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(lemmy.world)
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this post was submitted on 07 Jun 2024
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To all of the people saying this is sad, not all relationships have to last forever.
It's okay to get separated, even if you are married. It's actually good to realize your differences, decide that you work better apart, and provide support to an ex-spouse emotionally while you move on with your life as well.
I'm not sure that I fully agree. I mean, to each their own etc., but what you're describing seems to be more suited for relationships without marriage. The whole idea of being married is that your discuss this stuff before your wedding and then don't just get separated because you "don't feel it anymore". The idea is that, if you feel like you drifted apart, that your work on that and don't just get out of that relationship on a whim. That's the promise you give. And even if you agree with your partner to just go separate ways (yeah yeah, consenting adults can do whatever the fuck they want, sure), a divorce has the significant chance to screw you financially for decades. I mean, I don't know how it is in the US, but I've seen too many people who got their finances completely fucked by partners that they consentingly parted ways with, who they swore would treat them fairly. Too many houses repossessed, too many careers ruined.
Is it okay to get separated? Sure. It's obviously also okay to remain close and support each other, of course. But this comic promotes a lighthearted approach to something that deserves a much more careful and serious take that I don't agree with. Those first few panels should have made them get counselling, not divorced.
People change. They discover things about themselves. Their goals change. Of course anyone thinking of getting married should try to uncover any potential deal breakers before committing, but it's still no guarantee they won't encounter unsolvable problems later.
I know and that's also not what I said.
That's the key word right here. Two panels of "you know, I'm feeling boyish" "and I kinda want to have kids" isn't "trying to solve it and realizing it's not possible", that's just "starting to share feelings and needs". The way this story is told just suggests that this slight notion of plans no longer being aligned perfectly warrants a divorce, which is far from what that legal construct of "we're a financial union now which means we can royally fuck up each other's lives if we feel like it" should entail. This isn't a story of unsolvable problems, this is the story of two people that don't take the legal responsibility they got into seriously. It suggests a lighthearted approach to getting divorced that is so far from the possible legal fallout of it that I just think it's absurd.
If this was a comic that told years of them trying to meet each other's needs and not being able to, I'd be on the same page. But that's not the story that was told here. There wasn't a single panel where either person even just tried to suggest how things might still work for them or find some common ground. No panel about acknowledging the other person's desires and trying to merge them with one's own needs. The comic was "I feel this", "I feel that", "great, let's just happily divorce", which is absurd as soon as we're talking about anything that's beyond teenage finances.
They're talking about wanting children. Disagreeing on that is absolutely an unsolvable problem.
It certainly is if you don't talk about it. There may be various middle grounds here but you won't find them if you just get divorced.
Buddy, let me explain something to you. I do not want children. Ever. If I were married to someone who decided they wanted children, I would for sure get a divorce, because there is no compromise to be made. Having a child is all or nothing. You can't halfway become a parent.
Of course, anyone I might marry would understand why a divorce is necessary and wouldn't fight me on it.
That's why the very first panel says "several months ago", not "several seconds ago"
And that's why the third panel says "present day"?
Oh wait, it doesn't.
I mean, if you're dumb enough to not understand that divorce takes time, that's kind of on you
No reason to start hurling personal attacks.
I do not subscribe to the "there are no stupid questions" theory.
Well, it's a comic, not a documentary. Yeah in real life this would take a lot of discussion and a long time, but this is a comic about how you can find out that your desires no longer align and still be friends.
Also, the comic itself says it took months.
y tho?
You're making statements predicated on your beliefs that may not be shared by everyone.
This is not about my belief. You know a marriage is more than just a pinky promise? If you don't want to take a relationship seriously, that's fine, but marriage as a legal construct entails a lot of regulations that may screw up either partner and, with enough legal battles, both of them, so yeah, you kind of have to take it seriously and it doesn't make much sense to just enter and exit it on a whim, unless you want to be paying for other people's houses or cars.
This part is separate from the legal framework.
Is your argument "you shouldn't dissolve a marriage because the legal frameworks we built don't support that well"?
If so, is that how things should be?
Regardless, there are steps you can take to minimize legal challenges in divorce.
You are making the assumption that the divorce won't be amicable. The situation in the original text here is extremely amicable.
If the legal framework was adjusted to remove the risks of "paying for other people's cars", would you still advocate for taking it seriously? Why?
Ok, I mean if you're getting financially screwed by your partner in a divorce, it's probably a good thing that you're getting divorced.
Lol why? what moral ground are you coming from to suggest that other people should be serious about what you think is serious? Nothing is serious, we're all just meat bags. If you want to get counseling go for it. For most people it's better just to divorce quicker and not prolong your dissatisfaction because of some weird social or pseudo-religious adherence to norms.
Nice nihilism you got there. If "nothing matters and we'll all die eventually" is your counterpoint to "marriage is a legal construct that goes beyond well meant promises and might result in severe financial issues so don't lightheartedly get married or divorced", then fine, yeah, in the grand scheme of things I guess you're right.
Those that want to keep the small existence they built and don't want to lose their house in the current economy might disagree though. The universe doesn't care about their demise, true, but they themselves might just do.
Im not a nihilist. I didn't say nothing matters. There's no -objective- meaning. I create my own. What matters to me is education, sex, music and freedom. I want to create a society where people don't need to stay in bad marriages to survive.
Cool. Try the "there's no objective meaning, I create my own" strategy in court when they tell you that the meaning of the law is that you have to pay up after a divorce and tell me how that went for you.
I'm divorced, it was amicable and there was no property to divide. Not everyone is living in your sad little world. For example, the people in the comic. Which I thought we were talking about.
A random person on the internet would like you to not die. Take a breath.
Depends. Marriage being for ever is social baggage. Marriage existing is social baggage. Society unfortunately doesn't make it easy to get divorced because it doesn't tolerate any alternative types of unions. Why can't I marry my two boyfriends if we all live together?
What? You and your two boyfriends can live together all you want, but marriage is a legal construct that shares responsibility and burden between people and because of the responsibility part it's by design hard to get out of. Don't like how hard it is to get divorced? Easy: Don't get married.
I didn't criticise that this comic promotes getting in and out of relationships. I criticised that it suggests that a divorce has virtually no ramifications and boils down to two respecting adults separating on best terms, which is pretty fucking far from both, my personal experience and what's written in the law.
Thank you and that's why I won't get married ever because it's very unlikely that my understandings and morals aligne with anyone else. We live in a time of tiktok and people don't seam to feel obligations for anything anymore. Then they shouldn't get married, but you can't trust the other one anymore to be mentally grown up enough to understand this.
Marriage is just for a fancy dinner and tiktok short clips to share online, right? /s
Maybe your limited experience and the law is not respecting people who just happen to fall a bit outside the norm? The OP comic and my personal experience being just 2 examples of how the law is incompatible with our lives. You're making a hell of a lot of assumptions about our lives to decide that we're not serious about marriage. Heck, western countries were still figuring out gay marriage some yes ago.
The main reason why we can't have different modes of marriage is bureaucracy.
But that's not what this is about?
Should marriage be rethought and adapted to new realities? Yes. Good that we're on the same page there.
The whole point of marriage though is for it to last forever
The whole point of marriage used to be ownership, not anymore. Things change. Divorce is better than the alternatives. Cold bitter resentment that lasts until one of you dies and then just the feelings of what might have been. Or murder.
It's ok to change your mind. To grow apart. To recognize that and to act on it is a blessing.
Then don't marry someone you'd resent
People grow and learn and change over time. Unless you have the power to predict the future you can't "just not marry someone you'll later resent"