc i felt like an intruder.

only later i started to develop a feeling for myself. while still not sure where i'll end up. but def transfem! so i identified as that, when i found out. the exploration only intensified after that point, but it wouldn't have happened, had i not allowed myself to play around first. i also had a lot of internalised transphobia to overcome, to get to a point at which i allowed myself to want to express a certain way.

so for me this holds true: doing gender > contemplating gender

[–] RadioactiveShark@piefed.blahaj.zone 1 points 4 days ago

I don't have any way to express it unless online, but I don't know how to do that, and what I want is my expressions to be with my appearance. Here I stop.

[–] lwhjp@piefed.blahaj.zone 1 points 4 days ago (1 children)

I see plenty of OCD here but no transphobia. You're OK <3

If you say you're non-binary, you are. I'll believe you. And hopefully everyone else here will too.

And if it turns out later that you're not, that's cool too.

And if you were doubly mistaken and you actually are? No problem. We can go on as long as you like, and you're not harming anybody.

[–] RadioactiveShark@piefed.blahaj.zone 1 points 4 days ago

I just struggle with not feeling that I am transphobic, but all the kind people here have made me feel more confident and my fear is weaker now. :))