this post was submitted on 16 Mar 2025
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No Stupid Questions

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40
why are abusive people nice sometimes, especially in public? (lemmy.blahaj.zone)
submitted 19 hours ago* (last edited 19 hours ago) by drbollocks@lemmy.blahaj.zone to c/nostupidquestions@lemmy.world
11 comments fedilink hide all child comments
 

there’s some days where she’ll want to talk to me, follow my accounts, say things to me, and then call me an annoying b*tch.

she’s nice in public, i’m assuming so others don’t think she’s mean, but what i mainly don’t understand is why she talks to me since she hates me so much and did nothing but harm me.

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[–] andros_rex@lemmy.world 3 points 1 hour ago* (last edited 1 hour ago)

If abusers were mean 24/7, they wouldn’t have access to victims.

Domestic violence research shows a “honeymoon” cycle. Abuse escalates to a breaking point, then the abusers relents, becomes especially kind and showy (especially in public.)

It’s the “trauma bond” (not the false pop-psych understanding “we experienced something traumatic together and that brought us closer”) but that abusers manipulate that intensity of emotion to create a sort of “addiction.”

You get used to the highs and the lows. Being hit and then the next day at a nice restaurant. The sexual abuse and the trips to Disneyland. It’s supposed to fuck with your head. It’s supposed to make it harder to leave.

[–] ArseAssassin@sopuli.xyz 1 points 1 hour ago

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder

Learning about it was a life changer.

[–] Frenchys_prospecting@aussie.zone 6 points 8 hours ago (1 children)

They view you as a punching bag but want others to think they're perfect.

[–] drbollocks@lemmy.blahaj.zone 1 points 4 hours ago

i also have mental disorders and they look down on ppl with mental disorders

[–] adespoton@lemmy.ca 21 points 16 hours ago* (last edited 15 hours ago)

Abusive people are generally selfish and manipulative. As such, they know that abuse has to be 1:1, with the appearance of normalcy to everyone else. Being rude in public would cede their abusive power over any individual.

EXCEPT

When abusive people gain a critical mass of followers in public, the behaviour reserved for 1:1 interactions goes public, and they start behaving in public like they always do in private.

A good example of this is Donald Trump.

[–] GrayBackgroundMusic@lemm.ee 24 points 18 hours ago

That sounds like one of my parents. They are a narcissist.

They're doing it to save face and appear nice. They know they rules of society and push them as far as they can to gain advantage. If they know that being mean to you gets the same results as being nice, they will be mean.

[–] breadsmasher@lemmy.world 34 points 19 hours ago

its a lie. its how they cover.

Look up gaslighting

[–] Nemo@slrpnk.net 21 points 18 hours ago

Because they don't want to pay the social costs of being seen as rude.

[–] peteyestee@feddit.org 20 points 19 hours ago* (last edited 19 hours ago)

Because they are extremely insecure so they put the act on to fit in. Definitely cut these type of people out of your life completely. They need people to like them, but when they know they can get that from a person their true colors come out.

[–] Rhynoplaz@lemmy.world 14 points 19 hours ago

If everything looks good in public, there's no reason to ask questions about what happens behind closed doors.

[–] cheese_greater@lemmy.world 11 points 19 hours ago* (last edited 19 hours ago)

Don't engage with people like that. This is one area you must be selfish and refuse to deal with others who bring you down, regardless of their reason. You can't burn yourself up to keep others warm and expect to thrive and feel decently.

Just let them know you cant talk to people who make you feel like crap and unpredictably and block them so they can't impose further. Try not to worry about why or empathizing because you need to focus on keeping your ship afloat and house in order and do that requires you to respect yourself by not harming yourself and exposing yourself to toxic others. Thats a good way to become distrustful and self-sabatoging if you allow people like that into your sanctum of influence. Your life and network are a temple, don't let vandals and thieves and vampires in. Keep your enemies/toxicity far away, try to learn from them at a distance in an objective way but do not rely on them to necessarily improve or feel better.

I've made a practice of this for myself (doesnt matter if its family or friends or otherwise) and I've definitely been on the receiving end and today I understand why and everyone is honestly better off for it. Your time is not charity and you are not a punching bag, try to act thusly