fakenews

"It's just not like him, someone who doesn't drink, to suddenly break bad and pick up the bottle" senior advisor Dan Bongos said to Axios.

A drunk Mr. Trump was spotted on the south lawn of the White House in his underwear.

"Folks, folks, Israel and Iran, we can't stand them, they STINK!" "I hate them, I want them gone, GONE." Trump muttered to reporters in-between bouts of vomiting and tripping over vodka bottles.

Axois has just learned that Trump is checking into a rehab in upstate New York for a sixth month program. JD Vance has assured the public he will assume the role of president and end the conflict.

"And I never had sex with a couch, okay, it's a lie." He added.