The Onion

(Minneapolis, MN) As Americans continue to resist oppression from the federal government and troops are being deployed to further undermine basic rights, a surprising number of Canadians are being found among the protesters. Wearing sun hats and carrying towels, these foreigners are standing in the front lines, apparently asking to be arrested.

“Oh we’re here for you guys,” said Mark Shants, a 34 year old Toronto native with his wife. “We drove across yesterday, told them we’d be here one day. Oopsie. Hope we don’t get send to Central America.”

Shants is one of many Canadians who are following a viral video by Canadians who were send to El Salvador, and released immediately after intervention by the Canadian embassy. Their posts from the warm beaches, combined with high air fare due to American invasions and threats to oil-rich countries, have encouraged hundreds of Canadians to cross the boarder with hopes to escape the sub-zero cold.

The US is not amused. On Friday the president said “these Canadian infiltrators will be sent to the most tropical places where nobody understands English.. nobody, they spit if they hear it… and they will be skinned alive by the trend of the agua gang dealers.” Trump spoke while taking a brief hiatus from golfing to do work running the country.

But Shants and others seem willing to brave the president’s wrath if it involves free travel. “Oh, here come the ICE guys, it’s a pleasure meeting you,” said Shants. “I better go turn myself in before they start shooting tear gas, they do that if you’re American.”

(Waxahatchee, TX) A small court ruling is causing big waves in Republican circles, as drones used as weapons are now considered “arms” a citizen may use for protection. The ruling involved the use of quadcopter drones, similar to those seen in Ukraine, to individually kill several legal deer on a small ranch in Texas. Video of the explosions - and shower of deer parts - caused outrage among gun advocates who claim their guns don’t feel as powerful any more.

“Look right here,” said Christian Stropp of Waxahatchee, bringing up the video. “Here, let me slow it down. Okay… wow. Now let’s watch it again. Wow. Okay with a filter and let me add the music… the point is I can’t do anything nearly that cool with a gun. This rifle I have is the same make and model what killed Charlie Kirk [of Turning Point USA]. It used to be really cool. But that drone stuff just makes it look like a BB gun.”

The hunters, who asked their names to be withheld as they are Democrats living in Texas, said they are just keeping up with the times. “My dad used to take me to the gun range as a kid, now I take my son to the drone range. You should see how happy he gets when he drops a pound of flour directly on a MAGA hat. That was his first buck on the day involving the trial.”

Advocates for drone hunting note that they are more similar to a single shot weapon than an assault rifle. Also they note that even those who have poor mobility can use them. “Once you learn the controls, there’s very little you can do to stop them,” said one. “A lot of militia guys get together and act tough and talk about how they can outrun you. Good luck.”

Texas Governor Greg Abbott says he is torn on the issue, in part due to large commercial interest from China to build drone weaponry in the state. He says he stands (metaphorically) with both sides.

Some hunters are also torn on the issue. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in Cut and Shoot, Texas, said “I don’t like change, but that deer blowing up is my new phone wallpaper. I just wish a gun could do that.”

Archive link: https://archive.ph/OjxbV

(Washington DC) As local and state leaders prepare for a massive ice storm headed to the US South, they are dismayed that FEMA, the Federal disaster response agency responsible for the federal response to the storm, has posted a “Go Fund Me” page to seek funding for the disaster response.

Go Fund Me is an webpage made famous by its use in America to replace most forms of government social support found in other nations. Users can donate money to help with causes, with a small percentage kept by the site, as well as the user’s personal information.

The page states the agency has been affected by government cuts after trump’s election, and thus they need donations totally “near or about $167 million” to respond to the storm. The current total is $27.47 as of 2pm Tuesday.

“We are doing our best,” said a spokeswomen who asked not to be identified as an official in the current administration. “Unfortunately, our response budget only covered the web design, the clip art licensing fees for the page, and the $27.47 we threw in to make it look like people had started donating. We hope the money starts flowing in soon, so we can get paid.”

The storm is predicted to put an inch or more of ice on the ground, creating dangerous conditions as trees and power lines are brought down. Those in the path of the storm are encouraged to prepare for power outages.

Americans don’t seem eager to help their fellow neighbors. Leo Sturbgetter, a New York cow detangler, said, “after Superstorm Sandy, these guys tried to cut our disaster funding saying it wasn’t necessary. Better bundle up… use layers.”

(Washington DC) Citing safety concerns for the building, the White House Press Office has requested Americans stop messaging the president about special powers they believe a Nobel Prize may have, including the power to magically deflect bullets.

Karoline Leavitt was stern at the podium. “Please stop telling the president that the prize grants a magic field that defects bullets, that it regenerates a finger, repels vampires, attracts underaged women while the owner twerks, or any of the other claims found online. We expect a certain level of maturity from cowardly liberals and our corrupt, lying mainstream media.”

Trump was given a used prize this week, in an attempt to bribe the president to invade another country and overthrow their leadership. Trump has accepted the prize, but not yet commented on the request.

Since the used prize was given, Americans have begun egging on the president, telling him the medallion has secret powers. After trump was removed from the White House roof following a comment saying it allowing a person to fly if worn around the neck, the messages have been piling on, leading to the announcement.

Ironically, a large portion of the president’s base believes these claims are real, leading to additional confusion, and possibly explaining trump’s attempt to fly. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in central Texas, said “I’m pretty sure Obama flew to those pizza orgies, and he had one of those medals. I say we should let the man try, no harm in it.”

Americans who don’t support the president agree with the sentiment, for different reasons.

Original auf Deutsch

WASHINGTON—Saying that despite recent events, it would do everything in its power to continue obscuring the truth, The Washington Post published an editorial Thursday defending the FBI’s recent raid on its reporter.

“As journalists, we stand united behind the U.S. government’s decision to investigate our colleague Hannah Natanson, search her home, and seize several of her electronic devices,” read the piece, which was signed by the famed newspaper’s editorial board and outlined the many ways in which Natanson deserved to be punished for doing her job conducting investigative reporting into the Trump administration.

“The Washington Post has a long history of groundbreaking journalism, and we invite FBI director Kash Patel to raid, arrest, or jail anyone involved with such efforts. In the United States, federal agents are born with certain unalienable rights.

We cannot in good conscience allow our reporters to infringe upon that freedom.” At press time, the famed newspaper’s readership had reportedly skyrocketed after the editorial board called on President Donald Trump to publicly execute its entire staff.

(Copenhagen) As the US searches for the next distraction from the Epstein Files release, Denmark has taken a new approach to keep their protectorate of Greenland safe. Yesterday, the Danish government announced Greenland could be purchased by the US if the US president did twenty consecutive pushups.

“Twenty in a row, all the way up and down, no girl pushups,” said Danish foreign minister Lars Løkke Rasmussen. Trump called the terms unfair, citing a note from his doctor saying his wrist was hurt. “These terms are ridiculous, no man can do this. I can do this obviously, but I have a note. I’m the healthiest man on earth, but the doctor says I can’t go, otherwise Greenland would already be mine. Ours. I’m way too healthy… they should put me on that space station, that’s what I’m really telling you.” He made these remarks while playing 18 holes of golf at his New Jersey golf course.

If not able to do pushups, Danish officials said he could be televised running a 6-minute mile, or taking a math test on fractions. The White House says the Danes are stalling. “These are ridiculous terms to embarrass the president and America,” said press secretary Karoline Leavitt. “Fractions are too difficult when the needs to Americans are at stake.”

Not all republicans feel the offer is a bad deal. Leo Sturbgetter, an Illinois-based cow detangler, said “I do twenty pushups every morning, I know for certain my president does at least fifty. He probably wants to do them one-handed, and I understand his concern with the note and all.”

Greenland remained free at press time.

(Zürich, Switzerland) As tensions mount between the US and Iran, FIFA, the world governing body for football, released a press statement reiterating that their Peace Prize only involved match play as regulated by the sports authority. “This prize is only related to events occurring during football match play, on the pitch, during the time of regulation play.”

In December, FIFA awarded US president donald trump the peace prize, almost one month before the US attacked the capital of Venezuela and kidnapped their President, during a brief lull in US extrajudicial killings in the Gulf of Mexico. Trump called the award “one of the great honors of my life.”

FIFA notes that there have been no red cards issued since the award was presented, and trump himself has never been carded while on the field.

The announcement has caused some anger in Tehran, where officials are calling out FIFA for pulling sponsorship of continuous games being scheduled at air bases and military facilities around Iran, saying the games were only an attempt to use the good reputation of the peace prize to prevent attacks. FIFA called the move “so low, even we would rarely attempted it.”