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I'm kind of interested in how you acknowledge you might be having a psychotic episode yet are deeply interested in determining facts.
Is this the sort of thing you go back and forth on, into and out of, often? Can you tell me about that process of being attracted to a theory, believing it, then falling out of that belief?
You know how you read a book, or engage in some piece of media, and you have that feeling of "Wow... It'd be so cool if that was real." It's like that. While being aware it is fiction, you keep a small sliver of hope for the possibility it is not. Like some people hoped they'd get a letter from Hogwarts.