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(Minneapolis, MN) As Minnesotans remain pissed, ICE officers now can’t - or they have to drive back to the station to do so. Local businesses have begun placing signs denying entry to ICE officers for any purpose not serving a warrant, hampering their efforts and drawing loud anger from the White House. At a 7-11 in downtown Minneapolis, local police have been called repeatedly to remove ICE officers trespassing on private property, as this new form of protest takes hold.

“This is illegal,” trump said in remarks while playing golf at his club in Mara Lago Saturday. “Police can do whatever they want, ICE even more so. They can shoot anyone and they’re resisting arrest. It’s like Gaza, but better.”

Not so, says Minnesota State Police. “These are public businesses refusing service to people believed to be dangerous. We will continue to support the rights of businesses in our communities.”

The trump administration was furious when a judge denied a warrant for any officer to go into every convenience store, applebees, or costco food court, “due to the high likelihood of crime.” The decision is being taken to the Supreme Court Monday, on an emergency appeal.

In the meantime, ICE officers can be seen running into malls to use public bathrooms before the cops arrive, and can be seen eating military MREs, as the federal government works to ship them food from conservative vendors.

The irony has been noted by homeless members of the community. Leo Sturbgetter, a Minnesota cow detangler who lives in his car, said “they keep coming up to us asking to buy them food and cigarettes, but hell, they should know even a homeless person doesn’t want to be seen with that kind of trash.”

The Supreme Court is expected to rule Monday.

(Copenhagen) A war of words is brewing online, between the US president and Bjork - the famed Icelandic musician and activist. Between golf games Saturday, donald trump announced that US maps would now show the country of Greenland as “Goldland,” given the immense value of the mostly unpopulated country. “We are moving in and it’s all gold… gold on the ground, gold in the sky… it’s beautiful how golden it is.” The US has gained attention for trying to rename The Gulf of Mexico last year.

This prompted Bjork to post on social media: “I am a dream that cries, from the highest ice that is gold but melts in a mama’s arms,” which appeared to incense the president. He quickly responded to her post: “low energy, low talent, and low octane from Venezuela. Win win win. Thank you for your attention on this matter.” The two have been engaged in a back and forth argument for several hours, as media outlets wonder why the president’s aides and staff don’t cut him off, as statements such as “NAVY SEALS ON THE WAY YOU DIE” are met with “Pork chop pork chop pork chop Coca-cola green beat dip fairy party, as the world watches in fascination.

“We assume the president has locked himself in a room with a great deal of ketamine,” said a White House journalist close to the matter. None of the staff are allowed in the building, not that they are allowed this close to [Vice President] JD Vance’s pillow fort normally.” A spokesperson for the Secret Service says that the president is not physically in danger, although crying. Bjork’s press agent said she could not comment on the artist’s side of the conversation.

Most alarming to Republican legislators is the outcry of support from their base, supporting Bjork’s arguments in the incomprehensible rambling from both sides. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in Missouri, said “yeah I’ve had a three porkchop and coca-cola day, maybe he should lay off the girl and attack the Democrats some more. That girl danced with a giant cat once. Leave her alone.”

(Washington DC) As anger stretches across parts of the US from the murder of Renee Good by ICE agent Jonathan Ross, comparisons to the failed rule of Benito Mussolini, the fascist dictator of Italy in World War 2, are beginning to surface around the internet. This is drawing anger from the White House, which insists Hitler is a much better comparison.

“The president is a strong leader with a strong military and fanatical supporters,” said press secretary Karoline Leavitt on Friday. “Much like Hitler, he is rounding up people who disagree with our policies, and starting conflicts to expand our territory.” Leavitt refused points from reporters that Mussolini did the same things, and insisted that Benito Mussolini sounded more like a pasta dish than a description of the president. “I would eat Mussolini all day if you offered.”

Trump also seemed angry at the comparison. At a golf game celebrating his 300th day golfing since reelection, he reacted strongly to questions from reporters. “Definitely Hitler,” he said. “Strong. Not the other guy. You just have to wait for our plan for trans people, you’ll get it. Ask the Jews, they know.” He refused to elaborate further.

Supporters say they’re alarmed by the comparisons to a weaker strongman. “It’s Hitler or nothing,” said one supporter, who asked not to be named due to his employment by ICE. “The comparison to Hitler is what got a lot of us onboard in the first place. I wish I knew who said it, I could just shoot someone right now.” That concern seems common to many republicans. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in central Kentucky, said, “I only back a winner. If he’s. Mussolini, we have the same backbone and ethics as the Italians did.”

(Caracas) As the aftermath of Saturday’s US attack on Venezuela is being assessed, alarming reports from the city show 3 hospitals, including a children’s hospital, were targeted and hit repeatedly during the fighting. The Air Force is blaming a new joint US-Israeli targeting system, Shepherd’s Arrow, for the damage.

“We tell the system to detect viable targets, and it paints the targets our bombs will strike,” explained an Air Force briefer. “We were told to trust the technology.”

Speaking off the record, US pilots note that they tried to retarget the laser several times, but on several attempts, once established, the lock could not be removed. “The most disheartening part is that when it hit the children’s hospital, it showed a pop-up window saying, ‘oh no, that was terrible, what happened.’ You don’t make a window for something like that unless you know it will happen.”

White House officials say they see nothing wrong with the results, and consider it possible the system was not put in narco-terrorist mode, but rather standard terrorist. “When in narco-terrorist the screen will have a burnt siena overlay, like you’re in Mexico in a cartel tv show. If you’re in standard terrorist mode, it can choose anything and call it a valid target.”

An IDF spokesperson says the system may have seen things to suspect a terrorist hideout at the building. “They have tunnels,” he said. “You never know what’s under a building until you collapse it.”

(Washington DC) The White House is acknowledging “a mix up,” as Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro, kidnapped by US military forces in an overnight attack on Venezuela, has been kidnapped again - this time on US soil - and flown immediately back home.

The overnight raid, which saw US military forces claim to exercise a US warrant on the President of a foreign country, seized Maduro and his wife last night. “We’re going to enforce the law, and get this guy out,” said the masked justice department member of the 2,000 man military strike force serving the warrant. The event was marked by excessive force and explosions throughout the city as the arrest was made.

Cue the confusion in the US, as ICE officials met the arriving plane and immediately exercised their duty to remove Maduro, a foreign national with no authority to be in the US. “We’re going to enforce the law, and get this guy out,” said a masked ICE agent as they loaded him on a waiting aircraft. The event was marked by excessive force and explosions throughout the city as the arrest was made.

Historians note that regimes with powerful leaders and conflicting military and paramilitary groups often see this confusion. “Whether it’s the Nazis in the 1940s or the Americans now, large autonomous power blocks will often have competing goals under a strongman leader,” said a historian in the US who asked not to be identified. “Ironically, Maduro likely complains about the same problems in his government as the one that caused his release.”

The White House press office is walking a fine line expressing anger at ICE, given the importance of immigration to their base. “We swore to keep dangerous criminals out of this country, and we uphold that promise,” said a young press staffer temporarily filling in for Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt. “ICE is doing God’s work, and so is the president in protecting American ideals and values. Now if you’ll excuse me, this is my sugar daddy calling, and he gets angry when he goes to voicemail.”

Some Americans feel that now that Maduro is home, we should focus on his wife, Cilia Flores. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in New Mexico, said, “he’s gone, but why is she still here? What if she gets loose in the country, and starts taking benefits away from regular Americans, or abusing our health care system? They should send her home, too.”

The White House would not comment in the status of First Lady Flores.

(Austin, Texas) Citing the rapid destruction of the country, Republican voters are announcing they will shorten their twenty-year commitment to voting against the interests of the country, and will now accept the heartfelt apology of Americans for the election of Barack Obama. “We know you feel sorry for what you done,” said a statement released on Facebook, a media platform used by Republicans. “Give us your apology now, and we will stop destroying America to hurt you back. Do it now, before everything gets broken in the midterms.”

Republican voters helped usher in a period where their party controls all three branches of government, and despite constant insistence that democrats are responsible for the high costs, failing infrastructure, and loss of national prestige, doubts have surfaced that the current administration is blameless. When asked why they were angry about Obama’s election, voters were vague about the reason.

Some Americans say placating Republicans would backfire. “They will keep doing this whenever they want if there are no consequences,” said one American who asked not to be identified due to fears of retaliation for not speaking positively about the trump administration. “This is an abusive relationship. If you believe they can change, you’re an idiot.”

But not everyone share that opinion. Chuck Schumer, Democratic Minority Leader in the Senate, said, “this is a change of heart by the Republican voter. We always knew they could change, and that if we tried hard enough, we could win their electorate with our love.”

Not all Republicans feel the destruction of the country is a good enough reason to stop voting wildly. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in northern Maine, said, “I don’t vote like I do because I’m racist. I vote this way because one day, I’ll be really rich… and I don’t want to pay taxes when all the roads are already built.”

(Washington DC) Citing construction delays and difficulty arriving at a final design, the White House has announced the planned East Wing ballroom will be scrapped, and the space used for a trump family burial space, underneath a four-story corporate office for the president’s real estate business. Trump discussed the changes during comments regarding his stalled peace talks between Ukraine and Russia. “It’s horrible,” he said in remarks, “ they have no design, nothing, I have curtain swatches everywhere. This will be much cleaner and much more useful.”

The ballroom construction has experienced multiple problems over its half year lifespan. Originally slated as a modification to the East Wing, the project has completely demolished the section, and multiple lawsuits currently seek to block the project. Issues raised include a lack of a finished plan, as well as the changing scope and cost of the project, reported to be funded entirely by donations. A full list of donors is not public.

The White House has released full blue prints for the proposed change, which democrats note have architectural stamps dating back to 2018. Trump says the first family members to be interred will be his father, Fred Trump, and ex-wife Ivana, who is currently buried at a trump New Jersey golf course. Although not asked about the matter, trump volunteered that several of those slain in recent extrajudicial killings in the Gulf of Mexico will be interred in Ivana’s place, to both maintain the course’s tax break as a cemetery, and serve as a warning to America’s enemies.

Constitutional scholars are surprising relaxed about the proposed change. “The Supreme Court has said the President is only subject to impeachment, so Congress is the only constituents that matter to him,” said one scholar who asked not to be named for fear of reprisals. “A lot of us talking about moving to Europe, and studying constitutions that still matter. I really like Estonia, it’s written in a neat font.”

Republican voters, however seem surprised at the news. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in eastern Tennessee, said “he buried his ex-wife at a golf course for a tax break? For real? I wish someone has told me that before I voted for him three times.”

(Washington DC) As the Powerball jackpot in Arkansas of $1.7 billion is still in the news, a new lottery from the trump administration is drawing alarming interest from business leaders. The White House is offering $25 million tickets for entry in a “Presidential Pardon Lottery,” with the winner being given absolute federal immunity for past crimes. The president says he got the idea from the Powerball jackpot. “People were saying 1.7 billion, 1.7 billion… I can make 1.7 billion easy, just watch. Just watch.”

Media outlets are alarmed by the “off the record” questions they’re receiving from the wealthy and business leaders alike. “They want to know if it’s real,” said one reporter who asked not to be identified. “Then they want to know if they have to be identified. I tell them to call the White House, but apparently trump set this up outside the regular channels, and the website crashed in 5 minutes from a midi player error.”

Trump says the winner will have a pardon from all federal crimes, as well as almost blanket immunity in Republican-led states as well, if they’re selected. “That last one is usually true,” said trump at a golf course Thursday. “But how are they going to charge you with a pardon? You’d have to do really bad things with a federal pardon and be charged, believe me.” Trump has been convicted of multiple state charges.

One business leader, who asked not to be named unless he wins, said “this is a lot of money, but when you consider the legal costs of winning normally, this isn’t a bad deal. 5 years of my life going to court plus millions in legal fees, that’s a no-brainer. And my cr… alleged crimes are business related. Tony here could really use it for personal issues. Right Tony?”

“I hunt,” said the unnamed associate with cold dead eyes, next to the business leader. He did not elaborate.

But not all of the wealthy feel the contest is best for America. Leo Sturbgetter, an American whose wealth comes from middle eastern animal operations, said, “I hear Ivanka [Trump] has a ticket… no way that leads to a fair and free lottery. If he wants my middle eastern money, he needs to earn it the same way he always does, by addressing my needs.”

(Washington DC) As ICE raids around the country terrorize citizens and non-citizens alike, House republicans have made a proposal for legislation which would make citizenship in the US a yearly subscription fee. President trump says he will sign the measure once passed.

“We already do it for gym memberships and our golf clubs, and people apparently rent houses… why shouldn’t we also pay yearly for rights like voting, and the greatest passport in the world,” said one republican who asked not to be identified for fear of a primary. Many republicans seem open to the idea, citing how little in taxes poor Americans pay each year. “We pay some of them money in entitlements, and yet they feel they have a right to decide if we’re elected. A yearly fee would help make sure that only the best Americans were voting.”

Democrats decry the measure. They cite birthright citizenship as the anchor issue of 2026, and vow that, once they lose the fight on this issue, subscription citizenship will be the next platform they work against.

Americans are mixed on the measure. While wealthier Americans quietly support the issue, those less fortunate worry how this will change the political landscape. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler and recently pardoned felon, said, “I just got back from the Middle East, and over there you definitely want to be one of the ones that can vote. I want to hear how much this yearly fee is, before I make my mind up about it.”

(Washington DC) In a move that would have caused outrage only a year ago, donald trump’s recently merged social media platform Truth Social, and combine nuclear fusion company TAE Technologies, has been awarded a contract to develop “clean social energy” for the United States. The award was granted hours after the merger was announced.

The White House says the grant will provide “a breath of fresh air for people sucking up the coal of twitter,” according to press secretary Karoline Leavitt. White House officials say the project had been proposed years ago, under the first trump administration, but no company “so forward-looking, or so awesome” had yet emerged to claim it. This contradicts Democratic claims that the grant was made up earlier today.

The award will include large bonuses to any shareholders that are leaders of nations, pleasing both trump and several middle east sovereigns. “What a lovely surprise,” trump said in remarks.

The newly merged social platform and fusion research firm says they plan to bring the best of both worlds to the company, and say they are only five years away from both fusion, and telling the truth.

(Washington DC) As the media speculates about tonight’s presidential address, the White House press office flatly denied rumors the announcement will be a sales pitch for Saudi Arabia’s massive housing project in the desert, known as “The Line.” The project, which some call “a folly of man’s hubris,” is a 170 km long city being built in the Saudi desert.

“The president does not need to sell anything,” said Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt. “The president is a man who creates opportunities for the people of the United States. While I’m not going to comment on the speech, if the president presented a presentation highlighting the wonders of a project like The Line, I know I and my husband would invest quickly before the opportunity vanished.”

Those close to the White House say comments like this only strengthen beliefs the speech will start out sounding official, but devolve into a sales pitch. “He can’t help himself,” said one insider who asked not to be identified due to fear of reprisal. “If they offered him 5% commission, he’d put a model home in place of the East Wing of the White House… wait a minute.”

The Saudi Embassy says any endorsement of their project by trump is encouraged: “he is one of our best presidents, very responsive to the needs of the people he serves. A man like that can always go far in our organization.”

Some say a sales promotion would be welcome, however. Leo Sturbgetter, an American cow detangler - living as a goat-organizer in exile in Riyadh - says, “I mean, would we rather go to war?”

In a few minutes, America will find out.

(Quantico, VA) As the FBI promises every man is on the case and an up to $50,000 reward is offered for the Brown University shooter, Agents are confessing they’re not sure which shooter case is theirs at this point.

“Look, first of all, this is America,” said one Agent who asked to be called Rex to avoid reprisals. “We have mass shootings every week. And every week [Director] Patel says every man is on that new case. And somehow, we all get assigned the case. It’s nuts.”

Patel was selected as FBI Director at the start of trump’s term, and was disparaged for having no law enforcement experience. Now-silent trump supporters touted the choice for his promise to release the Epstein files immediately. This promise is still to be met.

But Patel has zealously parroted the president’s orders, and trump is quick to call for full justice when mass shootings make the media. “We have every man on this case, I saw to it personally,” he said in remarks Tuesday. Rex says he has four other mass shooting he is investigating as well, and there is mass confusion in field offices. “One gun from a mass shooting got mailed to six offices looking for who requested fingerprints. At this point, the shooter would have to be standing in an intersection screaming ‘I did it!’ to be arrested if they’re not the new big case.”

But things might be worse than Rex suspects. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler and mass shooter in Wichita, Kansas says he has been in the intersection for four hours now confessing. “I shot 13 people at the Fairfield Inn yesterday! I want to confess! Birds aren’t real, they’re from the moon,” he yelled as he tried to flag down officers. Sturbgetter says he feels for Rex and the other agents, as he wants a shootout more than they do. “It used to be a man could do something bad and go out in a blaze of glory. I’m trying to confess and I’m getting emails asking if I thought about Congress. That’s bad, man.”

As of press time, neither Sturbgetter or the Brown shooter had been arrested.