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any tips before I have The Talk with my aging parents? (linux.community)

submitted 5 days ago by vestmoria@linux.community to c/asklemmy@lemmy.ml

16 comments fedilink hide all child comments

nothing dangerous, just regular aging stuff I'm not gonna get into.

My parents own 3 fully furnished houses in 2 different cities in the south. The oldest, biggest one should be sold because it is simply too big and too much work for them and I live and work 800 miles away.

There are other issues I want to discuss with them, mainly involving healthcare access, credit, several insurances, what to do when my father cannot drive anymore, hygiene, if they want to age in place AND only in place, but where exactly, DNR and intubation status, will and burial...

They are cognizant but I feel they really don't want to talk about it and like many elder parents they wished these questions simply disappeared.

I've seen so much shit with eldercare and even having a plan doesn't mean shit won't happen, it means you'll know how to react and who to call.

I was thinking about inviting my parents to a meal at a quiet restaurant, pay the waiter handsomely and have an extensive conversation there. I don't want to have such a conversation at home because I don't want them to resent the room where I question their ability to live as independently as before.

I don't know if this makes me an asshole.

There is also a chance they storm out or start yelling at me and give me the silent treatment afterwards.

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[–] Tehhund@lemmy.world 2 points 4 days ago

Can you have this conversation slowly over time? Ask a few questions about their plans, maybe make a suggestion, mention other old parts who have handled planning in a mature way, and don't make a deal out of it if they don't want to take your ideas. I've found that sometimes you can plant an idea and people will warm up to those ideas and even decide it was their idea. Which is annoying, but gets the job done.

But yeah if you go into this expecting them to change a lifetime of emotional programming, you're gonna have a bad time.