I had a mental breakdown a while ago because I was in denial of my gender identity. I...can't remember much of it, but it wasn't great, according to my loved ones. I'm ashamed of it and I wish I could do anything that I felt would properly apologize to them but I'm sure it traumatized many of them, as I've done in the past. Before I blacked out, I can remember that mandalas would appear on surfaces my mind wanted me to focus on, twisting and seething with an entrancing psychedelic energy that forced me to focus on that task. I've never experienced terror more complete than losing control of both my body and mind, and I've almost been trampled in a human stampede, blocking people from trampling others and picking up fallen children off the ground. Life is better now that I have estrogen in my system, but I imagine it would be intolerable otherwise. I hope I can forgive myself one day. I have therapy soon, so that will help a lot.