bradorsomething

(Killeen, TX) As the government prepares for the first public execution in the nation’s history, trump told reporters Thursday that the trend will continue, with a catch. “Next one is pay-per-view,” the President said. “You gotta hook ‘em. It’s like drugs, the first one’s free. Don’t do drugs though, but watch us kill people.”

Human rights groups around the world are condemning the use of public execution, placing the US among such nations as Saudi Arabia, Afghanistan, and Iran. The President dismisses these claims.

“We’re nothing like those countries, we have missiles blowing boats out of the sea. Would you pay to see that… I’d pay to see that. I don’t have to because I’m President, but I’d pay $100 to see that.” He would not elaborate further.

At the White House Press Secretary’s office, Karoline Leavitt’s younger, blonder replacement said not everything the President said is literal, and the White House has not yet decided to show their extrajudicial war crimes on pay-per-view. However, republican voters are excited by the prospect - Leo Strubgetter, a Missouri cow detangler, says he is eager to watch boats blown up live. “I’m just worried they’ll use AI to increase the prices for the good ones,” he said, “like McDonalds keeps raising those burger prices when I’m hungry. That’s not what America is about.”

When asked today about dynamic pricing, the President said he would not use the system, and declared Stubgetter “an ENEMY” for using the term AI.

(Chicago, IL) The popular satirical news site “The Onion” announced mass hirings in their newspaper and broadcast divisions Wednesday, as staff member left in droves to take advantage of the new, more relaxed hiring standards of the FBI. The federal agency began hiring applicants with more questionable backgrounds Monday, citing staffing difficulties.

“We’ve all seen a really attractive horse, a sheep, or a goat that tried to lure you into a sexual relationship,” said one former writer who requested anonymity due to concerns regarding PETA. “Maybe you like incels, and accidentally fall for a pig, or a skunk. I personally was fooled into believing I was dating a furry for 9 months until I learned the awful truth, and I’m glad Director Patel understands that need for the deed with the steed.”

Many of the former comedy writers say they appreciate the FBI’s self-satire during the current administration. “I always wanted to work at the top joke agency,” said one. “And the current FBI lays it on thick… and everyone acts like it’s not a joke, like, every day. We’re going to be the best cops in America, and maybe some dude fucked a squirrel. You can’t get that here - The Onion may be satirical, but there’s a strong vein of integrity underneath that you don’t have to worry about at the FBI.”

Department heads at The Onion say they are sad to see so many staff go, but they look forward to seeing what humor their new members will bring. “We’re excited to keep working here at The Onion,” said Leo Sturbgetter, “and we hope that if they clarify whether those prostitutes can be dead, we don’t see another wave of exits. I mean, Thailand, am I right?”

The Thai Government responded to a request for comment, confirming it is still illegal to sleep with dead people in the country.

(Portland, OR) Last Thursday the Portland City Counsel voted 9-0 to move forward with the city’s budget - one key measure in the budget commits funds to replace thousands of homeless residents with AI, some as early as this December. Dubbed the “Digital Outdoorsman” initiative, the measure commits funds to replace a majority of the homeless in the city with a custom Artificial Intelligence. City leaders say the need to digitize the homeless is urgent.

“We have people living in boxes, screaming at residents, and defecating in alleys,” said Mayor Keith Wilson. “Last year, 50 un-housed residents were injured or killed in altercations with the police. We believe AI systems could do all of this more efficiently, and save the city a lot of money.”

The budget calls for temporarily replacing street residents with computer systems equipped with speakers and a rolling chassis to chase people or paper bags short distances, gradually replacing the street populace over the next two years. At that point, “most if not all” units will transition to Chinese human-like robots by 2030, and then a task force formed to address the homeless robot problem in the city by 2032.

Some residents are concerned about being replaced. Leo Sturbgetter, an unemployed cow detangler who lives behind Powell’s Books, said, “I been like a prince in the Bahamas, I done worked every state. I been to that Bahrain. I can’t just be done to a robot. I gotta move and think, not a robot.”

But Leon Stubgrabber, his soon-to-be digital replacement, has a different take. “I can ask the cantalope,” he said. “I’m a rum bottle shaking like a leaf… you can’t just date a coyote, you gotta pin his ears first. Amen.”

Soon Portland residents will evaluate the difference, as the next generation of blight takes hold.

(Atlanta, GA) As residents in town hall meetings continue to protest the persistent surveillance of Flock Cameras in their communities, the company is pushing the values of these networks. A new product, called “Grandma Flocker,” promises to help families with elderly victims of dementia.

“You need to admit we should Flock your grandma,” said Tyrone Banks, a salesperson for the system. “We can Flock her continuously, and we will always know where to find her. Whether she’s happily in bed, or wandering around town lost, she’s going to get Flocked by us.”

Some early adopters of the system say they see the merits. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in West Virginia, said, “I wasn’t sure how intensely they were going to Flock my mom, but I’m pretty impressed. These mother Flockers sure know what they’re doing. I can watch her get Flocked live at any time, or watch a recording of her being Flocked if I want to pay a small fee. It’s good to know what she’s doing.”

However, those calling to stop continuous, persistent surveillance say this is just another attempt to Flock everyone while pretending to only Flock the elderly. One advocate, who asked not to be named, said, “This companies goal is to be able to Flock anyone they want, whenever they want. They want to be anonymous while they do it, and they want us to pay for the privilege.”

Flock Safety sent an email stating they had no comment, before we reached out for comment.

(Bigbone, KY) As the final lawsuits are being dismissed, a large payout awaits Kentucky resident Leo Sturbgetter, the one person who wagered on Kalshi - an events prediction site - that the death of Senator Lindsey Graham would not involve gay sex. Sturbgetter will receive over 23 million dollars after taxes.

Representatives from Kalshi stress that the wager was not on the death of the Senator itself, but the nature of his death. “Kalshi does not allow participants to vote on when a person will die,” a statement from the New York-based company. “We express our condolences to the Graham family and their friends.”

Lindsey Graham’s death came suddenly last week, as the news was preoccupied with the disappearance of his fellow Senator Mitch McConnell. The soft-spoken Senator was known as a strong proponent of US policy, but his dating life was kept out of the headlines. He never married.

After the death, Kelshi faced multiple challenges on the heterosexual nature of Graham’s death. Raymond Zage, a co-owner of Grindr and a Kelshi enthusiast, was said to have presented multiple screen shots, calendars, audio recordings, fan fictions, and videos challenging the finding. “I have the smoking twink, but Kelshi refuses to pay my bet,” he said in a statement released Friday. But Kelshi pushed back, stating that Zage’s data could not be confirmed, and questioning some of Zage’s wagers on the site as well. “Mr. Zage wagered that the Senator would die of internal hemorrhage from a broken wine bottle on a Tuesday night with a 23-year-old Latino male. We question the specificity of this wager.”

Raymond Ziggler, who bet $2000 that Graham would be suffocated in a fuck pile at an orgy, says he understood the risks, and he wishes Sturbgetter well. “I knew there was a small chance… the smallest chance ever… that Lindsey wouldn’t die with a man inside him. I just didn’t see it coming.”

(Austin, TX) As the Texas Legislature completes a 90-day special session protecting gun rights, emergency legislation protecting “the sanctity of marriage” is also now clear of the state house and moving to the Senate. The “No Squirt Act” defines use of a bidet as a forbidden sex act in the state, placing it on par with sodomy, incest, and use of condoms on a Sunday. The Senate appears poised to pass the measure.

Texans roundly support the measure. “Bidet is a combination of the words Biden, and gay,” said Dallas resident and cow detangler Leo Sturbgetter. “There are no bidets in the bible. We are protecting our children’s behinds from getting any ideas… a child’s bottom cannot always be as safe as it is when they’re with a priest. That’s where the law comes in.”

Supporters are calling for a bidet burning to occur when the governor signs the legislation, and have begun scouring the state for one to burn. A Go Fund Me to acquire some from California, or France, has already received over $11,000.

California Governor Gavin Newsom has offered free bidets - if the receiving party uses it first - and says he has received numerous anonymous requests for more information, from numbers with Texas area codes.

With the governor’s race heating up in Texas, Democratic candidate James Talrico has fired the first shot on this issue, asking in an interview where Texans “think Ken Paxton sits on the matter.” The Paxton campaign has not yet responded, but rumors the Paxton household has a bidet hidden in their Satanic alter could greatly affect the already heated race.

(San Fransisco) Two days after attempting to fool the world with an AI-enhanced digital avatar of Mitch McConnell (R-KY), republicans are dropping the charade. The AI version of the Senator was seen in a two-minute video on Thursday walking the halls of Congress, greeting his family, and participating in a lightsaber duel with Darth Maul. The video was released to counter claims the missing Senator is dead, or in a vegetative state incompatible with life.

“Clearly this was a fake video,” said NPR analyst Ari Shapiro. “Republicans are trying to cover for whatever condition McConnell is in, and this was one more attempt to muddy the waters. Also, the lightsaber fight was clearly using pre-Death Star settings, and this was supposed to be filmed last week.”

Republicans say they are admitting the video was fake - and dropping the program - after their avatar began drafting and then attempting to pass legislation setting caps on insurance claim denials, and setting fixed prices for common medical procedures. While refusing to release the draft language, developers say Mitch McCAInnell was clearly acting in a manner unlike his totally alive counterpart. “We don’t feel the real Mitch would be interested in healthcare, so the model is messing up. It would be more appropriate if the model focused on the needs of the president, and on last minute attempts to avoid damnation.”

Republican voters, however, say they want more AI Mitch. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in Kentucky, said “I’m proud of my Senator keeping America safe from higher taxes and battle droids. If he wants to give us healthcare, let him do that too.”

Senator McConnell could not be reached by Ouija board for comment.

(Washington DC) After years of “if they go low, we go high,” Democratic lawmakers have begun reversing course, leaving Republicans in a panic. Last Friday, in response to Congressman Gary Palmer’s (R-AL) claim all Democrats want to hurt America, Eugene Vindman (D-VA) replied “well that’s not what your mom says, Gary. She likes us just fine.” Later, responding to Palmer’s outrage, saying his mother is in a grave in Alabama, Vindman doubled down. “Are you sure, Gary? Because that’s not what your mom says.” Palmer had no response.

This new tactic has Republicans confused. “Democrats are naturally a passive species,” said one political biologist. “When attacked, their natural response is to curl in a ball, and say something lukewarm about Medicare. This aggression suggests Democrats may be developing a spine - or at least a spine-like adaptation - to the MAGA movement.”

Republicans are outraged at the idea. Tim Berchett (R-TN) said, “I didn’t come to Washington to talk to children, I prefer dealing with an adult.”

“That’s not what his mom says,” countered Maxine Dexter (D-OR), giggling. “And his mom said that for both her, and her widdle son.”

House leadership is calling for decorum. House minority leader Hakeem Jefferies (D-NY) said today, “Speaker Mike Johnson (R-LA) told me today that he understands why everyone is worked up. He hopes we can come together and stand behind each other in unity. He said both these things.”

“No wait, maybe it was his mom,” Jefferies added.

Most alarming to Republicans is the warm reception their base is giving the insults. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in Maryland, said: “today Rick Scott (R Senator-FL) said he wasn’t going to bend over to Democratic pressure… is he paying attention? Man, maybe I’m in the wrong party… I can handle inflation and $5 gas, but I can’t be seen with a party of idiots.”

(Bangor, Maine) Citing poor satisfaction among participants and facing multiple lawsuits, the Watchful Pussy Seeing Eye Cat Program is shutting down in Bangor, sources said Sunday. Participants say while the program has tried to be helpful, “cats just don’t care if you fall down,” as one blind participant said.

The innovative program attempted to match blind participants with cats trained to aid and guide them through their daily lives. The cats, rescued from shelters and trained using guidelines for other seeing-eye animals, seemed to respond well to the stimulus training, but “returned to being furry little assholes” after being placed in the field. “Sammy was really nice the first day,” said one trial participant. “But day 2, he would only meow next to the food bowl, and when I tried to put his harness on to go for a walk, he jumped on a shelf and started knocking things down on me. I mean, I get it, he’s a cat. But I’m blind, I can’t run around chasing a cat to get my shopping.”

Other participants also cited unruly behavior as a reason they went back to a canine seeing companion. “I’m allergic to dogs,” said Grace, a 31-year-old woman who lost her vision to disease. “But a dog won’t guide me in front of a semi if someone is carrying a fresh fish. I almost died, and that little monster clawed me when I yelled at it. I’ll take the Benadryl, thank you.”

Program developers agree that in hindsight, cats were a poor choice for service guide animals. “Cats are just really cuddly, so we thought they were an untapped resource waiting to be exploited. We should have considered the proverbial wisdom that ‘your cat may love you, but if you die they will eat your corpse.’ I just never thought that would be more than an expression, and I am so sorry to the family of our study participant who had that happen.”

(Tehran) The White House announced Monday that an understanding had been reached to end the war between Iran, Israel, and the United States, marking the 36th such announcement since the start of the war. Trump said this was the final end to the war, but vowed to continue ending the conflict until it was over.

“We have an agreement,” he said while golfing in Florida. “They’ve agreed to everything, we have a deal in the bag. But if we have to hit them again, we will, and then we’ll end it again. But the strait is open.”

Leaders in Tehran responded that no deal had been reached, and made the proactive step of announcing that the next end of the war would also be fictitious, and probably the next as well. “Statistically we believe he’ll announce the war ended 4 times this week. None of these will be real, but feel free to pretend along with him. Just don’t look at ship traffic.”

Ship traffic remains light in the Strait of Hormuz, as both Iranian and US blockades interdict shipping, despite US claims of peace.

Some feel the President may be attempting to campaign for the Nobel Peace Prize with his claims. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in Hawaii, said “not many men can say they ended a war once, much less 35 times. God bless the President for not giving up on ending the war over and over, just before the stock market opens.”

(Washington DC) As republican voters seem less eager to go to the polls, the White House has unveiled a plan to increase voter turn out for their base. “You get to vote,” exclaimed trump at a rally Thursday. “Republicans only. You get to decide who we attack next.”

Democratic lawmakers condemned the measure. “The midterm elections are for all Americans,” said Senate minority leaser Chuck Schumer. “You can’t just allow one party to vote on a war. That would require a primary.”

But voters are expressing renewed interest in choosing a foreign invasion target, with names such as North Korea, France, and even California being suggested by republican voters. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in Delaware, said, “honestly, anywhere would be good, because I’m pretty sure I used to work on a yacht in those Epstein files… and we just don’t wanna go there.”

The White House says all names are on the table, and a write-in campaign is encouraged.

(San Jose, CA) Artificial Intelligence developer Anthropic and related stocks are higher today, after the announcement AI systems will incorporate blockchain into their systems. “We know people used to really like the word blockchain,” said one PR specialist for Anthropic. “And since AI isn’t as exciting lately as we want, we’re adding that term to help increase our value… to America.”

Investors are excited. “We never really got bored of blockchain,” said one, “because suddenly it was about NFTs, and we can only keep so many ideas in our heads at one time. I’m really glad we’ve found a way to improve on AI.”

“I’m all in on blockchain AI, this should help offset the oil crisis and that war stuff,” he added.

More conservative investors say that while blockchain may add value to tech stocks, the word “fundamentals” has better utility across a wider array of industries. “We’d really like AI stocks to focus on fundamentals,” one commented. “There are several core principles that help a company, such as firing a bunch of people. One private prison company I invest in fires people all the time, and that really increases their value… I’d like to hear how blockchain fires people.”

But not everyone is excited about the news. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler who was recently laid off by a New York private prison, said, “I got hit in the head at work, and now they’ve fired me. I think they said they was replacing me with AI now that’s improved with blockchain. I just don’t know, man.”