The Onion

Actual policy: livestream firing squad executions

(Chicago, IL) The popular satirical news site “The Onion” announced mass hirings in their newspaper and broadcast divisions Wednesday, as staff member left in droves to take advantage of the new, more relaxed hiring standards of the FBI. The federal agency began hiring applicants with more questionable backgrounds Monday, citing staffing difficulties.

“We’ve all seen a really attractive horse, a sheep, or a goat that tried to lure you into a sexual relationship,” said one former writer who requested anonymity due to concerns regarding PETA. “Maybe you like incels, and accidentally fall for a pig, or a skunk. I personally was fooled into believing I was dating a furry for 9 months until I learned the awful truth, and I’m glad Director Patel understands that need for the deed with the steed.”

Many of the former comedy writers say they appreciate the FBI’s self-satire during the current administration. “I always wanted to work at the top joke agency,” said one. “And the current FBI lays it on thick… and everyone acts like it’s not a joke, like, every day. We’re going to be the best cops in America, and maybe some dude fucked a squirrel. You can’t get that here - The Onion may be satirical, but there’s a strong vein of integrity underneath that you don’t have to worry about at the FBI.”

Department heads at The Onion say they are sad to see so many staff go, but they look forward to seeing what humor their new members will bring. “We’re excited to keep working here at The Onion,” said Leo Sturbgetter, “and we hope that if they clarify whether those prostitutes can be dead, we don’t see another wave of exits. I mean, Thailand, am I right?”

The Thai Government responded to a request for comment, confirming it is still illegal to sleep with dead people in the country.

“Late-stage capitalism is an absolute grind. Gerontocracies remind us that short-term, medium-term, and long-term disability insurance policies exist for a r...

Finally a way to vote from home

“Consider me stupid. Pour money into my state and strangle every aspect of the parts of life I use to acquire information to make choices. Ruin my television...

Spiderkash

Tech companies have begun offering personal AI agents, which can access users’ accounts and perform tasks on their behalf. The Onion examines the pros and cons of these autonomous digital assistants.

“Your hometown isn’t the same place you grew up in. You’re nostalgic for a memory of a ghost of a place that doesn’t even exist. Did it ever exist? Did you?”

“I’m just thinking out loud here, but maybe a political party that has dedicated the last forty years to taking away women’s rights could also give some thou...

“Can a rapist’s prose effectively elicit remorse for sexual assault? What word count best equates to appropriate jail time? In this class, we will dissect wh...

“It is hard in America not to be good at understanding sports! People have no idea how excluded people like us feel.”

Toys ‘R’ Us announced the opening of 120 stores, a comeback for the once-bankrupt retailer hoping to capitalize on a growing number of adult toy collectors. What do you think?

“First, accept how fun reading isn’t. Words do not blast stim at the rate we enjoy today. Words are old, older than TikTok. Back then, a human would read, ‘F...

Starbucks’ bumpy road to relocating much of its workforce to Nashville, Tenn. continued today after the state’s transphobic legislators demanded a genital check of the Starbucks Mermaid before she’s allowed to get a new ID to live and work in the state.

Citing positive feedback and increased foot traffic that grew day after day for a year and a half, next week the car-free Pike Place Market pilot program will come to an end on Oct. 1 after it was deemed too successful to continue.

“The health and safety of our customers is an appreciable notch on the sliding scale of both Consolidated Harvest Friends’ and the larger Northstar Halcyon T...

After months of doing his best to pretend he’s ever given a single actual shit about women’s sports, today local transphobe and Washington Sex Verification Requirements for Female School Sports Initiative supporter Rick Petty admitted he doesn’t know how much longer he can keep this up.

(Portland, OR) Last Thursday the Portland City Counsel voted 9-0 to move forward with the city’s budget - one key measure in the budget commits funds to replace thousands of homeless residents with AI, some as early as this December. Dubbed the “Digital Outdoorsman” initiative, the measure commits funds to replace a majority of the homeless in the city with a custom Artificial Intelligence. City leaders say the need to digitize the homeless is urgent.

“We have people living in boxes, screaming at residents, and defecating in alleys,” said Mayor Keith Wilson. “Last year, 50 un-housed residents were injured or killed in altercations with the police. We believe AI systems could do all of this more efficiently, and save the city a lot of money.”

The budget calls for temporarily replacing street residents with computer systems equipped with speakers and a rolling chassis to chase people or paper bags short distances, gradually replacing the street populace over the next two years. At that point, “most if not all” units will transition to Chinese human-like robots by 2030, and then a task force formed to address the homeless robot problem in the city by 2032.

Some residents are concerned about being replaced. Leo Sturbgetter, an unemployed cow detangler who lives behind Powell’s Books, said, “I been like a prince in the Bahamas, I done worked every state. I been to that Bahrain. I can’t just be done to a robot. I gotta move and think, not a robot.”

But Leon Stubgrabber, his soon-to-be digital replacement, has a different take. “I can ask the cantalope,” he said. “I’m a rum bottle shaking like a leaf… you can’t just date a coyote, you gotta pin his ears first. Amen.”

Soon Portland residents will evaluate the difference, as the next generation of blight takes hold.