Hi, guys. It's Larry/Jay. Ever since I was around 8, I wanted to do what the boys did and hang out with them. Sadly, I even went through a "girls stink" phase and my role models were my dad and male heroes. I liked it when I saw clothes that were for boys and I got super happy when my hair was cut short because I'd look like a boy. However, I was sheltered from LGBTQ stuff, so I just thought I was a tomboy.
The gender dysphoria never truly went away. When I was 11, I had another "role model", a male character. I wanted to wear a hoodie to hide my long hair and chest and "embody" his male spirit. I even wanted to be called a "he" sometimes. I stopped telling anyone and felt bad about it though when my at the time friend laughed at me.
13, I started experimenting with FtM identity because I never felt fully female like at all, and I always wanted to be like male characters I saw and identified more with them and saw myself AS them. Detransitioned or "desisted" when my girlfriend started bullying guys and especially trans guys.
On-and-off, I've been trans and from what I remember, usually being called "she" or a "girl", triggered me to start acting fem again.
But even with my family, even identifying as a girl, I feel like a boy and I felt dysphoria by being called "she".
I don't even know if I'm truly genderfluid or just FtM due to this since it seems from what I remember, I go back to being a girl due to force or feeling unaccepted.
The important question I found myself asking as a trans woman who thought she was genderfluid: Have you ever had any agab role models that you actually wanted to be like? Realizing that looking at men I felt the feeling of "I'm not whatever you are" helped me a lot, noticing that all of my role models were girls.
Also, when you imagine yourself growing older, would you want to grow old as a woman or a man? Because the idea of growing old as a man was distressing to me. Growing old as a woman, though, sounded great.
The difficulty for me was that I knew my sense of gender shifted, I just couldn't figure out the details. Like, there are times where my sense of gender identity is more or less strong, so the "most accurate" term for my identity is genderflux demigirl. I fluctuate but it's between feeling "more woman" and "less woman", though I'm always a woman.
hmm, i know i'll probably grow old as a woman with my luck, but i think i'd much prefer it to be happy and be a man that never get to transition and repress my feelings.
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were things that I really needed to read in my mood tonight. Thanks! 💗
I hadn't really noticed how much I've rooted for Cinderella and Snow-white when I was a little boy. And while I did indeed like watching Batman, I never really related with Batman. It's always just been some stimulating action that's been fun to watch, but Batman has not been something I would ever felt any interest in becoming like. Watching Pocahontas I could relate to the character, watching Batman or Superman I was more of an outside observer, in a way. Interesting!
omg!!! thats so funny!!! i enjoyed the disney princess stuff but saw them more as friends, maybe mother figures. i wanted to be like batman!!!