AskTransgender

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A place to ask transgender people questions and get answers about the trans experience.

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[CW: Mentions Suicide] How to get over regret about bottom surgery without killing myself? (programming.dev)

submitted 2 days ago* (last edited 1 day ago) by MarthaPuppyGirl@programming.dev to c/asktransgender@lemmy.blahaj.zone

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I had bottom surgery almost a year ago and I regret it so much. I didn't say anything up to now I kept getting told that feelings of doubt and uncertainty will get better as it heals, well it's healed for over a month and it hasn't gone away. It's gotten worse! I feel like I'm broken, like part of me is missing. I wish I didn't fucking do this shit. I miss my dick and balls so much.

Don't tell me that I don't regret it and that regret is rare. This isn't the first time I spoke up. I said this shit on Reddit and the dipshits who run r/trans banned me telling me that regret is rare and that I probably don't regret it, and that the chance of me being not trans is tiny. I explained to those dumb fucks that I 100% am trans, am a woman and that I miss my dick and balls and they got me suspended for 3 days and muted me.

I absolutely regret it and I absolutely am a woman. Some days (currently now) I think about killing myself because I know I'll never be whole again. I just want to get in my car and drive off a gate bridge, and that would be it.

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[–] dandelion@lemmy.blahaj.zone 1 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago)

it's OK, so let me just clarify: You had surgery 1 year (12 months) ago, and after 11 months of healing, you finally were fully healed and there's no pain or soreness - and still felt regret? Even if feelings of regret might be common while healing, it's not like that's a reason to dismiss them, necessarily.

I can't really tell what the process was like for you to get your surgery, maybe you could talk more about how you came to decide to get the surgery?

I think the reason regret rates tend to be so uncommon for trans people is that the gatekeeping is still so extreme - it takes a long time, lots of money, hours of painful procedures for hair removal, and multiple psychiatric evaluations to be approved for this surgery. Because that bar is so much higher than for other surgeries, far fewer people end up regretting it on the other end (even when the surgery is botched or results in functional problems with urination, for example).

Regardless, I would say that if you are feeling suicidal, you should be connecting with professional therapists and working on this with them; ideally gender-informed therapists who have lots of experience working with trans patients and particularly patients navigating surgeries.

Online communities like this are not equipped to help suicidal people, let alone help you through such extreme distress - it's "above our paygrade" in a sense. That said, I'm still happy to listen and talk to you if that might help.

To answer your original question, all I can think is that the experience of having the "wrong genitals" down there is fairly typical of what gender dysphoria is like - and since you are trans and presumably have experience with dysphoria (that's usually why people get bottom surgery to begin with), this is no different. In my experience, this involves lots of escapism, not looking at mirrors, not looking at the offending "bits", etc.

Vaginoplasties are dramatically irreversible, so realistically the therapeutic goal is to come to terms with having a vagina now. This might be work that a therapist could help you with, potentially.

It might also be helpful to seek therapists who specialize in grief and PTSD, since it wouldn't be surprising for those to be related to your current distress.