don't have any friends. haven't had IRL people to hang out with for about 17 years when I was still in high-school.

tired of being completely passed up on dating sites because I am boring and can't make an "intersting" dating site profile because no life/hobbies. idc if it's real relationship to a fling or FWB or whatever, I'd take anything, but I've never had anything at all and I'm 33 fuckin years old

there is nowhere to even go if I had the money or ability to get there. I don't have a car and it takes me 30 minutes to walk to the nearest anything -- and those anythings are just a handful of grocery stores and fastfood places, and I hate to say it, but I'm not going to make friends by trying to strike up conversations in the line to pay for groceries all day.

wasting the prime years of my life trapped in this shitty suburb-without-a-city, trapped in small basement suite where I have to live with an abusive grandparent, and unable to even get a girlfriend or do anything with my fucking life besides wonder when I will be forced to get a job at fucking McDonald's again

don't see much reason to not kill myself, even though I don't feel bad enough to actually do that (yet). but I don't see any other future happening for me. the only thing I have to potentially look forward to is the small chance that I will be able to get on disability for mental-illness like next year maybe (if at all).

I hate my job and I'm really lonely.

On the bright side I've been trying to be more...I dunno, present in my town? E.g. i went to a cafe and made brief small talk with the barista. Did the same with the person at the bookstore. I'm trying to hide myself less. Tired of spending all my non-work time in my room or walking by myself. I want to have spots I go to regularly. We'll see if it pays off

Did well today. Got groceries. Got my pills. And a comrade was nice enough to gift me a grubhub gift card. And I hung out with Mr. Softie.

(cw) Not well. Probably going to fail the class I was taking. Sucks. I barely even tried. I hate being an adult. I do well, except when I have to actually function and be "productive". Fuck me. Oh, and the sh urges are back. Fuck I'm pathetic. I feel like I'm drowning.

For something positive, one of my snakes has started eating again so I'll be able to keep it. The long hunger strike really scared me, I thought I was going to have to get rid of her too.

i got fired on some bullshit and i got a headache probably from caffeine withdrawal and i don't really know what i'm doin with my stupid life. grouchy.

I got rejected in a really awful way at the start of the week. It left me feeling this unhinged excess energy all week (early on I felt like I wanted to jump out of my skin). I managed to put all that weird energy towards productive things. But some of those productive things included ramping up my workout routine, so now I have even more energy??

I keep looking back at what I've done this week and thinking "That was only two days ago?" / "I did that?" / "Wow I handled that incredibly well."

So... feel mildly bad, way too much energy, making good decisions and being responsible. IDK. It's a weird vibe.

Hii corgi!!

This is my first time posting in one of these threads but I always read them and the love, solidarity, and support never fails to be refreshing.

I really don't see a future where things will be okay for me. It's okay though, I'm just along for the ride at this point. Maybe some capitalist will give me money for my projects at some point lol. Right now, still working, slowly, on my programming language. I am trying to create a kind of "dialectical logical" programming language where development of the state of the program is driven by relations and contradictions between objects in the program. I'll make a post about it sometime when it's in a presentable state.

I hope you have a great tour! Getting really sleepy, gonna log off soon

Yay for tour! Boo for living with ex's! Yay for interviews! Boo for lack of energy to hang with people! I hope the tour is soooo good

I would totally do the dating app thing but just for friends then flake on literally every person I talked to...it sucked and I felt horrible every time but it's so hard to person for me nowadays.

I still have covid and am even more contagious now than I was four days ago even though I'm much less sick feeling. I'm very pissed about this because I'm missing this band tonight and it's like the first time I've wanted to go to a show in a while. That said I'm looking for movie recommendations while I'm caged up.

My housemate went on a camping trip and it's so nice to not have to be stuck in my room laying in bed (literally) for 5 days straight. I can't wait til he moves out, I cannot stand living with the majority of people now and he is no exception.

That said all this inside time from being extremely depressed and now sick is making me very excited to finally go outside and ride my bike and get back into going to shows...we will see if that happens lol

Not well in a way that reflects the greater crisis of masculine friendship and the demise of third places.

The usual: stress, depression, anxiety, getting better at working with/understanding my AuDHD. Lots and lots of crying and sleepless nights lately. Those are probably more intertwined than I realized before now. Always seems to be. I dipped out of work after two hours today because I just didn't have it in me to face customers all day. Agonized over and procrastinated on some simple 3D Design class assignments before knocking them out in a few hours no problem. The anxiety over getting started on things and perfectionism hold me back, but being held accountable to a curriculum has done a lot to help me get past them. At a certain point I just have to make a dracula bed and a chair out of triangles and desk that I straight copied from one I used to use and call it a night.

Trying to cut myself more slack, remind myself that people read my composure as confidence, that my coworkers find me interesting because of some of the weird things I've done for school or work, that people are impressed by the fact that I'm writing anything at all and speak a tiny bit of Spanish, etc. People do seem to like me more often than not these days. Hell, even my acting class seems to like me, and I'm basically playing Metaverse Jeffrey Epstein being interrogated by the internet police for my scene with my assigned partner. (Play is The Nether by Jennifer Haley, pretty uncomfortable but the teacher encouraged me to do it because she thought it'd be interesting and I have a good villainous voice/presence being a big guy with a booming voice. I'm being interrogated and insisting I have rights, and no you can't have my server, and it's all adults doing RP and I'm doing everyone a favor with my creepy VR Chat server for libertarians because what if I was out on the street like a Discord admin)

Also reinstalled the dating apps but am treating them like slot machines at this point. Maybe a non-flakey person will pop out. But probably not.

Working for one month now at the wastewater reclamation plant after 10 years in email jobs. Needed a change. Dirty nasty hard work but learning skills. Yeah, I went to college lol. Also not a profit driven model and it's public good. Gotta work for the family so pushing thru. They should pay these folks more for real. Talk about essential, if this place shut down an entire County would be knee-deep in poop. Thanks for checking in

Moving preparation isn't easy, even under favorable conditions. There's a reason so many psychological stress charts put moving up there with terminal illness and death in the immediate family for the amount of stress it causes.

I'm going through the kind of difficult time where I don't even want to - honestly, can't physically bear to - discuss it with anyone because it just makes it all feel more real and overwhelming, and maybe I can once again just grit my teeth and crawl through it without telling anybody how much it hurts.

But, despite all that, seeing the kindness and compassion in these comments was soothing, so - thank you for this. I really appreciate this thread and reading all the sweetness between you all. You are all wonderful. ❤️

I've been coming to terms with the fact that my mental health won't improve until capitalism is gone. I am also trying really hard to not fall into doomerism again but it's really hard. There are elections in my country this month and I'm really scared because the right will probably gain a lot. All in all it's not looking too good but I'll stick around just in case. And to yell at cops at protests.

I wish you all the luck with your interviews and hope that you will get away from your ex.

I've been feeling great lately, but I can't quite figure out why. Not all that much in my life has changed between now and a few months ago, or even last year. As much as it would be cool to attribute this change to Hexbear, it feels like its become more noticeable in the past month (I joined 11 days ago).

At this point I'm just taking it easy as the clock ticks toward the inevitable collapse and whatever comes next, probably lots more fascism.

Been a bit rough, found out my partner has had grade 3 hypertension for a while now (hovering between 180 and 170), they've gotten meds and are down to grade 2 at least. Not cholesterol or diabetes though.

Should get back to therapy. And I need to get the wrist that has been hurting for a month checked out, probably won't heal by itself.

I guess I'm neutral leaning toward bad?

"My" brother's tumor is growing and while it's a lot slower than anyone expected, they never say he won't die. I know they don't want to give false hope but sometimes i wish they'd just say it instead of saying "I'm just a human" and "I believe in miracles" like its good they aren't giving up on him but telling me god himself needs to cure him doesn't make me feel better

"My" step brother and his wife have been treating "my" brothers cancer as a chance to prove their conspiracy theories correct and have further convinced my adoptive parents that if he just eats all organic, vegan food he'll be fine. Nevermind that that's all he's been eating for 8 months... and despite all my allergies that none of them have, im gonna end up being the one who does all the cooking and possibly all the grocery shopping and paying. The dickheads who bought the "anti cancer cookbook" can't be bothered to make the food for him themselves

Got into an argument with my partner last night over some stuff that I've had resentment over for a few years now but previous conversations went nowhere. I think they understand why I feel the way I feel now but I'm still hurt at what they did and that it took so long for them to see if from my perspective.

On the bright side, finished Stone Butch Blues and loved it. Still having motivation to knit, read, and do my stretches everyday although i can feel it waning. I'm reading Orientalism now and when I need a break from non fiction I'm gonna be reading all spooky/horror/thrillers for fiction this month.

Kind of a mixed bag here: dating apps are going great, been on a lot of cool dates. But like trying to do basically anything else and I just disassociate or panic. Nothing feels real anymore.

I spent all day daydreaming and reading in the park. Bought pre-rolls. Now I'm eating delicious toast with 16 kinds of different grains and seeds and it's covered with hemp seed oil and salt and full of soma from the waning moon.