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On your second point, that's what the science actually says. "Observer" or "observation" is used in a scientific sense and was probably a poor word choice. Science journalism gets carried away with anything that has the word "quantum" in it and it drives us mad.
You're absolutely right that the mechanism that's causing the wave function to collapse is the presence of whatever piece of equipment the particle is hitting. Whether that collapse happens at the two slits or the back wall changes the pattern, and that change is what shows wave-particle duality.
Also: physics doesn't claim to know that the Big Bang only happened once. That's just as far back as we can rewind with our current models. This is again something that science journalism takes a lot of liberty with.
Aren't you just moving the point of the wave collapse from the experiment to inside the brain? I mean if the wave function never collapsed, shouldn't we see all superpositions at once? But instead, the brain seems to collapse to one possibility, i.e. still collapsing the wave function.