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any tips before I have The Talk with my aging parents? (linux.community)

submitted 4 days ago by vestmoria@linux.community to c/asklemmy@lemmy.ml

16 comments fedilink hide all child comments

nothing dangerous, just regular aging stuff I'm not gonna get into.

My parents own 3 fully furnished houses in 2 different cities in the south. The oldest, biggest one should be sold because it is simply too big and too much work for them and I live and work 800 miles away.

There are other issues I want to discuss with them, mainly involving healthcare access, credit, several insurances, what to do when my father cannot drive anymore, hygiene, if they want to age in place AND only in place, but where exactly, DNR and intubation status, will and burial...

They are cognizant but I feel they really don't want to talk about it and like many elder parents they wished these questions simply disappeared.

I've seen so much shit with eldercare and even having a plan doesn't mean shit won't happen, it means you'll know how to react and who to call.

I was thinking about inviting my parents to a meal at a quiet restaurant, pay the waiter handsomely and have an extensive conversation there. I don't want to have such a conversation at home because I don't want them to resent the room where I question their ability to live as independently as before.

I don't know if this makes me an asshole.

There is also a chance they storm out or start yelling at me and give me the silent treatment afterwards.

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[–] andrewrgross@slrpnk.net 16 points 4 days ago (1 children)

I've just started having these conversations with my mom, because her mom just passed away at 99.

My mom isn't as temperamental as you're describing, but she doesn't like talking about death. However cleaning out her mom's old condo has forced her to think about it, and that's the lens of the conversations.

It's not going to be one conversation, btw. I think that's the key thing to understand: you're not trying to figure out how to talk to them about end of life planning one time, you're trying to figure out how to talk to them about full-life planning maturely from now on.

I would focus on specific issues rather then a broad concept; relate it to things that others are going through as a reference point; discuss it through the lens of ensuring a long, dignified life instead of about the end part; and try to offer appealing solutions rather than problems that they need to solve.

For instance, 'I was just talking to a friend who was visiting their dad, and he had a bad slip moving trash to the curb and is now thinking of moving into an retirement village. I've always imagined you guys living here forever, and I wanted to check if that's what you guys want to do too, and if there are any renovations you'd be interested in to make it more comfortable.'

[–] chagall@lemmy.world 3 points 4 days ago

It’s not going to be one conversation, btw. I think that’s the key thing to understand: you’re not trying to figure out how to talk to them about end of life planning one time, you’re trying to figure out how to talk to them about full-life planning maturely from now on.

This is so important. Don't take them out and have a State of the Union dinner. That's gotta be the absolute worst way to achieve your objectives. You want many bite sized, topic-bound conversations over a sustained period of time.