The Onion

(Copenhagen) As the US searches for the next distraction from the Epstein Files release, Denmark has taken a new approach to keep their protectorate of Greenland safe. Yesterday, the Danish government announced Greenland could be purchased by the US if the US president did twenty consecutive pushups.

“Twenty in a row, all the way up and down, no girl pushups,” said Danish foreign minister Lars Løkke Rasmussen. Trump called the terms unfair, citing a note from his doctor saying his wrist was hurt. “These terms are ridiculous, no man can do this. I can do this obviously, but I have a note. I’m the healthiest man on earth, but the doctor says I can’t go, otherwise Greenland would already be mine. Ours. I’m way too healthy… they should put me on that space station, that’s what I’m really telling you.” He made these remarks while playing 18 holes of golf at his New Jersey golf course.

If not able to do pushups, Danish officials said he could be televised running a 6-minute mile, or taking a math test on fractions. The White House says the Danes are stalling. “These are ridiculous terms to embarrass the president and America,” said press secretary Karoline Leavitt. “Fractions are too difficult when the needs to Americans are at stake.”

Not all republicans feel the offer is a bad deal. Leo Sturbgetter, an Illinois-based cow detangler, said “I do twenty pushups every morning, I know for certain my president does at least fifty. He probably wants to do them one-handed, and I understand his concern with the note and all.”

Greenland remained free at press time.