deleted cuz it seemed crass to center this on men's perspectives. After thinking about it a bit more, I think men's bad behavior is mostly not explained by selfish defection from a common gender interest, and you can't use a solidarity type argument with them unless you really are on the same side and they're just confused and haven't worked through their upbringing. These men want sexist relationships where men have all the power and women have to settle. Hurting women, etc., makes it more difficult for men and women to have good relationships where they engage as equals, but further compels women to "settle" with a guy who's like, pushy but not violent. From their perspective they're carrying out traditional gender roles and making it easier for other men to do the same thing; the men who don't want this are not fellow men but traitors.

Calling women slurs or otherwise acting pissy when rejected is to protect their self-image: I'm a real man, so if she rejects me she must not be a good woman. Date/acquaintance/etc rape and general interpersonal creepiness is a symptom of their learned disregard of women as people / entitlement to women as objects; they are in the habit of pushing boundaries and often admit that they sometimes take a "no" to mean "yes".

I don't think that selfishness is important to understand mass shootings; rather those are justified as noble last stands (the ideal man is transcendent through his works) on behalf of "traditional" values against a corrupt system. So the random men that incels kill are thought to be chads or normies, part of the system, and the white people that neonazis kill are aiding the enemy by going to a black church or whatev.